Am I a Psycho?

The advices given by a psychiatrist definitely involve one thing – “Express your feelings normally. Do not try to conceal it.” According to psychiatrists, these words are not only applicable to psycho patients but also to normal people who do not suffer from any mental problems. But is it possible?

Take the case of a businessman. He has to smilingly answer to the queries of his customers how much ever silly a question he may raise. The customer might be irritating beyond measure. But still the businessman has to control his anger and related emotions to win this customer’s business. Is the businessman bound to become a psycho?

Let us assume that a man is so excited over the birth of his newborn son. Let us also assume that one of his close friend’s Father died and he is attending the ceremony the same day. Will he be able to express his happiness there? Is he bound to be a psycho too?

None of us can freely express our feelings. Neither can we easily control them. There are lots of difficulties involved in both. Our surroundings play a major role in it. They are capable of creating or curtailing our life’s precious moments.

Now, let us see what are the consequences of expressing our feelings like anger, frustration and so on. They maybe

Losing job
Losing name and reputation
Fine or imprisonment
Flow of undesirable words
End of a relationship
Creating a bad impression on others
Mentally affecting others and so on

Now if you see the consequences of controlling such feelings, then the result may not be as disastrous as the above. It may sometimes save a fortune for us. But after all those efforts of saving something for our life, are our thoughts going to haunt us back again and again reminding us of the anger that we had controlled and torture us to death? Is that what the psychiatrists are talking about? Yes. That is exactly what they are talking about. They say that any feeling that is suppressed will be re-born. It takes a supreme power when it comes back to life again and haunts us. But it is more likely to affect weak minds. If we are strong enough to forget something without carrying an iota of guilt or fear, then we are likely to escape such dreadful mental diseases.

Psychiatrists believe that a great percentage of population who are ‘normal’ according to common masses maybe suffering from an internal psychological problem of which they may not be aware themselves. It is difficult to trace such problems. We tend to neglect certain unacceptable behaviour of people but psychiatrists claim that they can be a traumatic experience for them if they fail to identify their problem early. Mental diseases can easily capture a man with a weak mind and whose surroundings also aid to the adversity of his mind and spirit.

I have never been able to express my feelings openly and easily. I have expressed happiness freely but never my frustrations. I had to conceal them. I had to conceal my anger too.

My question is that how will I know if I possess a strong mind? (I will not know if I possess a strong mind unless and until I face a serious situation and learn to forget)

And secondly – Am I a psycho? :)

On her Cherubic Face

One fine morning, I saw a little girl walking along with her parents. The face of a child often glows as bright as broad day light. But this child seemed to have lost all her charm. I could see her parents scolding her for something that she might have done. Her eyes struggled hard to conceal the tears of despair, the reason for which was unknown to me.

She then tried to hold her Father’s hands as they were walking but he refused to hold her. She then moved towards her Mother to see if she would hold it. But she refused too! Her feet were trembling with fear of losing them in the crowd. She could hardly match their speed but still she vigilantly followed them without any choice.

As she was walking in haste, she glanced at a bunch of peacock feathers held by a man who was trying hard to sell them to children. Her eyes began to smile upon looking at the peacock feather. For a moment she forgot about the tears that the eyes contained sometime back. She slowed down and began gazing at those feathers again. Some children were holding the feathers in their hand happily and it was so tempting for the little girl to resist. She turned around to look for her parents to get them for her. But she lost sight of them. They had walked too far. She had to run to reach them. She caught her Father’s hands again and requested him to get those feathers for her. But he angrily shouted at her reminding her of the anger they both still had over her. How innocent of her to have forgotten everything on the very look of some peacock feathers! Wasn’t her heart as soft as the feathers of the peacock?

The parents of the little girl sat in a food court where she too sat innocently obeying their orders. The Mom played the lead role in ordering some food. The girl raised her voice to her Mother asking for a particular dish which was denied by her parents for reasons known only to them. Perhaps they reminded her again of the anger they still had over her. The food arrived quickly and the little girl was asked to eat in the speed matching her parents’. Her immature hands and untrained fingers were ruthlessly coerced and put to massive work much beyond her ability. But does she have a choice?

Sometimes children outgrow parents and parents become children – immature and silly. They fight with their own kids lowering them to their level. Probably they are not aware when they should lower themselves to think like them. What crime is a young child capable of doing? How long will they harbour ill-feelings towards their own kids? The angelic face of the young girl seemed to carry heavy burden for her age. She also appeared to be responsible to handle the temper tantrums thrown by grown-ups. My findinds are thus - Kids are accommodative enough to accept such heartless and naïve parents that they become grown-ups much faster than what they appear.

Attraction

Seated am I in the embers of love
with unuttered words
and a heart that is desperate
to surrender itself to where it belongs.

Dying every moment to be born again
to clear the tarnished thoughts
that keeps recollecting the flickers of
those pleasurable moments.

I am just a mortal stuffed with feelings
for the anonymous lover
who made me realize instantly
that I possess a body that isn’t mine.

In the quest of knowing more about him,
I lost all the knowledge that I acquired.
The honesty as it seems through his eyes
is the only guide I have about him.

He rocks in my berserk mind
as a champion; as a passionate lover; as a shaman.
My wide eyes rarely blink as he
snatched my sleep and replaced it with dreams.

Who is he?
Why this aberration in my mind?
An untamed force confiscated all in me leaving behind
just a state of delight encompassing grief.

A stranger is he to me and not to my heart.
His absence means nothing to me but pains my heart.
A frontier is he between me and my heart
thus making me lose my original identity.

Astonishing is this theory of magnetism
unspoken of by renowned scientists
that a heart is capable of getting magnetically
attracted to its counter part located miles away!

Goodbye, my friend!

I am mourning today. I am mourning the death of my friend. I was informed about the news through a mail. I read the mail several times to make sure if I have read it right since I was unwilling to see her name there. But it was true. She died. She shed her body behind and escaped to the unknown world where I will never be able to locate her. She escaped to eternity leaving behind only memories for her loved ones to cherish.

I first met her, if I remember right in April 2006 in Coimbatore. She was our new neighbour there. My stay in India that year prolonged up to 6 months. That was when due to boredom, I met her more often and soon our relationship bloomed. We soon became very good friends. She was two years elder to me but yet unmarried. Neighbours quoted different reasons about her state of being unmarried since she had, by Indian standards, crossed the marriageable age. I was not curious to know the reason. I sincerely felt that she would disclose the reason to me if it was necessary for me to know. But neither did she confess nor did I probe into that issue. That was probably the strength of our relationship. We shared a unique bond without expecting anything from each other.

We have roamed around the city on a few occasions. We have shopped together. We even purchased 2 pairs of the same ear ring as a mark of our friendship. We have sat down in the club house during late hours just to relax and have a nice chat. We have strolled together plucking leaves of strange trees and discussing about the uniqueness of every leaf for hours together. We have merrily played in the swing together forgetting that we are grown up adults. We have watched movies together. We have even dined together. But not even on one occasion did she tell me about the dreadful disease that she carried for 6 ½ years. I came to know about it only today that she was suffering from Pulmonary Hypertension for the past few years. I was shocked to hear it today since I had absolutely no idea about it till date. But if only she had told about that to me, I would have very cautiously ridden her through the roads of Coimbatore in my bike. People suffering from such disease as PH are likely to experience shortness of breath. God! With a crazy driver like me, how many times she would have felt uncomfortable! Poor lady! But she must have had her own reasons not to disclose about that to me. True! If she had revealed the truth, my behaviour towards her would have been more sympathetic than loving. Such people do not require sympathy. They need only genuine care and attention. And that was exactly what she got from me.

I spoke to her family members this morning. What a bad start of a new year for them! They must have been going through hell now. I was also shattered after talking to them. What pain she must have gone through! What would have been running through her mind when she breathed her last?

Now looking at the entire episode in a different dimension, I think I should only be happy for her since she has been permanently relieved from this disease. It can no longer cause her pain. She need not suffer anymore. She can sleep peacefully and blissfully.

My dear friend, you are blessed. Know that I love you which I did not tell when you were alive. Be aware that I cared for you always. And above all, I prayed for you – for your evolution into higher planes of life. You were a nice person and I miss you. The gates of life’s destiny are open for me too and I am sure that we would meet some time. Farewell to you my friend!

Pink skirts and Teddy bears

Women are actually an assortment of excitement, innovation, peace and bliss. They can be compared to a teddy bear – soft, cute and cushiony. They are a bundle of joy when treated with respect and a package of sorrow if they are disregarded. But one must understand that it is her inherent nature to love unconditionally.

Who wouldn’t love to gawk at those pretty dames dressed in trendy attires shaded in pinks, yellows, reds and mauves? How appealing do they look with those lovely ribbons and laces and with smile on their faces? Who wouldn’t care to ogle at those slender arms, shapely legs, attractive features and floating hair? Men would love to ogle at those cute looks and dresses. But do they ever try to understand what is behind those silky gowns? Will the opposite sex realize the feelings a woman goes through? No. According to them, women are dolls. They are pleasurable objects. They are meant to dance to the tunes composed by man. The music sometimes is short, sometimes long and sometimes never played and sometimes never ending.

A sizeable percentage of the world’s male population expects a woman to follow a set protocol. Based on how harder she struggles to attain it, that big a place in his heart is awarded to her for a stipulated period. Then the woman is rolled down from his heart as it happens in snakes and ladders by the roll of a dice. Such is the life of a woman. She has no idea when she would climb to the top with the help of a ladder and when she would be gulped by the scary snake. Unpredictable temperaments of men rules over women. Will the world accept if a woman rules over a man? Never.

I do agree that women have obtained lot more freedom than what it was years back. I am enjoying the freedom that my Mother would not have and my daughters are bound to enjoy a little more than what I did. But a woman is always a woman – a slave to man. She should seldom attempt to think on her own. She is expected to slaughter her desires and emotions. Isn’t she a living doll that is stuffed with unexpressed desires and emotions? All that she requires is a cuddle assuring a portion of love. But men are egoistic to that extent that they wouldn’t give such an assurance.

Man – woman relationship starts with a fascination. Being charmed by those sparkling eyes and childish attitude, man encourages her fly high with all the non-existing fantasies that she holds. When all her illusions fade away with the suddenly skeptical attitude of man, she has no other choice other than to fall down with a bang followed by melancholy for the rest of her life. I have seen men getting mesmerized with the external appearance of a woman that they prepare themselves to surrender at their lady’s feet. But the feeling does not stay for long. After some time, it simply dies away. The fascination does exist but no longer with the same person. Well, it happens with women too but they are prevented from shifting their loyalty to some others when men can easily jump from one tree to another without any hassle. That is the attitude of a typical Indian man.

Why this bias? Why this partiality? Who said that man is superior to a woman? Why does the world treat her so? A woman becomes a princess of a man’s heart when she obeys to her majesty’s commands and slips down to the floor when she doesn’t or raises a word against. Every woman in that angle is a prostitute since she pleases her partner to get what she wants. She is not supposed to think on her own or take her own decisions. She is always encapsulated. Only her physique appeals to a man and not her inner feelings and emotions.

Being born as a girl was not her fault. Looking pretty isn’t her fault either. Emotions and desires are inborn. Falling into the trap of love is not uncommon. But being used and thrown is her destiny.

Freedom for the 'not so supreme' living beings

I visited the zoo in Al Ain a week back along with my family. My daughters enjoyed gazing at the different things each animal was doing. Some were lazing around; some were jumping with joy; some were miserably looking at the visitors; some were busily eating and some were pathetically sitting and dreaming. For a moment I thought what would be running through those animals’ minds? They say that animals are incapable of thinking but why is it that I felt that they were mourning? Why did I turn sad on seeing an orangutan which I felt was at the verge of tears? Was there something really wrong with that poor creature? Or was it just my imagination?

‘Zoo is a prison for animals.’ This is my view. I feel that their movements are restricted within the walls of their allotted space. Fortunately or unfortunately, man is the supreme creation of God and as a result animals and birds have no other choice other than to obey the master. It could also be true that if they were let free, they would harm people. But still I feel that they should be let free. When terrorists (who are supposedly human beings with intellect) can roam around freely in this world, these poor creatures definitely have the right to their freedom.

Animals in the zoo may be well fed and very well taken care of. The environment may also look jungle-like but how can they give them the freedom that they deserve? How will a man feel like if he is fenced in the middle of a jungle and animals come to ‘see’ him everyday? Will he feel comfortable? Every bird or animal tries to build a house on its own to stay. Why do they do so? Is it not because every being is entitled to a private moment? I felt so uncomfortable on seeing those animals constantly being watched. The worst thing was that the lights were turned on during night time. Wouldn’t it be too suffocating for those creatures?

I am against growing pets at home thinking that I would be doing injustice to them by holding them in my house for my purpose and comfort but I know of many people who grew pets with all love and how the pets too reciprocated the same or more love to them. Yet they chain their pets or cage them when situation demands. Can love be chained? Can love be caged? Well, there may be controversies here. I know of many families who cared a lot for the pet that they grew, who understood its needs very well and the pet too preferred to stay back with them.

Aren’t animals at liberty to roam around this world? Let them also explore and innovate things their way. Animal Planet and Discovery channels are doing a great job. Is that not enough for us to learn about animals? Should we necessarily have a zoo as a medium of education and entertainment? Let the animals loiter all over and let we, the supreme creation of God equip ourselves always to escape from a fierce animal. Just like how people are trained in army to fight against their enemies every individual should be provided training if an animal comes to attack him. Is that not enough? Will the world understand what I am trying to say? Am I hearing voices of human beings whispering “Our lives are much more miserable than the animals in the zoo”? :)

Life's little lessons

The smile of a toddler and the innocent laughter of an infant can be mesmerizing. I realized this truth last evening when a couple visited us with their two children. The elder one was a four year old kid and the younger one was a seven month old kid. It was a nice feeling to carry the little one and play with him. The child was so happy with the new place and surrounding that he responded well to every game I played with him. It was wonderful to see him conquer his sleep because of the games that he enjoyed to participate in. Finally, when he could no more keep his little eyes wide awake, he made a loud cry followed by a short sleep.

It was such a lovely sight to watch the little boy fast asleep. I somehow began feeling that his sleep was blissful and tension-free. He does not have the worry about his next meal or the fear whether he would get another pair of clothes tomorrow or whether he would grow up to be a billionaire. He doesn’t search for a particular person to keep him happy. He smiles and laughs at whoever makes him smile. His needs are simple and genuine. He gets up with no expectations, cries when he is hungry or thirsty, cries when he needs a wash, laughs when something interests him and sleeps when he is sleepy. Simple!

I realised that I did not enjoy the infancy stage of my daughters because I had a big role to play then. I was only concerned about the endless tasks and the insufficient time I had in a day. Though there were moments when I relaxed my mind by looking at my kids’ angelic faces, still I could not persistently enjoy them. But last night, I felt that it indeed is a joy to have a little baby at home whom you can cuddle with and smile at all day long. Their cherubic face removes the loads of stress that we hold. They are undoubtedly a pill to our greedy and restless mind.

It was a sad feeling to part from the little child last night. I wished I had him all day home so that I can get inspired by his innocence. When I told the older boy that I wish to retain his little brother here with me, while he can go back home with his parents, he innocently returned the toy that he took from our house and said “I have returned yours. Now return that is mine.” It was surprising to see the understanding the little boy has in his mind. Life has begun teaching him little lessons already. As years pass by, they understand what belongs to them and what not.

The little boy made me forget all the tensions and worries that were piled up on my mind that I forgot about all of them as long as he was there. There were many things that would have eased my mind that was so clouded – an intellectual conversation, a chat with my friend, a drive or even a walk would have diverted my mind but I considered the boy’s visit as a God-given gift to me that made me go through innocence for a while along with him. Though tiny, though new to this world, he was yet successful in imparting some knowledge onto me. He made me believe that life is so simple. I felt as though he said “Stop dreaming and live for the moment like me.”