Reminiscences

The detailed narration of my parents informing me about the recent visit they made to my birth place and the news they brought about my childhood friends made me feel nostalgic. I was very glad to learn that my parents walked through the lanes of that road where I had spent most of the evening hours after school. It was a small lane that consisted of 10 houses. I was always seen with my friends on that lane and never inside the house. It was all play and play for me and studies were considered so insignificant. I remember the names of all the friends with whom I played. I enquired about each one of them to my parents and they had accumulated data for me and supplied me with information about most of them. I was so happy to hear about them. I wonder if those friends of mine will ever remember me like how I remember them!

I vividly remember every single thing about the house I was born and lived in for almost 12 years. The number of that house was 1-D. It was a wonderful big villa. We were proud to have the biggest house in that lane. We had a huge portico that could easily accommodate 2 cars but unfortunately, we had none. I used to play all kinds of games in that huge porch. From cricket to badminton, my friends and I had played n number of games there.

There were 3 small steps to lead us to the house. Even those steps were not spared. We had played “In the pond, on the bank” game with the help of those little steps. The steps led to a small sitting area. That room is also filled with memories of several card games that I had played with my friends. Most of my friends have entered only up to that room. That room had few bamboo chairs and an ancient sofa to accommodate visitors. It had a table fan (we still have that table fan in my house) that produces more sound than breeze. If I think of that room, the smell of tortoise mosquito coil lingers in my mind since we had always burnt the mosquito coil in that room due to the intense attack of mosquitoes. Thanks to the Lord for not having introduced the disease called ‘Chickungunya’ at that time, else we would all have died due to that.

To the immediate right of that room, there was a bed room that my Mom and Dad used. It was a nice airy and spacious room that had an inbuilt cupboard and a bed. It also had a table and a chair for me and my sister to study and I also remember a physics master coming and taking tuition for my sister in that room.

The house had a big hall in which we had a sofa and a TV. As I visualize that room, I see my late Grand Mother, my late aunt, and my cousin Radhika watching TV. It was a period when we had no other channels other than Doordarshan. My Grand Mother never missed a single programme in the TV. Poor lady! She had no other means to spend her time! There was another bedroom by the side of the hall where my sister and I used to sleep.

We also had a dining room (believe me, we still have that dining table with us) that had a wash basin too. We had a kitchen and a puja room on either sides of the dining hall. I remember that kitchen very well. I began learning to cook in that kitchen. I also remember having visited the puja room – not quite often but certainly on occasions and during my exams and most importantly on those days when my results were to be announced. The dining room led to a passage where there was a bathroom and a toilet. There was a time when nearly 10 people stayed in that house and shared the same bathroom and toilet!! Absolutely unimaginable!

On the backyard, we had ancient grinding stones used to grind batter for our traditional breakfast - idli and dosa. We had a well that had sufficient water compared to our neighbours’. We also had a stone – somewhat higher in size that was used for washing clothes. On those days when our servant maid doesn’t turn up, my cousin used to hum songs as she washed the clothes. She was a good singer and she loved singing.

The servant maid we had was a beautiful lady in her early 20s. She used to try different hair styles with my hair to suit the modern day trend. She loved to talk about film stars and movies and she used to dress up pretty well. She can undoubtedly be fit to replace any of the contemporary actresses since she had excellent features and the desire to get dressed well. I cannot forget her at all!

That house of ours was a compounded house with trees on all the three sides. We had lots of flower bearing trees, fruit bearing trees and many small plants too. I had climbed the mango tree in our backyard and have jumped down from heights. The compound wall that separated ours from the next house was a narrow one and I still remember how quickly I used to show my acrobatics and run on that narrow wall! Gosh! I am scared to even think about it now!

My friends and I used to have chat sessions sometimes on the compound wall, sometimes on the road, sometimes on the terrace (we had an open terrace before we constructed a house) and sometimes near the gate. I used to enjoy those moonlit evenings that we spent with our friends during power cuts.

We had rented the first floor of our villa to a couple. They were such a lovable pair who used to join us in having fun. The man – ‘Anna’ as I used to call him was such a lively character who would crack jokes without laughing and we all would have a hearty laugh at all his jokes. I spoke to him a day back i.e., after nearly 13 years!! He sounded just the same and I was very happy to talk to him.

Wow! What a wonderful trouble free period were those! Everything I think about that place is associated with some people known to me. Friends create memories. Our hearts keep them alive. Mind rewinds them and give us a pleasurable experience worthy of a lifetime treasure!

I would say that I had always been fortunate in having a wide circle of quality friends around me. Friends had always been helpful and loving to me and I am highly thankful to the Almighty for having provided me with such a blessed life surrounded with nice people. This piece of writing is the result of a quick rewinding. I can write a chapter about each one of my friends and the place where I spent most of my childhood. I wish to do that before I lay to death.

Locked in!

Busy was I at that part of the night
when even fireflies had gone to rest,
as I tried to locate the traces of his foot

I sat down indiscreetly – I don’t know where
I have no clue as to how long I should wait
Maybe even indefinitely.

I am sure he has gone and will never return
Will he ever recall his silence-
his silence of word and action?

Shamelessly I proclaimed my love for him
Neither did I know how to discern
between shame and pride in true love.

I covered my pale face with my palm and cried
My world seemed bleak behind those closed eyes
I have lost him! I have lost him!

My tryst with him has ended
It has come to a nasty finish
How could he let me go through this pain?

The entire episode was like a hallucination
A brief period of boundless joy followed by
a never ending path of failure and distress

I envisaged myriad images of his eyes.
He is physically not present with me but
is he dwelling in my stellar world?

Dear, do not come back to me
out of mercy or pity. Come to me
if you love me, else prolong your endless silence.

But he will continue to remain within me
until I shed my last drop of blood.
Trust this to be a painless punishment for him.

Kill me not with silence

He is still silent! I went
through the narrow lanes of his heart
towards the dense forest of pain
to know the reason for his silence.

Love is nefarious
Having consumed the venom of love
I deserve to be disillusioned
Kill me O love! Kill me!

Withdraw your silence my dear!
My senses have lost all their power
Revive them with your golden words but
kill me if I don’t earn to be heard from you.

Before I lay in the pyre
I hope to hear from your lips
Your silence is sharper than the sword
So kill me with words rather than with silence!

Seconds by seconds
Minute by minute
My life is becoming lesser
Forget it not my dear! Speak before I die!!

Love - A pleasurable pain

As she locked her car and walked towards the coffee shop, she saw him. She was shocked for a moment. It has been a year since she met him. She thought he had left the country. She couldn’t believe her eyes. For a moment she thought if she had a mistaken identity but how can her eyes forget the glances that they two exchanged! It was him. Certainly him!

After seconds of hesitation she asked him, “How are you?”
He said, “I am fine.” He then asked, “How are you?”
She did not answer to that question. Instead she asked, “When did you come here?”
He said, “A month back.”
He asked, “How is your husband?”
She preferred not to answer to that as well. She looked at her watch and said, “I am sorry. I have come here to meet a prospect. I am already late. Shall we meet sometime later?”
“Give me your number”, he demanded.
She was hesitant. She said, “I am very sorry. If you can wait here, I will come back and give it to you. I am very late.”

She fled from the scene. She did not wait for him to answer. She knew how to evade from his eyes even if he stood waiting there for her. She did not have any meeting with a prospect there. She had left her sun glasses and a set of keys a few hours back in the coffee shop. She called and confirmed that they were there before she came to collect them. She met the guy in charge of the coffee shop, showed her identity and narrated about the phone call she had with one of the guys to confirm that her stuff were there and finally got them in her hand. She silently peeped from the window to check if he was still waiting there. She could not find him. Something told her that he would still be waiting. She moved her eyes a little far away towards the parking lot. She glanced at every single man possible but none of them matched his identities. She thought it the right time to leave the shop and vanish. She put on her sun glasses and walked out of the coffee shop. To her dismay, he was standing right in front of the door of the coffee shop. He smiled at her. She smiled back sheepishly. He asked, “Met your prospect?”
She paused and then said, “He was in a meeting. My appointment was rescheduled.”
He asked in wonderment, “So soon?”
She did not utter a word. She always knew that he understood her very well. Either her facial expressions and gestures were so very obvious or he was a very good guesser.
He continued, “So you are trying to forget me is it?”
She bent her head down and said, “Do you think I can?”
“Yes you can. You have extra ordinary will power. If I remain out of your sight, you will forget me. I know that. You can overcome any tribulation.”
“Stop it. I am not here to listen to this stuff. I got to go.”
“Then go”, he said politely.
But she did not make a move. She began to cry. She did not want to cry but it was beyond her control.
He said, “Come. Get into my car now.”
She asked wiping her tears from her eyes, “Where?”
“We need to talk.”
“I thought it is all over.”
“Let us talk about what happened during the past one year in each other’s life.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“Fine! But I have lots to tell. Come let’s go.”

She followed him to his car. He has something in him that she listens to him. She did not know what it was. That was his strength.

He started his car and began driving through those busy roads as though he had always been there.

He said, “I missed you.”

She looked at him for a moment with such disbelief and anger and then removed her eyes away from him.

“I saw hatred in your eyes when I said that”, he said

She did not answer.

He said, “When I got an offer again, I instantly accepted it since I thought it would be an opportunity to meet you and soon after landing here I tried calling your number. It didn’t work. You have changed your number is it?”
She said, “hmmm”

He took her to a place which was not unfamiliar to the two. He drove through the grass lands and went towards the direction of the cottage. When she noticed where he was going, she stopped him, “Where are you taking me?”
“To the same old place.”
“No. I am not coming. I want to go now”, she screamed.
He immediately hit the brakes and asked her, “What is wrong with you?”
“Nothing is wrong with me. I do not want to come with you. Drop me near my car and let me go.”
“I just want to talk with you.”
“What if I don’t want to listen to it?”
“I know you want to listen to it.”
“I am not the same old person whom you cheated a year ago. I have changed. I am trying to get over those painful episodes. Please leave me.”
“Have I ever forced you to do something?”
“No. But please leave me back. I don’t want to talk to you any more.”

He paused for a couple of minutes. He then drove back when he knew that her mind cannot be changed. He dropped her at the same place from where he picked her up. She was crying throughout. When they reached the place, she got down rapidly without uttering a word and ran to her car, got into it and disappeared.

She drove home. Her son was playing in the garden. He was happy to see her back from work so early. He ran to her and hugged her. She too hugged him close. She was crying and she wanted a bolster. Her son asked, “Mom, are you crying?”
“No dear. Just that something fell into my eyes. You play. Let Mom take some rest. Is that ok?”
“Ok. But will you take me to the park now?”
“Not now. But certainly today.”
“Thanks Mom!” said the boy and ran to play again.

She ran to her room, switched her mobile off and cried to her heart’s content. She thought of those lovely days that she spent with him. She thought about the happy thoughts the two shared. She thought about all the secret moments that she enjoyed with him. She then thought about the day when the two sneaked towards that cottage and enjoyed being each other’s slave. Yes, for a day she was unfaithful to her husband.

She also thought about those distressing moments when he began avoiding her little by little by telling how bad it is to continue the relationship and how dangerous it could be. She knew she was wrong. But the love that she had for this man was spontaneous and so over powering that her husband was thrown to the back seat. The pleasure that she derived for some days turned into venom as he began avoiding her. He did not have the same love that she had towards him. The heat of passion subsided. She recovered from her mistakes. She cried for almost 6 months. She then came to know that he left the country. She thought that it was a boon in one way since she will not be prompted to call him and speak to him and thus incur pain. She had no means to reach him. He too did not drop down his address to her and that by itself meant that he was not interested in her any more. It pained her a lot. A lot! She went through a hell! Now that he had come again! She did not want to be tormented. She was now very strong. She knew she cannot be lured again. She gained confidence. He was a fascinating lover. She still held sweet thoughts about him but did not want to face the humiliation that she went through sometime back. She felt that avoiding him would be better than falling into his trap once again. Within moments she changed off her clothes and got ready to take her son out to the park. She still loved him though.

Pleasure is followed by pain and pain is followed by pleasure. For some pain is pleasure and for some pleasure could be painful. Sometimes they go hand in hand. All said and done, love is eternal. There can be no obstacle to stop love from being developed. Love cannot be contained. It oozes out automatically. Love may always be associated with pain but the pleasure that it once gave or the hope that it will give some pleasure some day or the other is the key strength of love. A lover may cheat but the love remains true. A lover may go back saying that it is all over but it once was there and the truth that it was pleasurable ever remains to be true. Love, even if expressed just once will never be forgotten. It is pleasure and pain. It could be a lovely feeling!

A Holiday

I borrowed a magazine from a public library this evening that happened to be a holiday special edition. What does a holiday mean to most of the people around the world? When it comes to a holiday for two, expectations increase based on the climate of the proposed place of visit. It is usually weeks of non-stop passionate love making, hand-in-hand strolls among moonlit beaches, sun-bathing, long drives, spa, massages, relaxation, shopping, candle-light dinners, dances and intense, up-all night conversations.

When I read this, I was reminded of the holidays that I had spent in my life so far and how different were they from the ones mentioned above. I grew up as a normal Indian in South India and lived there for nearly 23 years. If I think of the holidays that I had spent prior to my wedding, it was all fun (in a different way though)! Since my parents were working, we had very few days in a year to be spent on a vacation. My Mother always availed her Leave Travel Concession that she was eligible for and had taken us to Bombay several times. Ever since my childhood we have been visiting that place. The reason for choosing Bombay was mainly because my Mother’s 2 sisters and 1 brother stayed there. If we had planned any other location, we would be able to see only a family or two. This worked far more lucrative for us. Vacation for any average Indian means visiting relatives, holy or religious places and a bit of sight seeing. My parents were hardly together even on a vacation. My Father used to be called for work even during vacation and most of the times he had traveled back alone leaving behind my Mom, my sister and me. My Mother relaxes by gossiping about family matters with her siblings and derives pleasure out of it. This is a welcome change to my Mother’s monotonous and stressful work routine. My sister and I had enjoyed our moments with our cousins. We had cousins there more or less in the same age group and that way we had some fun. Towards the end of our vacation, we do a bit of shopping, a visit to few of the famous temples there, a night or two dinners outside and of course a visit to a zoo or museum or any place of some significance to keep us entertained.

On those times when we skipped Bombay, we had visited my Mother’s native place in rural interior Tamil Nadu and had also visited temples in and around those areas quite often. Tamil Nadu in particular is a land of Temples and most of the temples have a unique history of its own and also the architecture is fabulous. Some temples are made out of one single rock and are yet massive. Some temples are known for its beautiful piece of drawings on the roof depicting the culture of those times. Some are constructed with such planning that the beauty of the structure is well revealed. The history behind the construction of every temple and the significance of the deities present in those temples are exceptional. Visitors from all over the world pay a visit to Indian temples. We, being in close proximity to those temples, have made innumerable visits to them. I was born in a family that believes in such visits to temples bring in inner peace and purity and hence we have visited lots of temples. I was very young then. Though I was proud of the vast and rich heritage of Indian temples and the unique history those temples recorded, I still would have personally preferred to go to any location that would interest me.

Sometimes, to attend such special poojas or events at the temple, we need to wake up at 3.30 or 4 in the morning, have bath, and dress up in traditional dresses and rush to stand in the queue to collect tokens or whatever. We skip our breakfast and stand in the scorching heat of mid May in queues to wait for our turn to visit the deity and offer our prayers. By the time, we are back after all these; it would be nearly 8 or 9 in the morning. We then hunt for restaurants that offer good food and then feed our stomach. Honestly, though I believe in the conventional form of worshipping, I cannot afford to starve in the morning after a bath. I never had the guts to talk about my hunger when the rest of them hardly talk about their stomach. Looking back at it now, I feel that our journey had never been pleasant and enjoyable. It had always been tedious since the time span would be short and the distance to be covered would be enormous. The general Indian attitude is to make full use of the money spent for vacation by visiting all the places of significant importance there. Not much consideration is given to personal relaxation or happiness.

In my normal school days, I get up at 7 and during vacation, it is much earlier! Our vacation was planned only by my parents and they wanted it to be the way that suited their time and hence we had to follow suit. We were not asked where we should go for a vacation. We were not asked how we intend to spend it. We simply accompanied them. Vacation was lot more stressful to me and my sister and I preferred to be at home rather than a tight scheduled vacation that was hardly interesting! That way, I lost all my interest in traveling since I had the least idea of what kind of pleasure a travel can give, when it is suited to our requirements. Will I have a holiday different from the ones I had so far? Can a holiday be interesting too? I think that the right company, the right season and the right place could be lot more relaxing than we can ever imagine. I am looking forward to spending my time shortly on a brief vacation which I was not initially interested in but now I feel that I can decide how to spend it the way I really want to since I now have every liberty to choose what I want to do in a vacation. Though I am going to be accompanied by my husband, I do not think he would restrict the way I want to enjoy. He hardly sees me enjoy a holiday so he would only be happy to see me enjoy. For the first time, the thought of a holiday is bringing in pleasure to me.

It could be because it is going to be a holiday from my routine work, a holiday from children and a holiday from house keeping. I love reading. I will read my favourite book in a much desired location for n number of hours without any disturbance. I wish to write my heart’s content in a place filled with scenic beauty. I will feast my eyes with things that I cannot normally treat it with! I will do anything that I like. I will do anything that I haven’t tried before! I will do anything that I haven’t done for long! Will I? Will let you know soon!!!

Awaiting my next life....

Here I am smiling
As I depart from this wretched body
That is completely burnt
By the blazing flames

He blindfolded my eyes
And slit my tongue
Tied up my hands and legs
And threw me into the fire

I couldn’t see the flames
Neither could I scream for help
Nor could I free myself from this.
I simply had to go through the pain

Since I respected his decisions and
Honoured his words,
I enjoyed the burns

After all, he sent me into it!

I am not sure if he loved me
But here I have proved that I love him
I am happily waiting for my next life
Only to meet him!

Waiting to fall in love with him once again
Waiting to embrace him
Waiting to kiss him
Waiting to surrender to him.

All that was impossible in my last life
Will be fulfilled in my new life
Provided he doesn’t send me to fire again!
Awaiting my next life……

Love is sometimes....

Too close yet very far
Too desirous yet dangerous

Too sweet yet venomous
Too tempting yet repellant

Too blind yet alert
Too sensitive yet indifferent

Too meaningful yet baseless
Too clear yet vague

Too obvious yet pensive
Too pleasurable yet uncomfortable

Too strange yet absolute!!!