Waves

Body clock - a myth or truth?

2010-02-09T11:09:00.001-08:00

I have often heard people talk about ‘body clock’ wherein they mean that come what may, their body automatically becomes aware of the time and acts accordingly. Such persons do not need an alarm clock to wake them up every morning before going to work. It is also true that such people cannot sleep for a longer time even if they want to. I was simply wondering why it doesn’t become applicable to me. If I do not have my mobile phone next to me, I am sure to sleep for a longer time missing the alarms. On weekends, my morning begins when it is noon for the others.

I began contemplating on this for some time. Why is it that even if I get up at 5.15 every morning (except weekends) my body still needs an alarm to wake up? Why my body has a different time frame? I have discussed this with many people. Nobody gave me a clear answer. But I noticed one thing. When I have an ardent necessity to wake up the next morning to accomplish an important task, knowingly or unknowingly, I feed my mind with that thought until I shut my eyes. On such times, I become conscious very soon. It so happened that one morning, I dozed off because of a bad back without keeping any alarm to wake up. My sub-conscious mind began working and would have reminded my body about the pending work to be done at home before kids come back from school and that I should be awake at least an hour before they come. And guess what? I even dreamt about my kids waiting at the door while I am still asleep with no job done at home. I got up with a great shock within few minutes of my sleep and checked the time. There was plenty of time left for me. But that was a reminder fed in my sub conscious mind which worked! Though I do not have the guts to fully rely on my sub-conscious mind, I wish to try it out someday. This reminder of my mind works only when I have an urgent and inevitable job to be done. Otherwise, it also sleeps along with me  Why is it that only for me such feeding of data should be done as I sleep whereas for others, no such feeding becomes necessary? I have seen many sleeping without any alarms in their hand. I am really envious of such people. I wish I could change the battery of my body clock so that it begins to function like others’.

My brother-in-law once told me that body clock does exist in everybody’s body. He said that it has something to do with our mind. He told me that just before sleeping, I should imagine a clock (either analog or digital) indicating the time I wish to get up and then sleep and I am sure to get up the next morning at the same time. As I told previously, I never had the guts to risk leaving my mobile behind and once my mobile is with me, I cannot try any other methods. My sleep becomes blissful transferring all responsibility on my mobile phone. Thanks mobile phones for this most wonderful feature!

Hunger lesson

2010-02-08T11:04:00.000-08:00

To shed down a few calories that I had accumulated from my last vacation to India few weeks back, seems to be a Herculean task. When all others at home enjoy a sumptuous meal, I did not want to treat my stomach callously. So I keep feeding myself with minimum low calorie stuff. I get up everyday to just fight with my weakness - sweets! When will I stop fancying these sugary substances? I wish the small patch inside the mouth remains dry until I exhaust my work out schedule if not forever.

At this juncture, I suddenly was reminded about the millions of hungry people around the world dieing out of starvation every day. Is eating a little lesser than normal that painful when compared to those who are desperate for food? Is controlling my appetite an extremely difficult task when millions of little children survive with one incomplete or no meal per day? I was also reminded of the situation in Haiti. When people turn extremely hungry, there are no differences of any kind among them. They are just ‘hungry’ people. No man’s hunger is superior or inferior when compared to others’. When the need for food is predominantly present, their mind can never regulate them to discipline and righteousness. They just fall a prey to the place where food is. It takes determination to willfully go without food and yet remain with all the senses intact. Only great people can do that.

One such person is my guitar master. A Christian by birth, he willfully sacrificed his meal schedules for the sake of his fellow Muslim colleagues during the holy month of Ramadan. When I came to know of it initially, I was really shocked. I have been in the Gulf for nearly 10 years now and not once have I tried fasting along with the population during that time but this gentleman has been doing it for the past 5 years without any coercion. When I asked him the reason and intention behind it, he just humbly said that when his brothers are not in a position to have food, he would as well do the same and be a part of them. It should be noticed here that there have been no changes in his work timings during that period just because he was fasting. Only Muslims are given some relaxation in their work timings. But still he appeared as fresh as ever all through the period and I became aware of his deeds just few days before Eid.

When we are left with no other choice, then it is a different story but when we have the opportunity but still voluntarily refrain from doing something, is not an act done by all. Here I learnt that joy or distress of others can only be understood when we consciously and willfully step into their shoes. Once we do so, we will never be able to forget the pain or joy that we experienced out of it. That in turn will help us view, understand and love all equally.

Shadows of the Dark

2010-02-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

I am being followed and I am sensitive to it. It is irritating but inevitable. Neither can I hide nor can I escape. From the moment I wake up it stays with me with its ugly amorphous form. It is worse than a shadow since it follows me even at night. It makes me more conscious though others cannot see it. It is a nasty feeling to see it always beside me.

I sat down and contemplated to find out how and when it began; more so when did I evidently began realizing its presence. I understood that it all started the moment I lost my innocence, the moment I gave a fake smile, the moment I spoke untruth, the moment I fell as a victim to flattery, the moment I lost trust in others, the moment I formed opinions…….The list is endless. I realized it following me very recently when I finished my assignment of reviewing myself.

What could be the connection? There is a subtle link as scriptures always quoted. The nebulous substance that followed me is nothing but the results of my own actions. What can I do to get rid of this stuff? There is not much I can do about it. In the equation of life, two minus signs does not become a plus. Hats off to Him for His constant vigil over every act of the universe! The most interesting part here is that, though I am just a speck in this massive cosmos, I am also being watched. Shouldn’t I call myself blessed? And the good news is that we all are!

When I can notice the shadows of my past cruising around me, why can’t I notice the splendour of His creation encircling me? It is now time to act genuine by throwing away the cases of artificiality and stepping into the realms of integrity. What cannot be fixed can only be thrown. So let me begin my journey to gaze at the brilliance of the movement of every atom of the universe instead of concentrating on silly pleasures. Let me watch every step of mine before He does so that the shadows of my dark don’t get too heavy.

Soul connections?

2010-02-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

It was the first time I ever met her. She was just learning to walk with the help of her Mother on the pavement. She took little steps with her tiny feet that often lost balance and resulted in a big fall. Her diapers made her fall appear less dangerous. I adored her innocence and purity. Her very appearance brought an instant smile on my face. I just felt like lifting her and planting a sweet kiss on her cheeks. It was hard to ignore her as I passed her on the road. So I just waved at her and walked. But she found something else interesting in me. She took fast steps to match my speed and fell down as a result. Thanks to her Mother who made her feel better after the fall. But she did not stop. She continued marching towards me. I thought that it might be the key chain in my hand that attracted her because I had nothing else in my hand. But no! It was not that. She lifted her hands instructing me to lift her. I did it immediately as I always wanted to do that to her. She settled comfortably in me laying her little head on my shoulders. She then closed her eyes and began singing a soft song in her language with her mouth unopened. I simply did not understand what was going on. She then opened her eyes and looked at me and played with the lace of my dress. She smiled at me again and again. She brought in some joy unknowingly. I felt divine as I held her in my arms. Her Mother made several attempts to take her away from me but she just wouldn’t listen. She stayed with me as though she always belonged to me. She gave me the same feeling too as long as she was with me. How I wished to carry the little girl to my house and exchanging words of silent songs! But reality is harsh. Her Mother had to take some hard steps to take her away from me. Both of us felt the pain. The little girl reacted to the pain of separation by a loud cry and I couldn’t.

Showers of Blessings

2009-11-11T22:54:00.000-08:00

There shall be showers of blessings
This is the promise of love
There shall be seasons refreshing
Sent from the Saviour above

Showers! Showers of blessings
Showers of blessings we plead
Mercy drops round us are falling
But for the showers we plead

There shall be showers of blessings
Oh that today they might fall
Now as to God we are confessing
Now as on Jesus we call

Showers! Showers of blessings
Showers of blessings we plead
Mercy drops round us are falling
But for the showers we plead

This was one of the prayer songs we used to sing while at school. I suddenly remembered this song and tried to recollect the lyrics. I missed a line and hence called my sister to help me fill in the blank line. She helped me locate the lost words. I then sat down at home in a divine mood with nobody around to snatch my peace. I sang this song aloud as we used to at school. I sang in the same tone and manner my teacher had taught me. Surprisingly tears rolled down my cheek. I was stunned. I sang it again. Tears continued to flow. I think when I truly understood the meaning of the lyrics and meant them as I sang, tears resulted.

I am thirsty for more blessings. I am now waiting for torrential downpour of His divine grace to sink me into a flood of His mercy. God! Bless me with Thy grace.

Qualification Vs. Experience

2009-07-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

The tyranny of qualification has jettisoned the worth of experience. This is undisputedly a debatable topic though my stance is already clear as to which side my favouritism rests. I have reasons to say so.

I happened to accompany my Father, who is a garden freak, to a nursery. It is apt to mention here that I am not a person who fancy gardening. I hardly know the fundamentals of gardening and I used to find innocuous reasons not to have a garden at home. Mosquitoes in India often conspire to discuss their new proposals and targets only in gardens. That being my primary rationale, not having a garden was purely justifiable for me. But gardening is my Father’s passionate hobby in which I did not want to pry upon any more.

The nursery we went to was much beyond my expectations. It was massive and also very beautifully maintained. As soon as we entered, a lady attended to our needs. She was tall, dark, thin, country bred, keen, loquacious and extremely professional. Though her appearance exuded traces of illiteracy, her knowledge truly fascinated me.

My Father had lots of queries on each variety of plants to which she gave pertinent answers without an iota of ambiguity. She had the details of all the species of shrubs, bushes, creepers, crotons and what not lying there. She knew its botanical name, the amount of sunlight it requires, the season when it flowers, fertilizers necessary for its growth, maintenance technique and its price. The only problem that I noticed in her was lack of qualification.

There were thousands of varieties of plants there and she had information on all of them. There was one particular variety of plant that had beautifully bloomed in different colours and captured my attention. On noticing my deep adoration for the plant, she explained to me about it. She told me that it was Gerbera and also provided me more details about the plant. I came home and checked in the internet about the plant and they matched well with all the details that she had furnished. She had indirectly convinced me clearing my hidden belief by explaining that the plants that she sold to us will not attract mosquitoes.

The contour of qualification has transgressed the verve of the indigent legion. I am sure that the lady would not have taken refuge under the cover of a school roof even on a rainy day. To that extent education proved to be an alien to her but for the purpose of survival, she had fully equipped her with all that she has to know. She has the knowledge of an agricultural university professor but not the qualification. Despite having the knowledge, she is forced to work for a pay that would hardly meet her demands. The worst part is that she is not aware of the huge difference in the pay scale between a professor and her. What a qualification could fetch, experience cannot.

How can this be justified? This lady is one among millions who work for peanuts unaware of their own worth. Qualification accompanied by experience is welcome but experience alone will not suffice. What a pitiable situation is this? A piece of paper attesting a person’s knowledge in a particular field holds more value unmindful of how it was obtained. I am not sure how this problem can be resolved but I am sure there could be a way out.

Laud the living

2009-07-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

One among the calamities that arise without a premonition is death. In the normal course, on such happening, the news get spread like rapid fire and very soon assemblies of people get gathered and mourn the loss of such people irrespective of the relationship they shared with the dead. The most inscrutable thing is when we see people who always had an antagonism towards the person when alive, giving a peroration on the rich dogmas the dead had when he was alive. Isn’t this paradoxical? In other words, a person is glorified only after his death. One’s ego doesn’t permit to give credit to them when in flesh and blood.

According to our custom, it is considered inappropriate to talk bad about a dead person even if the person had actually been so. Is that the reason why people find it blatantly suitable to spit venom on a living person? Can’t those men unite to maintain the same decorum when the person is alive? Should one die to receive praises? Does it also mean that a living man becomes ineligible to be applauded? This is one part of the argument.

On the other hand, I have noted that simple gestures of love and care gets puffed up when thought of after a person’s death. I have also observed that people claim to be intolerably in love with the dead person to that extent that they assume that they would have maintained the same love and care (sometimes even more) if the person had escaped death. I am a living example for that. I often think that I would have been a better grand daughter to my grand mother who passed away long back; I assumed that I would have been one great icon of true friendship towards my friend who died few months back. I get such feelings just because they are dead and gone. These are all fleeting thoughts that cross our capricious minds. Aren’t they? We are “WE” always – the ‘constant’ “WE”!

Wide across I see a crescendo in the inexorable mass marching in unison with filthy pride. With self importance as the foundation, they construct a huge edifice of vacuum and believe it to be something. They live in a false world and invite the attention of like minded folks and form a huge committee to harangue the rest of the population. I am not a perfectionist but I am glad that I do not fall into such category of people who ridicule people and also shamelessly utter words of appreciation on their death. Such people are plague to this society.

I have personally witnessed people suffering from the endless torture of guilt on many occasions that make them go through critical episodes of depression and mental disorder. For some, it is quite natural to recollect occurrences of the past and contemplate on the mistakes that one might have committed. Thus to ensure a love filled, guilt free life, I feel that there are some tips to be kept in mind -

- Every individual is entitled to be respected from the moment we become aware he exists
- Every act that deserves appreciation necessarily needs to be valued with candour
- A cordial relationship needs to be maintained with all without any bias
- Simple signs of love and care need to be experientially enjoyed and adored
- We should always remember that we have no right to hurt or humiliate others
- Our ego should be less fed

Life is as precious to others as it is to us. Then why not esteem the presence of the others when they are right in front of us rather than thinking about their greatness after they vanish to the world of oblivion?

Sighs of my lonely mind

2009-04-30T01:11:00.000-07:00

It was a brisk morning. I was tempted to look at the lawn through the window. The lawn surrounding our house turned lifeless a couple of weeks ago. The maintenance guys began working on it since then. So I made it a habit to look at the development everyday. It is indeed stunning to look at the improvement everyday. The dry leaves are completely chopped off. They are injecting some medicines I believe that gives colour and luster to the grass. They water it, mow it and take very good care of it all day through. It is reacting well to the treatment and it is bound to gain life and shine very soon.

This made me think for a while. There is a way to tame everything in this world. The only condition is that we should ‘listen’ and ‘respond’. When in a desert like Abu Dhabi, there can be lots of greenery around, what more hope do I need that my life can also be as green as a fertile garden!

The trees listen and respond to the wind and gives breeze to all.
The water responds to the wind and flows gently.
The birds respond to the first ray of morning sunshine and wake us up.

But certain things about men are puzzling. When the other creations of God listen and respond systematically, human beings fail to do it miserably. There is nothing on this earth to alter the flow of a man’s thoughts or behaviour. He acts as per his whim.

Why is it impossible to tame our thoughts? The speed at which our thoughts travel is amazing. Nothing created by nature can match its speed. There is no medicine to prevent it. There is no instrument to measure it. There is no way to control it or stop it. Are we not becoming a slave to our own thoughts? Are our thoughts not meandering over us? Aren’t we becoming weak and dependant? Our thoughts have become our masters and we, its slaves. It is neither listening nor responding. It is taking me to dreamy state and is holding me there for hours together! Helpless me!!

Aren't we dishonest?

2009-03-15T03:30:00.000-07:00

Cheats! We, the mortals, the supreme beings of the creation are cheats. We reveal different faces to different people at different times. We are the most tactful sinner in the planet. Born with innocence, we gradually learn all the vices mush easily and justify that they are virtues. Education has to be blamed because it gives man the power to think and substantiate.

We lie to our parents when they doubt us. We try to cover up the wrong done by us and if need be, we even shift the blame to somebody else just to escape from being caught. In other words, we prepare ourselves to do all that it takes to prove us innocent even if we are actually guilty.

We are not true to anybody. We curse our uncles and aunts from within but act as though we love them. We totally agree with them in a conversation but immediately after, we ridicule them behind their back. Here again, we lack the guts to show where and how we differ but just want to give them a picture that we are the ‘bestest’ person on the earth.

We are sometimes so foolish to that extent that we think that we are perfect and begin our campaign in gossiping about others. We make fun of our siblings, our room mates, our neigbours and many others but get offended when we hear a true remark about us. Here, we indicate supremacy over others and also sensitivity to reality.

We take the least effort in studying but we expect good marks. We later brag about our wisdom if we get through the examination by chance. At the same time, we even grow jealous over others who have scored better than us forgetting for a moment that our marks were obtained by luck and not out of hard work! Outrageous!!! Isn’t it?

We get into a job by hook or by crook but are not prepared to co-operate with our colleagues or management with what they actually require. We need a decent job with a very reasonable pay and a life filled with luxury. Here, we prove that we want to fool around many to earn some bucks.

We want to portray ourselves as very clean men and women when in love. We shake our heads vigorously to all that the other person has to say and disagree at every point once we get married. This proves that we will do anything to get a thing done and once done, we begin to act in a different way.

We respect our parents only as long as their bank balances are heavy. Once the money gets exhausted, the respect also proportionately decreases. The need to portray ourselves as a ‘good child’ doesn’t arise anymore once we understand that they can no longer help us. How selfish are we!! Do we realize that it is to the same parents that we once tried to show a ‘good’ image of ourselves?

On the other hand we want our children to be the best child on earth. We explain to them in front of our parents what we were denied as a child and what they are enjoying. Here, we want to establish that we are the best category of parents who expose our children to many things by thus insulting our own parents who would have taken all the pains in the world to bring us up without cribbing as we do now to bring up our kids.

We teach our children to be honest. Are we exempted from being honest? Here, we think that certain rules are not for us. We think that we are in an elevated position than many others. Don’t we realize the mistake done by us as we commit them? On what grounds are we justifying our stance?

We hang around with friends and lie to our spouse telling that we are busy in a meeting. That way we cheat our spouse too. Who else is spared? None actually!

What are we actually trying to do? When will we be ourselves? To whom will we show our real nature? Why are we fooling around everybody? Why are we trying to show a better picture of ourselves when we are actually not? We are good at one stage to one person and we are bad at a later date to that same person. We are so passionate towards one person at one time and we cheat the same person at a later time. We smile at one person at one time and grow envious at the same person at a later time. What is wrong with us? When will we understand that we are not what we display to others? When will we live true to ourselves? When will we stop lying and be honest? Will it ever happen?

Time is our enemy

2009-03-12T02:31:00.000-07:00

Just imagine a life without time. How will you consider such a life to be? A boon or a bane? If you find it difficult to imagine, then just try this out. Choose a weekend. Remove all the wall clocks from all the rooms. Set aside your alarm clocks and make the time display of your mobile disappear. Go to bed and wake up fresh when you desire and not when the alarm buzzes. Look at the morning sun. Take a refreshing walk, come back home, have a shower, have a sumptuous breakfast with your family sitting at the table for a long time having a lengthy discussion. Pick up some DVDs. Sit, relax and watch them. Do not look at the time at all. Eat when your stomach indicates and not when the clock strikes. Go out shopping and spend some time in a park or beach with your family and return home and retire when tired. I am sure that you would have enjoyed the day as never before. You would feel free and peaceful.

Time dictates us. It asks us to get up, brush, get ready and leave for work, meet people, do our work, eat, call, go back home, pray, read, watch TV and go to bed. Why should time order us to do everything? Does it exist merely to bring about a discipline into our life? It doesn’t seem to be so. Time cannot enforce discipline. Only we are capable of disciplining ourselves. It is because we have tuned ourselves to obey time we are acting as per that schedule.

But life without time is refreshing and rejuvenating. It causes less tension and worries. It doesn’t cause us the pressure of ageing. It doesn’t cause us any stress regarding work or the anxiety of our old age and other issues.

I have heard people talk about the value of time by saying that lost time cannot be brought back. True. But that doesn’t make it precious. And we do not want those moments back. Time has not given us anything to take it back. What has gone past are the trials of our life. Time did not steal it from us. It is the life and experience that has given the shape that we bear today. We just term it as ‘time’ giving it unnecessary importance that it doesn’t deserve. Time is like a crushed paper thrown in the garbage. Who will want to pick it up from the garbage?

If there had been no concept of time, people would have given their loved ones a longer kiss, a much passionate hug, more meaningful words of love and so on. Time is an excuse. It is cruel and unwanted. I do not want it to command me. I do not want to be controlled by it. I do not want to crave for it or become its slave. I do not want my body to fear time and tune itself accordingly. I want to be free. I want to be liberated from the bonds of time. Think guys! Think! Do not talk about the preciousness of time. Talk about the uselessness of time.

Am I a Psycho?

2009-03-11T01:30:00.001-07:00

The advices given by a psychiatrist definitely involve one thing – “Express your feelings normally. Do not try to conceal it.” According to psychiatrists, these words are not only applicable to psycho patients but also to normal people who do not suffer from any mental problems. But is it possible?

Take the case of a businessman. He has to smilingly answer to the queries of his customers how much ever silly a question he may raise. The customer might be irritating beyond measure. But still the businessman has to control his anger and related emotions to win this customer’s business. Is the businessman bound to become a psycho?

Let us assume that a man is so excited over the birth of his newborn son. Let us also assume that one of his close friend’s Father died and he is attending the ceremony the same day. Will he be able to express his happiness there? Is he bound to be a psycho too?

None of us can freely express our feelings. Neither can we easily control them. There are lots of difficulties involved in both. Our surroundings play a major role in it. They are capable of creating or curtailing our life’s precious moments.

Now, let us see what are the consequences of expressing our feelings like anger, frustration and so on. They maybe

Losing job
Losing name and reputation
Fine or imprisonment
Flow of undesirable words
End of a relationship
Creating a bad impression on others
Mentally affecting others and so on

Now if you see the consequences of controlling such feelings, then the result may not be as disastrous as the above. It may sometimes save a fortune for us. But after all those efforts of saving something for our life, are our thoughts going to haunt us back again and again reminding us of the anger that we had controlled and torture us to death? Is that what the psychiatrists are talking about? Yes. That is exactly what they are talking about. They say that any feeling that is suppressed will be re-born. It takes a supreme power when it comes back to life again and haunts us. But it is more likely to affect weak minds. If we are strong enough to forget something without carrying an iota of guilt or fear, then we are likely to escape such dreadful mental diseases.

Psychiatrists believe that a great percentage of population who are ‘normal’ according to common masses maybe suffering from an internal psychological problem of which they may not be aware themselves. It is difficult to trace such problems. We tend to neglect certain unacceptable behaviour of people but psychiatrists claim that they can be a traumatic experience for them if they fail to identify their problem early. Mental diseases can easily capture a man with a weak mind and whose surroundings also aid to the adversity of his mind and spirit.

I have never been able to express my feelings openly and easily. I have expressed happiness freely but never my frustrations. I had to conceal them. I had to conceal my anger too.

My question is that how will I know if I possess a strong mind? (I will not know if I possess a strong mind unless and until I face a serious situation and learn to forget)

And secondly – Am I a psycho? :)

On her Cherubic Face

2009-03-09T01:45:00.001-07:00

One fine morning, I saw a little girl walking along with her parents. The face of a child often glows as bright as broad day light. But this child seemed to have lost all her charm. I could see her parents scolding her for something that she might have done. Her eyes struggled hard to conceal the tears of despair, the reason for which was unknown to me.

She then tried to hold her Father’s hands as they were walking but he refused to hold her. She then moved towards her Mother to see if she would hold it. But she refused too! Her feet were trembling with fear of losing them in the crowd. She could hardly match their speed but still she vigilantly followed them without any choice.

As she was walking in haste, she glanced at a bunch of peacock feathers held by a man who was trying hard to sell them to children. Her eyes began to smile upon looking at the peacock feather. For a moment she forgot about the tears that the eyes contained sometime back. She slowed down and began gazing at those feathers again. Some children were holding the feathers in their hand happily and it was so tempting for the little girl to resist. She turned around to look for her parents to get them for her. But she lost sight of them. They had walked too far. She had to run to reach them. She caught her Father’s hands again and requested him to get those feathers for her. But he angrily shouted at her reminding her of the anger they both still had over her. How innocent of her to have forgotten everything on the very look of some peacock feathers! Wasn’t her heart as soft as the feathers of the peacock?

The parents of the little girl sat in a food court where she too sat innocently obeying their orders. The Mom played the lead role in ordering some food. The girl raised her voice to her Mother asking for a particular dish which was denied by her parents for reasons known only to them. Perhaps they reminded her again of the anger they still had over her. The food arrived quickly and the little girl was asked to eat in the speed matching her parents’. Her immature hands and untrained fingers were ruthlessly coerced and put to massive work much beyond her ability. But does she have a choice?

Sometimes children outgrow parents and parents become children – immature and silly. They fight with their own kids lowering them to their level. Probably they are not aware when they should lower themselves to think like them. What crime is a young child capable of doing? How long will they harbour ill-feelings towards their own kids? The angelic face of the young girl seemed to carry heavy burden for her age. She also appeared to be responsible to handle the temper tantrums thrown by grown-ups. My findinds are thus - Kids are accommodative enough to accept such heartless and naïve parents that they become grown-ups much faster than what they appear.

Attraction

2009-01-27T03:26:00.000-08:00

Seated am I in the embers of love
with unuttered words
and a heart that is desperate
to surrender itself to where it belongs.

Dying every moment to be born again
to clear the tarnished thoughts
that keeps recollecting the flickers of
those pleasurable moments.

I am just a mortal stuffed with feelings
for the anonymous lover
who made me realize instantly
that I possess a body that isn’t mine.

In the quest of knowing more about him,
I lost all the knowledge that I acquired.
The honesty as it seems through his eyes
is the only guide I have about him.

He rocks in my berserk mind
as a champion; as a passionate lover; as a shaman.
My wide eyes rarely blink as he
snatched my sleep and replaced it with dreams.

Who is he?
Why this aberration in my mind?
An untamed force confiscated all in me leaving behind
just a state of delight encompassing grief.

A stranger is he to me and not to my heart.
His absence means nothing to me but pains my heart.
A frontier is he between me and my heart
thus making me lose my original identity.

Astonishing is this theory of magnetism
unspoken of by renowned scientists
that a heart is capable of getting magnetically
attracted to its counter part located miles away!

Goodbye, my friend!

2009-01-06T03:57:00.000-08:00

I am mourning today. I am mourning the death of my friend. I was informed about the news through a mail. I read the mail several times to make sure if I have read it right since I was unwilling to see her name there. But it was true. She died. She shed her body behind and escaped to the unknown world where I will never be able to locate her. She escaped to eternity leaving behind only memories for her loved ones to cherish.

I first met her, if I remember right in April 2006 in Coimbatore. She was our new neighbour there. My stay in India that year prolonged up to 6 months. That was when due to boredom, I met her more often and soon our relationship bloomed. We soon became very good friends. She was two years elder to me but yet unmarried. Neighbours quoted different reasons about her state of being unmarried since she had, by Indian standards, crossed the marriageable age. I was not curious to know the reason. I sincerely felt that she would disclose the reason to me if it was necessary for me to know. But neither did she confess nor did I probe into that issue. That was probably the strength of our relationship. We shared a unique bond without expecting anything from each other.

We have roamed around the city on a few occasions. We have shopped together. We even purchased 2 pairs of the same ear ring as a mark of our friendship. We have sat down in the club house during late hours just to relax and have a nice chat. We have strolled together plucking leaves of strange trees and discussing about the uniqueness of every leaf for hours together. We have merrily played in the swing together forgetting that we are grown up adults. We have watched movies together. We have even dined together. But not even on one occasion did she tell me about the dreadful disease that she carried for 6 ½ years. I came to know about it only today that she was suffering from Pulmonary Hypertension for the past few years. I was shocked to hear it today since I had absolutely no idea about it till date. But if only she had told about that to me, I would have very cautiously ridden her through the roads of Coimbatore in my bike. People suffering from such disease as PH are likely to experience shortness of breath. God! With a crazy driver like me, how many times she would have felt uncomfortable! Poor lady! But she must have had her own reasons not to disclose about that to me. True! If she had revealed the truth, my behaviour towards her would have been more sympathetic than loving. Such people do not require sympathy. They need only genuine care and attention. And that was exactly what she got from me.

I spoke to her family members this morning. What a bad start of a new year for them! They must have been going through hell now. I was also shattered after talking to them. What pain she must have gone through! What would have been running through her mind when she breathed her last?

Now looking at the entire episode in a different dimension, I think I should only be happy for her since she has been permanently relieved from this disease. It can no longer cause her pain. She need not suffer anymore. She can sleep peacefully and blissfully.

My dear friend, you are blessed. Know that I love you which I did not tell when you were alive. Be aware that I cared for you always. And above all, I prayed for you – for your evolution into higher planes of life. You were a nice person and I miss you. The gates of life’s destiny are open for me too and I am sure that we would meet some time. Farewell to you my friend!

Pink skirts and Teddy bears

2008-12-01T01:53:00.000-08:00

Women are actually an assortment of excitement, innovation, peace and bliss. They can be compared to a teddy bear – soft, cute and cushiony. They are a bundle of joy when treated with respect and a package of sorrow if they are disregarded. But one must understand that it is her inherent nature to love unconditionally.

Who wouldn’t love to gawk at those pretty dames dressed in trendy attires shaded in pinks, yellows, reds and mauves? How appealing do they look with those lovely ribbons and laces and with smile on their faces? Who wouldn’t care to ogle at those slender arms, shapely legs, attractive features and floating hair? Men would love to ogle at those cute looks and dresses. But do they ever try to understand what is behind those silky gowns? Will the opposite sex realize the feelings a woman goes through? No. According to them, women are dolls. They are pleasurable objects. They are meant to dance to the tunes composed by man. The music sometimes is short, sometimes long and sometimes never played and sometimes never ending.

A sizeable percentage of the world’s male population expects a woman to follow a set protocol. Based on how harder she struggles to attain it, that big a place in his heart is awarded to her for a stipulated period. Then the woman is rolled down from his heart as it happens in snakes and ladders by the roll of a dice. Such is the life of a woman. She has no idea when she would climb to the top with the help of a ladder and when she would be gulped by the scary snake. Unpredictable temperaments of men rules over women. Will the world accept if a woman rules over a man? Never.

I do agree that women have obtained lot more freedom than what it was years back. I am enjoying the freedom that my Mother would not have and my daughters are bound to enjoy a little more than what I did. But a woman is always a woman – a slave to man. She should seldom attempt to think on her own. She is expected to slaughter her desires and emotions. Isn’t she a living doll that is stuffed with unexpressed desires and emotions? All that she requires is a cuddle assuring a portion of love. But men are egoistic to that extent that they wouldn’t give such an assurance.

Man – woman relationship starts with a fascination. Being charmed by those sparkling eyes and childish attitude, man encourages her fly high with all the non-existing fantasies that she holds. When all her illusions fade away with the suddenly skeptical attitude of man, she has no other choice other than to fall down with a bang followed by melancholy for the rest of her life. I have seen men getting mesmerized with the external appearance of a woman that they prepare themselves to surrender at their lady’s feet. But the feeling does not stay for long. After some time, it simply dies away. The fascination does exist but no longer with the same person. Well, it happens with women too but they are prevented from shifting their loyalty to some others when men can easily jump from one tree to another without any hassle. That is the attitude of a typical Indian man.

Why this bias? Why this partiality? Who said that man is superior to a woman? Why does the world treat her so? A woman becomes a princess of a man’s heart when she obeys to her majesty’s commands and slips down to the floor when she doesn’t or raises a word against. Every woman in that angle is a prostitute since she pleases her partner to get what she wants. She is not supposed to think on her own or take her own decisions. She is always encapsulated. Only her physique appeals to a man and not her inner feelings and emotions.

Being born as a girl was not her fault. Looking pretty isn’t her fault either. Emotions and desires are inborn. Falling into the trap of love is not uncommon. But being used and thrown is her destiny.

Freedom for the 'not so supreme' living beings

2008-11-30T07:21:00.000-08:00

I visited the zoo in Al Ain a week back along with my family. My daughters enjoyed gazing at the different things each animal was doing. Some were lazing around; some were jumping with joy; some were miserably looking at the visitors; some were busily eating and some were pathetically sitting and dreaming. For a moment I thought what would be running through those animals’ minds? They say that animals are incapable of thinking but why is it that I felt that they were mourning? Why did I turn sad on seeing an orangutan which I felt was at the verge of tears? Was there something really wrong with that poor creature? Or was it just my imagination?

‘Zoo is a prison for animals.’ This is my view. I feel that their movements are restricted within the walls of their allotted space. Fortunately or unfortunately, man is the supreme creation of God and as a result animals and birds have no other choice other than to obey the master. It could also be true that if they were let free, they would harm people. But still I feel that they should be let free. When terrorists (who are supposedly human beings with intellect) can roam around freely in this world, these poor creatures definitely have the right to their freedom.

Animals in the zoo may be well fed and very well taken care of. The environment may also look jungle-like but how can they give them the freedom that they deserve? How will a man feel like if he is fenced in the middle of a jungle and animals come to ‘see’ him everyday? Will he feel comfortable? Every bird or animal tries to build a house on its own to stay. Why do they do so? Is it not because every being is entitled to a private moment? I felt so uncomfortable on seeing those animals constantly being watched. The worst thing was that the lights were turned on during night time. Wouldn’t it be too suffocating for those creatures?

I am against growing pets at home thinking that I would be doing injustice to them by holding them in my house for my purpose and comfort but I know of many people who grew pets with all love and how the pets too reciprocated the same or more love to them. Yet they chain their pets or cage them when situation demands. Can love be chained? Can love be caged? Well, there may be controversies here. I know of many families who cared a lot for the pet that they grew, who understood its needs very well and the pet too preferred to stay back with them.

Aren’t animals at liberty to roam around this world? Let them also explore and innovate things their way. Animal Planet and Discovery channels are doing a great job. Is that not enough for us to learn about animals? Should we necessarily have a zoo as a medium of education and entertainment? Let the animals loiter all over and let we, the supreme creation of God equip ourselves always to escape from a fierce animal. Just like how people are trained in army to fight against their enemies every individual should be provided training if an animal comes to attack him. Is that not enough? Will the world understand what I am trying to say? Am I hearing voices of human beings whispering “Our lives are much more miserable than the animals in the zoo”? :)

Life's little lessons

2008-11-29T08:50:00.000-08:00

The smile of a toddler and the innocent laughter of an infant can be mesmerizing. I realized this truth last evening when a couple visited us with their two children. The elder one was a four year old kid and the younger one was a seven month old kid. It was a nice feeling to carry the little one and play with him. The child was so happy with the new place and surrounding that he responded well to every game I played with him. It was wonderful to see him conquer his sleep because of the games that he enjoyed to participate in. Finally, when he could no more keep his little eyes wide awake, he made a loud cry followed by a short sleep.

It was such a lovely sight to watch the little boy fast asleep. I somehow began feeling that his sleep was blissful and tension-free. He does not have the worry about his next meal or the fear whether he would get another pair of clothes tomorrow or whether he would grow up to be a billionaire. He doesn’t search for a particular person to keep him happy. He smiles and laughs at whoever makes him smile. His needs are simple and genuine. He gets up with no expectations, cries when he is hungry or thirsty, cries when he needs a wash, laughs when something interests him and sleeps when he is sleepy. Simple!

I realised that I did not enjoy the infancy stage of my daughters because I had a big role to play then. I was only concerned about the endless tasks and the insufficient time I had in a day. Though there were moments when I relaxed my mind by looking at my kids’ angelic faces, still I could not persistently enjoy them. But last night, I felt that it indeed is a joy to have a little baby at home whom you can cuddle with and smile at all day long. Their cherubic face removes the loads of stress that we hold. They are undoubtedly a pill to our greedy and restless mind.

It was a sad feeling to part from the little child last night. I wished I had him all day home so that I can get inspired by his innocence. When I told the older boy that I wish to retain his little brother here with me, while he can go back home with his parents, he innocently returned the toy that he took from our house and said “I have returned yours. Now return that is mine.” It was surprising to see the understanding the little boy has in his mind. Life has begun teaching him little lessons already. As years pass by, they understand what belongs to them and what not.

The little boy made me forget all the tensions and worries that were piled up on my mind that I forgot about all of them as long as he was there. There were many things that would have eased my mind that was so clouded – an intellectual conversation, a chat with my friend, a drive or even a walk would have diverted my mind but I considered the boy’s visit as a God-given gift to me that made me go through innocence for a while along with him. Though tiny, though new to this world, he was yet successful in imparting some knowledge onto me. He made me believe that life is so simple. I felt as though he said “Stop dreaming and live for the moment like me.”

Breathing my new life

2008-11-27T03:55:00.000-08:00

My life is radically changing with the passage of every hour, every minute and every second. Whether the change is going to be beneficial to me or not is a question that I do not wish to interrogate myself since the occurrence of events are so exciting. I am also able to identify a new ‘me’ everyday. My acuity is no more limited. I have defined no boundaries for anything. My thoughts are no longer miserable. I am free. I am independent. I am liberated. I am ‘ME’.

I am known as a very talkative person to many, as a reserved person to a few, as a lively person to another few, an irritating specimen to some. The list is endless. But knowing me through me is an achievement and I did it! I now know me. I love me. I want me to be me, forever. I am my special me.

I no longer want to depend on the happiness of yester years or the dreams of my future. I want to enjoy every bit of the happenings in my life that are festooned with vibrant wrappers and are available exclusively for me. Whether it brings me joy or sorrow, I want to accept it and enjoy it too. I am confident. I am positive. I am self-assured.

No philosophies can convince me. I have formulated my own unique conjecture to lead my life. I have drawn the silhouette of the vim and vigor of my existence. I will be exclusively responsible for every movement in my life starting from the air that I breathe. This is my new life, my lonely life, my only life! There are no partakers of the happiness and sorrows that I go through ‘coz it is MY life.

How inimitable is the creation of an individual! Each one of us is distinctively known through our exceptional nature. Set aside the limitations that bind us. Throw away the objects of disturbances. Kick off the statutory obligations that restrict us. Lead the blissful life that brings shocking surprises and excitement every second. Is that not life all about? We are gifted not to have absolutely any idea of what will happen the next second. Isn’t life thrilling? It is indeed thrilling to me. Life is like watching a thriller movie. Every second is going to be suspense. Sometimes appalling and sometimes pleasurable.

Weekend Musings

2008-11-15T06:40:00.000-08:00

Friends promised to come home but did not. My weekend thus began with disappointment. But it was not as bad as expected. Friday gave a slow start as always. But it turned out to be an interesting weekend in the end. We decided to go for a movie in the evening.

I never appreciate taking kids to cinema halls. I get irritated with the noise of children at theatres. I love watching movies uninterruptedly with a bag of popcorn, a bar of chocolate and some juice. I hate to attend to kids’ uneasiness at that time. Hence I successfully avoided my kids into theatres so far. G and I managed to watch movies in their absence always. Either of our parents was always there every time we wanted to watch a movie. But this time, we had nobody to look after kids but I badly wanted to divert my mind. Hence I decided to take kids along with us to the movie. I gave them a brief lecture as to how a cinema hall would look like and what would be screened and about the silence they are expected to maintain throughout and finally promised them all the goodies that they would love to munch. That did the magic.

Surprisingly, they were quiet all through. They were amazed to see the gigantic screens in front of them and things being screened in an enlarged version. The sound was deafening and they were all surprised. We went to a Hindi movie called “Fashion”. Kids do not understand a word in Hindi but the exuberance in their faces was so profound that I could make out that they were really thrilled by the strange feeling. They were so busy munching their popcorn and cheese balls that they were completely lost in their own world.

The movie was a fantastic movie – flawless and thoroughly entertaining with not one unwanted scene in between. It was so coherent and sequential. Priyanka has indeed done a fantastic role.

In the interval, I asked kids if they enjoyed the movie. They gave me a big nod. One said that she enjoyed their popcorn most while the other said that she enjoyed the aunty on screen. At the end of the movie, I was curious to know if the kids understood something. But both of them said that they did not understand anything but enjoyed it because it was a huge screen with many beautiful ladies and nice gorgeous stuff that they wore. They also made a request finally to take them to a Tamil movie next time so that they can understand something. :)

Categories of People

2008-11-09T07:19:00.000-08:00

The most wonderful creation of God is believed to be man. The uniqueness of every individual from a new born baby adds further beauty to God’s creation. But my concern is about those set of people God created by mistake. I guess that those kinds of people are still alive since God cannot due to some reason erase the error. Maybe server was down when He wanted to recall them back. Are you wondering about what kind of people am I talking about?

Category 1 – People who do not answer their phone: I agree that we all will get into a situation where we may not be able to attend calls. But this particular sect of people does not fall into that class. They do not pick up phone by habit. Even if the heaven comes down, they will not pick their phone up. If by mistake they pick it up, they have their recorded monotonous message, “I will call you back.” The time will never come for them to return their calls till their death. If we happen to meet such idiots in person, we silly people tend to confess honestly to them that we had called him on this date at this time and such crap. To such questions, he would reply with wonderment, “Is it? I never received your call!”

I know boss! I know you never bother to check who called you. Maybe you are using a mobile that cannot store more than 20 numbers. You consistently miss all calls and act as though you know nothing! We are fools to call people like you. I think you carry a phone for fashion.

I feel tempted sometimes to snatch their phones and hand it over to really needy people.

Category 2 – People who give missed calls: Of late, it is becoming a habit to give missed calls to people who are at work so that they can use their office phones for personal use. That is not my worry. Again, my concern is about people who give missed calls at our residence numbers. They lack the sense of understanding that we are not interested in returning their call when we turn quiet to such strange rings. They continuously give missed calls after missed calls until we return their call. What kind of foolishness is this! Sometimes, I try picking up immediately to such missed calls. Even if by mistake they happen to hear our “hello”, they immediately ask us to call back. I don’t understand why I should be interested in saving their money!! Or will they call us back if we give them missed calls? Good heavens! Save the earth from such silly guys!

Category 3 – People who don’t respond to emails: I know that emails simply get accumulated in everybody’s mail box. 24 hours will be insufficient if one has to read and dispose all the mails on a given day. But, these kinds of people I am talking about have the time to read but no time to respond. They claim to be ‘busy’ people. They have all the time on earth to read mails or see the pictures sent but we should believe them without a doubt when they say that they did not have time to reply. Is it not an insult to the person who sends the mail?

At the moment, I am vexed with the above mentioned categories of people. They all fall into the ‘educated classes’! Education has lost its value for having educated such people!

A Fulfilling Weekend

2008-11-08T03:29:00.000-08:00

This weekend brought about the real change that we all were looking forward to. We had invited A and S to our house for dinner on Thursday. With the curtain guys fixing the curtains at one end and me concentrating on kids at the other end, it seemed a never ending process. I was just running behind the two to make sure they don’t run over the screws and nails the curtain guys had scattered all over. The remains of curtain hooks, screws, nails and the powder that fell from the wall as they drilled holes all over, were indeed a big mess to clean. They kept me busy from morning 10.30 till 5 pm in the evening.

Thanks to the Thursday traffic that made G, A and S come very late back home. Had they come much earlier, they would have been shocked to see a messy house with no trace of any dinner being served. I was delighted to see ‘people’ coming home. Being deprived of any kinds of contacts for a long time, the arrival of A and S indeed brought some bloom in the face of children as well as mine.

A and S were equally delighted. They played with kids and kept them thoroughly entertained. Then came the dinner time! Kids ate quickly with the least fuss fearing that they might miss something if they ate slowly. That way, one of my big troubles of feeding kids was also diminished by A and S. G, A, and S had dinner together and they richly complimented the food that I served (I really do not know if they meant what they said). After dinner, we all sat down to play board games. Well, I should admit here that kids are growing up. They too sat down to play with us and had great fun playing. We then listened to some music, talked, talked and talked. I thought I was only going through the loneliness here in the new city but the way kids reacted that night proved that they were also dying to meet people. After prolonged hours of chatting, we then decided to sleep.

I don’t understand why the sun rises too damn quickly on a Friday! I was prompted to curl myself into the blanket for a little more time when I was suddenly reminded of Sadguru’s words – “It is not real freedom to sleep for a long time. Real freedom lies only when you can afford to get up at ANY time you are asked to get up.” I had to get up early to take care of the ‘guests’ at home and serve them a proper meal though framing an itinerary for the day was a big task since each of us got up at a different time. We planned from a desert safari to watching movies – but nothing actually worked. We finally decided to have our lunch outside and keep loitering around. Each of us had our breakfast at a different time.

By the time we went out for lunch, it was 3.15 and somehow managed to get into a restaurant that could serve us what we wanted. After spending nearly an hour inside, we then moved towards the beach. The climate was very favourable to the decision that we took. The wind gently swayed as though they followed a pattern. It was quite a chilly evening. Kids enjoyed collecting shells and building sand castles as usual. G, A and S were busy talking all kinds of politics around their world. I was very busy creating my dream world and trying to live there with all my imagination. In short, it was a fulfilling weekend.

Show Mercy, O Showers!

2008-11-03T03:25:00.000-08:00

Didn’t you convey the message of your arrival
through the harbinger of all seasons?
Now I see not a trace of you around!
Aren’t you testing my patience?

You may be seasonal yet sensational;
You may be inconsistent yet steady;
You may be garish yet simple;
May I implore for a quick downpour?

Waiting restlessly for you with parched lips
on the crest of a lonely rock of a desert,
in the brink of despair
with no layer to shield me.

Waiting for the strands of mercy
to touch every cell of my body,
that would relieve me of this desperation
and rejuvenate my soul and spirit.

I will squirm not with displeasure
on your gentle touch,
for, I have fully attuned myself to
merrily dance to your cadence.

May it be beating showers,
or even gentle tapping all over,
I am ready to welcome you in any form -
all because of my fretfulness.

Come on, pour down! Tap me, and pat me,
touch me, and feel me
encompass me, encircle me
engulf in me and just dissolve in me!

My eye lids are wide open
waiting for a brisk sprinkle to close it.
My face has withered down
waiting for you to come and moisturize it.

My lips are bruised
devoid of your tender kiss.
My body is burning with heat
waiting for you to come and cool it down

You are nature’s bounty bestowed on me.
Drown me with your compassion.
Don’t you know that I have a syndrome
for which you are the only medication ?

The Metamorphosis - from hatred to love

2008-11-01T04:14:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the foyer of isolation, crooning elegies over my lost autonomy, I spent my first few days in the new country. Shifting from Bahrain to Abu Dhabi was undoubtedly a cumbersome task (more precisely, an unwilling task). Having been used to lesser traffic, meeting people quite often, walking out on a weekend without planning for dinner, it seemed tougher to get adjusted to this new environment. To lead a life here, one needs immense patience, lots of money, loads of luck (to get a car park) and hell a lot of planning.

It has been more than a month since I landed here in this capital city but you have to believe me when I say that I haven’t made frequent visits out of the house. It was due to manifold reasons like car-lessness (I have not wrongly spelt carelessness. I wanted to tell that we spent nearly a month without a car), husband’s busy schedule, kids’ exams and other stuff that made me confine within the walls of the house. For the first time in our life, we have been living a life for ourselves – just ‘we’ all days through. That was indeed a torture to me. Unpacking cartons, buying groceries and other kitchen-related stuff kept me occupied for a while. I kept cursing about every single thing that I could see or hear about in this place. Cribbing over those unfound things, whimpering heavily over my dis-connection with the outside world, I somehow managed to pass through the frontier of distress and hatred and entered the precincts of acceptance. That was when the thought of going out for weekends arose. After a couple of hours of browsing, I identified the right places to visit. To begin with, I discovered places of interest for kids. We began moving out every Thursdays. With some money to spare, some luck in hand (for parking), instilling patience on my husband’s mind (for driving in the madding traffic of Abu Dhabi on a weekend) and with proper snacks to feed children when we get stuck in traffic, we thus began our journey out on weekends.

Everywhere I went, I looked around helplessly to locate a known face but in vain. It is not that we do not know anybody here in this place. I simply could not get the key to enter into their minds. Neither did I want anybody to consider me an object of disturbance. I developed my own saying, “Strangers can be better friends than acquaintances”. Thus I began the project of spotting new friends. With just one day to spare in a week, how successful can I be in making friends when the rest of the family’s concentration is purely vested on entertainment? So keeping that thought in the backyard of my mind, I managed to participate in the rest of the weekend activities.

For a change, this weekend we decided to go to the corniche instead of malls since the weather was pleasant and favourable. Abu Dhabi corniche was a lovely place to visit. The serene beauty of nature was unperturbed by the hustle and bustle of the people occupying it. It was a feast to see such a beauty properly organized and effectively used by the public. Corniche, park and beach were spread over kilometers in a single long stretch. This is an ideal place to relax after days of busy work schedule. Kids were left loose in the open area. I could see them stretch themselves to this ocean of paradise encompassing them into the beauty of nature and jumping in the new found joy. Since they were not properly equipped to jump into the water, they simply let their feet touch the gentle and kind waves that kissed the shore with grace. After a while they played with glee in the park and built castles in the sand. The happiness was found not only in kids’ face but also in ours. I too assisted them in building their castles. I began understanding that since there were lots of friends in Bahrain, we hardly spent time understanding our family’s tastes and interests. This is what the new life has made me understand. That moment I realised that in this city, we don’t have people to visit us home or call us or invite us or even to enquire about us. But still there can be seen traces of joy and happiness. It is not the people or place that gives us happiness. It is the settings of our mind that enable us to unveil the curtains of happiness hiding behind every single thing in life.

Everything in this world is in the eyes with which we project it. If we are able to lead a life without bias imbibing the innocence of kids, there is no missing or craving for anything around. With time, I have got used to this new surrounding. But I believe that I should not have taken 30 days to begin liking a place. We should be able to change gears based on the circumstance we step in. There is always a scope for enjoyment wherever we go.

A Tribute to my Revered Teacher

2008-10-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

“She is a terror”; “She is patently despotic”; “She doesn’t love anybody” – these were some of the words my seniors used to describe about Sister Jacob at school. My sister gave me a different testimonial though (My sister loved Sr. Jacob and she too loved my sister a lot). I felt it difficult to believe my sister in this aspect. I too, just like my seniors developed fear for her. Sr. Jacob was short, dark, and stout. She wore glasses that gave her the look of an authentic school teacher.

While at assembly her mere presence brought complete silence. During lunch breaks too, she used to move around to find traces of indiscipline among students. We always made an orderly entrance into the Hindi class since her room was immediately next to the Hindi class.

I had been part of the school choir. While singing, she would make a sudden appearance to hear all of us sing. The moment somebody giggles or talks, she would yell at them and throw them out of the group however well they might be singing. None of us dared to open our mouth except for singing when we realise that she is there to inspect.

The subject that she handled was English for Class 9 and 10. She was too good at it. During school assembly, if she noticed children using bad English, she would stop them immediately by saying, “stop using your pocket English”. Most of us preferred to shut our mouth the moment we notice her in our vicinity. When I was promoted to Class 9, I was too unhappy because I knew that she would be handling English class. In the normal course, English classes were fun period for us. We always had wonderful teachers for English who would not insist much on homework or ‘reading aloud’ stuff. But we knew that Sr. Jacob would be demanding too much from us. We were praying that she should somehow refrain from taking classes for us. And the miracle happened. It so happened fortunately for us that our Principal was transferred to another school and Sr. Jacob became the Principal. As a Principal her responsibilities increased and as a result she could manage to handle only Class 10. We rejoiced over this.

But the time came when we were promoted to 10th grade. No miracle happened this time. She became our English teacher. No escape!

The first annoying thing she did was a separation between Anu (one of my best friends) and me. She changed our sections. The entire school knew that Anu and I were best friends. We were always seen together. She shifted Anu to ‘A’ section and me to ‘B’ section. We both cursed her enough for this. English class thus began with such distress in my mind.

But the fear and dislike I had for Sr. Jacob did not continue for long. I began to agree with my sister. I really started admiring the way she handled the class. The class always maintained pin drop silence whenever she took class. That made me highly attentive in the class. I marveled at her approach towards the subject. I had never required a teacher’s assistance to write an English examination until that point. But she made me depend on her for ideas as to how to effectively prepare for an English exam. She discouraged reproducing words from the text. She encouraged building our vocabulary. She made us innovate with every lesson. She made us work out every illustration in the text book. She made us divide ourselves into groups and discuss about what we understood. She would ask us to write what we understood involving the inputs of our group members. She would then give us role-play. Most of the students who were weak in English and who disliked discussions continued hating her. But I simply fell in love with her. There was one another classmate of mine by name Jayadevi who too loved her incessantly.

Poems were taught beautifully by Sr. Jacob. I just couldn’t stop wondering why she should confine her to the rooms of a school when she had the ability to handle English literature for college students. Once she taught us “Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening” by Robert Frost. What a wonderful poem! And what wonderful explanation to it! I still remember the last few lines –

“The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep..”

The last 2 lines (the repetition) in poetic terms is called a refrain. The core of the poem is the last 4 lines. It was a definite ERC (Explain with Reference to the Context) question whenever she set the question paper.

Her method of conveying was commendable. I simply felt like attending her class alone for the rest of my life. She also taught us “Daffodils” by William Wordsworth. More than Wordsworth’s poem, I appreciated how well Sr. Jacob had managed to set it into our minds. I simply loved her and she knew that I loved her. She also made a mention in my autograph book that I was a super star in her class. I still cannot forget those lines in my autograph book. They are priceless words transferred by a person of high intellect to a simple person like me.

She also encouraged me to write poems. Being inspired by Wordsworth’s ‘Daffodils’, Jayadevi and I made an attempt to write a poem sitting in the small garden of our school. We employed rich words and compiled a poem and showed it to her and won her credit. I feel that I should have preserved that piece of paper today. She pinned up high hopes on me. She wanted me to get educated in Cambridge University.

She taught us Grammar too. She used to explain them very well to us. Once she taught figure of speech - simile and metaphor and the difference between the two. She told us that we should never forget this at all and that she would come and ask us the difference between a simile and a metaphor on the day of our marriage. The example she gave was “He fought like a lion in the battle” – this was an example for simile and “He was a lion in the battle” – this was for metaphor. It has been 8 years since I am married now. I am still ready to answer her and so is my sister. Now where is Sr. Jacob to ask us this question?

Sr. Jacob was a pioneer in various fields. She used to handle office administration effectively as a responsible principal. She handled English classes for us. She used to organize various events and activities at school. She used to collect donations from wealthy people for the upbringing of our school. She used to monitor the other teachers of our school and had handled complaints from parents. She was too nice and sweet with all the parents. She was a simple person wearing a white robe on all days. Her life revolved around the convent and the chapel there. She hardly saw the world outside her. Once when I told her that I don’t want to get married, she asked me if I am also going to be a nun like her. At that point I did not give it a big thought and said that I would become a nun. But today, if I sit and note the sacrifices that one has to make to become a nun, I realize that it is never a joke to be a nun and I would never be able to do it either.

There was not a single person who would have escaped from writing the imposition that she often asked us to write – “I am an irresponsible idiot”. Yes, even I have written it too (A hundred times). Once she asked the entire class to write it when we could not maintain silence during the absence of a teacher. But my sister has escaped from it (didn’t I tell you that they both like each other so much?). She knew that most of the children were scared of her and never had good remarks about her. There were only few like my sister and some others like me who understood her true worth.

I had wondered what happiness would mean to her when I once saw her removing her spectacles and wiping tears away. I prayed to God for her that day. It was disturbing to see her like that. I knew that she prayed for our welfare everyday. Our batch created record of bringing the highest marks in the history of the school. She was too excited. All of her favourite students decided to make a visit to the school every year. But unfortunately, it never happened. All of us moved to different places in pursuit of establishing a career. We eventually lost touch with her. Anu gave me the sad news of her death some years back. I shed some tears for her. But I regret not having met her after my school life. I wish I had.

In this world where people pursue career as a part of making money, there existed my one and only Sr. Jacob who was so dedicated to what she was doing without being paid. Isn’t this called true service?

In a small town like Salem in Tamil Nadu where only Tamil is widely spoken, nobody would have imagined that there once lived a lady who imparted a foreign language so vividly to various children to that extent that they could manage a life abroad easily. Many thanks to you Sister; I loved you for what you were. But for you, I wouldn’t have developed a flair for English language.

How happy she would be if she comes to know that I have dedicated a blog exclusively for her! Who knows, maybe she is reading my blogs from the balconies of heaven!

The 'Devotee-friendly' God

2008-09-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

“Invoke His presence and your deal is done”- He is none other than our dear Lord Ganesha whose birthday is being celebrated all over India today. He stands first in the list of favourite Gods for almost all. He is being worshipped on all occasions. He is served first before offering the other Gods. Why is that? I honestly do not know but all I infer is that He is so cool and easy unlike the Others.

To me, His eyes look so compassionate. I feel He cries with me when I am in sorrow. I assume that he carries my burden sometimes and relieves me off pressure secretly. He appears so loving and kind that I can confess freely to Him. He lays no rules to me. He is not strict with me. He pardons me easily. But at the same time, He makes sure that I do not repeat it. He loves junkies just like me. He doesn’t advice me. What a pleasure to have such a lovely companion with me all the time!

It is not only to me. Most of the people in India take Him for granted. He is the only God who poses in different styles matching the latest trend. I was not surprised to see Him posing with a cricket bat and ball, sometimes with musical instruments, sometimes posing like sumo wrestlers, sometimes munching in front of the TV, sometimes listening to music from internet. He is such a adorable character whom everybody would love to meet.

I offered Lord Ganesha some prayers today. Kids enjoyed His procession in our compound this evening. Arrays of petitions would have reached his large ears today. Wondering how He captured the hearts of infinite number of devotees effortlessly!!

Random Musings

2008-08-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

Heart Vs. Mind

Lured was I to taste those juicy fruits in the vineyard

Touch did I with the genuine appetite to devour them

Prevent did my mind that demanded a justification for my hunger

Struggle did I to distinguish between temptation and necessities

My mind repudiated my inclination to savour the alluring fruits

Isn’t life always like this?

Heart and mind can never get united. Mind always wins.

I still didn’t taste the tormenting fruit.

Eyes Vs. Words

Your eyes have never hurt me like what your words did.

Do you wonder why I still care for you even after those harsh words?

Keep assuming until I work out an answer for it.

But the truth is that I am not able to forget those moments I had with your eyes.

Powerful were your eyes. Haven’t I spoken enough about it?

The ruthless words turned insignificant when compared to the strength of your eyes.

Thought Transference

While together, I can easily pass my heart’s messages to you through my eyes.

I am wedged with only one option now - The fastest and the most inexpensive form of communicating - ‘telepathy’

But you don’t seem to reciprocate even after the volumes of messages that I sent to you!

Any technical problem? Or were you not in a position to acknowledge?

Mr. Unique?

Did you want to establish that you are different from the others?

How could you manage to escape with that mesmerizing smile and seducing glances?

Why didn’t you try to express and win?

Could you manage to touch only the heart?

The ‘J’ Factor

Can the river rejoice merrily that the sun is shining on it?

The flowers, oceans, fields, snow and butterflies are equally happy.

Doesn’t the river have the right to grow jealous over the others?

Do you still want to know who is the Sun and who is the river?

Who are you?

You are in every question that I ask myself

You are the answer to every question I think of.

You are the reason for my grief

And you are the remedy for my sorrows

You have a role every time I dream.

Though you are an integral part of my ideal life

It is sad to learn that you cannot be a part of my absolute life.

Hiatus

Did the period of lull speak anything at all to you?

Well, it conveyed lots to me.

It asked me “when is the revival?”

The Drama

2008-08-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

She did not know how it commenced
But as it began, it ignited a steady flame of obsession within her.

She did not know how it sustained
But as it continued, it splashed a gush of cool waves all over her.

She did not know how it got severed
But as it got disconnected, it tossed her into an ocean of misery.

She did not know how it convalesced
But as it recovered, it made her descend into a bundle of philosophies.

She has no idea as to where it stands now.
She has no clue as to how she would react to it again.
But she seems to have enjoyed that little segment of play in her life.

What am I Crying About?

2008-08-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

This trip to India has really been memorable so far. I call it ‘memorable’ for plenty of reasons. But the primary reason is that I began to realize that I have no problems as such and if I want I can make my life happier. I am blessed that way. This time, I met many people who instilled some strong thoughts in my mind that may not fade away at all. There were some incidents that imbibed some feelings onto me. I have penned down some of the incidents that shook me.

As I was walking out of the restaurant one evening, I saw a young boy approaching me with plenty of agarbathis (incense sticks) in his hands. He looked smart, bright and energetic, tidy and much presentable. I presume he must be around 13 years of age. He marketed pretty well to sell at least one of those packets to me. I was simply stunned at his selling abilities. I felt sorry for the kind of situation he was in, where he had to sell and make money at an age when most of the other boys of the same age would be enjoying their school days with their friends. Boys of this age in the west would have initiated their dating deals with young girls. What kind of pressure is this boy in! How will I feel if my daughter is in such a position? I just couldn't imagine such a scenario. I immediately opened my purse, pulled out a note and gave it to the boy. He was very happy. He asked me which one I wanted. I did not have an answer. After a moment of silence, I told him, “Give me the one that gives the best fragrance”. He picked up one and handed it over to me and searched for change. Unwilling to get the balance, I asked him to keep the change with him. Probably that would help him take care of a meal.

In my neighbourhood, there is a family who has an 18 year old mentally challenged daughter. I get to see her almost everyday at the park when I take my daughters there. She merrily plays in the swing along with my daughters. I often fancied the happiness in her smile when she swings. She derives some unique joy perhaps, when she swings like a small child. I was troubled to learn that she is not like any of the others. She talks to herself sometimes and also laughs heartily for no reason. I was simply wondering what would be going through her mind. In one way, I feel they are free from the hardships that a common man goes through. But the other aspect is the difficulty for the people taking care of such a child. Her parents are very loving to her and they treat her like a 5 year old child. To me she looked very beautiful. One day in the park, as I saw her swinging merrily, I just thought for a moment, “How nice it would be if she had been a normal kid. She would have been one of the most beautiful girls in the college that every guy would love to date with!” As I thought about her, she beckoned to me and said, “Aunty! You look too beautiful.” I was shocked for a moment. I softly said, “Thank you. You too look very beautiful.” She smiled and walked away. What does beauty mean to her? What did she find in me? I feel I am in no way close to the beautiful features that she had. Did she find out that I was thinking about her or was it purely co-incidental that she too opened the same subject that I thought about? I don’t know.

One evening, I had been to shopping with my daughters when I met one of my old bus friends. We traveled by the same bus everyday. The last time I met her was probably 13 years back. She was the first to recognize me. There were lots of changes in our appearances. She remarked that I had accumulated enough weight. She too had put on weight, but the most significant change in her was her hair cut. She had a boy cut. She had lovely hair. I was curious to know the reason for this kind of a hair cut. She said that once when her daughter suffered from accidental burns, she was in a critical condition and was admitted in a hospital. She had, at that time prayed to God that she would sacrifice her hair if her daughter recovers. Fortunately, her daughter recovered completely from the burns. As promised, she sacrificed her hair to the Lord. Her hair had just begun to grow and that is why it looked like she had a boy cut. I am of the belief that God, the Giver, doesnt' expect or require anything from us. Sacrificing animals, hair and jewellery are part of the culture that I am in. I personally do not beleive in bribing God that way but her audacity to compromise with her looks for the sake of her daughter was amazing to me. Will I be willing to shave my head off like her at any point of time for anybody in my life? I had felt that my love towards people had been silent and deep but now I see people revealing profound love and not at all making big fuss about it. I began to wonder if there is any meaning at all for the love I claim to carry for the people around me. What will I be willing to do for them if they end up in a crisis?

I had been on a short trip to Bangalore along with my husband. As we were driving into the outskirts of the IT hub of south India, I noticed many people leading their families on one corner of the road. They had constructed a small tent to protect them from rain and heat. That is all. There were no bedrooms or drawings rooms or kitchen. In a world where technology is highly advanced and in a place that is getting highly sophisticated, these people are living in ignorance. What a contrast! They do menial jobs and earn their living. They let their children to work too. Some beg and earn money. They are not aware of the IT boom or about computers or about the latest inventions or about the corruption going around or about the sale going on or about the beautiful landscapes around their city. They are probably happy in their own world. Is ignorance bliss?

Bitz

2008-07-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

Power – Why should I look at the sun to obtain light when I can get it right from your eyes?

Heights of insomnia – Cobwebs in my eyes.

Seasons – Just containing the temperature of all seasons in just 5’5’’.

Storage capacity - My wishlist is very short that it requires not even 0.5 KB of your mind’s memory space.

Killer – Music, dreams and imaginations can revive a person and also ruin a person.

Call centre - Is there a toll free number for trouble shooting of my mind? At least one phone number in this world where one will be heard not advised or instructed.

Communication – Both silence and speech couldn’t fetch me the answer.

Water Therapy – When hard rocks can be softened to soft pebbles with the passage of river, is it difficult to soften your heart with my tears?

Special offer - Where on earth will I get that “something more” upon no additional clause?

Magic of time – Deafening uproar reduced to silence in my room and my heart.

East or West, Home is Best

2008-07-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

As the wheels of the plane touched the ground, I felt that my home country shed tears of joy and happiness as a welcome gesture. Yes, it was raining heavily as I landed in India few days back. What a sense of relief it would be for us who have escaped from the scorching heat of Middle East just to take refuge for few days in the land of wet soil! The nostalgic smell of the wet sand, the dew drops from the green leaves, the fertile grass lands, the unruly traffic system, the sting of mosquitoes, the sound of temple bells, the traditionally dressed men and women were some of the few things that I had missed for a long time.

My last visit to India was nearly 2 years back and my daughters were hardly 4 years old then. They had very little memory about their last visit. So this visit is almost a wonder to them. They are identifying and learning everything with astonishment. It was so nice to watch my kids enjoy the rain and the wet sand after it stopped. I made the least effort to stop them from dancing with their bare feet outside the house. They were delighted over the newly obtained freedom. How bad of me for having denied them a close association with nature for a purpose of pursuing a career! Can money compensate the relief they will gain by playing outside uninterruptedly almost on all seasons of the year? Is it possible anywhere outside India to play outside the house throughout all seasons? I doubt though.

I was shocked when my daughters failed to identify a cow just because it was black in colour. It was because they had always seen cows on books and TV that were brown and white. They were very happy to see a real butterfly fluttering its colourful little wings merrily. They term mosquito, ant and related insects as “cockroach” since that is the only insect that they have seen. I was constantly worried about the mosquito bites that would attack on fresh blood and how my daughters who are finicky about every small injury would handle it. But they seem to be less bothered about such stuff than adults. I am glad that they have accepted everything about this place.

But one thing that is troubling me is that my daughters keep repeating that they miss Bahrain. Just like how I miss everything about India, they are missing something about Bahrain (though I feel that Bahrain is only a sophisticated prison for children). As children, they tend to forget things quicker. I only hope that we come back and settle down in this fertile country for good.

My Deep Dark Secrets

2008-07-02T05:54:00.000-07:00

Impulsively Me http://impulsive-outpourings.blogspot.com had tagged me and hence am revealing few of my dark secrets.

I had failed in Maths and History when I was in class 3. I was not ashamed at all since I knew that it was because I missed classes for almost a month and a half due to typhoid.

I had flopped few elocution and dance competitions at school because of stage fear.

I was a very poor and slow eater.

I was interested in space science since childhood.

I had sacrificed my lunches that my Mother packed for school to birds and dogs that passed by.

I always wanted to learn playing guitar.

I was never interested in studies during my early childhood and had been angry over my elder sister who used to outperform everybody in her class.

I never knew how to handle kids until I had mine. In fact, I used to hate kids.

I get influenced easily but I will not easily get cheated.

I can be venomous to people whom I don’t like for reasons known only to me.

I don’t forget things easily.

Nobody can compete with me when it comes to determination. I am indeed strong willed and can overcome anything that I want.

I wish to tag Mohan Krishnamurthy http://leomohan.blogspot.com

If only I could create the world....

2008-06-16T04:36:00.000-07:00

If world was my own creation,
you would be the only being existing;
and the whole universe would be painted with
nuances of love, joy and ecstasy.

I would change the whole ambience of the planet for you.
The colour of the sky would be transformed to a shade of your liking.
The flowers would bloom in the pattern that you decide.
The fruits would be created to fulfill your exclusive taste.

I would fill the air with the fragrance you would love.
I would treat your eyes with astounding landscapes.
I would stuff your ears with enchanting melodies.
I would feast your soul with blissful rhapsodies.

You would be the emperor, and I, the compliant apostle.
With a wave of your hand, I would appear before you.
I would convert myself to the form that you desire,
but I wish you to be just as you now are.

I want your sparkling eyes, entrancing voice,
endearing appearance and passionate strokes
in its pristine form
exactly like what I have seen and enjoyed.

Let me sing in joy on the newly obtained freedom
removing guilt and fear that would never arise.
Let us touch the horizons of life in unison
And enjoy the showers of peace and happiness.

Let us together engulf into the paradise of rapture,
into a world of seamless bliss and silence
by sharing those evocative glances again
that which only you and I understand.

Release those bejeweled expressions
that you have long hidden from me.
Remember, this is a world of solitude created for you;
explore the treasure you think I carry.

Oh dear! I am now all yours and you are all mine.
Surprise me with your tabloid manifestation.
Forget not that I am now your consort and not an archangel.
Let us remain everlastingly in this numinous state!

Dream Spell

2008-06-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

Am I not the best architect in the world?
With strokes of my imagination and impulse
I drew a silhouette of the emperor of my heart
based on the symposium between my dreams and mind
and in commemoration of the endless vision I had of his’.
And one night, to my surprise, he appeared in front of my eyes
exactly the way I had professed him to be!
Yes, he emerged to be the finest quixotic metaphor.

I could perceive honesty in his gleaming eyes.
They exhibited the same love I had for him.
My unwary eyes that met his’ incessantly
implored for such lasting conventions.
His hands were as tender and genuine as I had thought.
He quickly sensed my pulsating feelings for him
And touched me with his caring hands
and drew me closer to him.

I remained calm – not an iota of paranoia.
I contained my bubbly desires
and waited for his lips to utter; and as expected
he surprised me with a bouquet of affable words.
I observed him speaking mellifluously to please me
He removed the encircling manacles of my mind instantly.
The movement of his lips was an antidote
to my garbled thoughts.

He held my hands as we walked miles and miles
Through the woods and towards the brook.
The pristine breeze and the silvery moon
were the only witnesses to the silent night we spent,
chatting about the little tales around the world.
He felt my tresses as he spoke those lovely stories
And led me to a world of enchantment.
He sang lullaby to me as I dozed in his caring shoulders.

The chirping of birds woke me up in the morning.
I saw myself lying on a bench close to the brook.
With a smile on my face, I woke up merrily. I turned around.
Where was he? My dream lover? Did he disappear?
I was at the brink of despair!
The conqueror of my hearts had vanished without a warning!
Perfidious, treacherous, betrayer is he
who instilled ephemeral thoughts in my mind and faded away!

Oh beloved! I had juvenile unfulfilled dreams that only you could fulfill.
Come on my dear! Let me hold your hands and play with your fingers.
Let me dissolve my insecure feelings by barely hugging you.
Let me dissipate my sorrows by looking at your idyllic face.
………But why should I discharge such asinine thoughts?
Aren’t you all mine? Don’t I have full control over you?
You exist and cease to exist at my will. You are my imagination.
And I am just a designer of my own dreams!!

Brutal Dreams

2008-05-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

There were nights when my eyelids fought and refused to kiss each other. Last night, it appeared to me that their war was over. Without any fuss, they kissed each other tightly and led me soon to a dream world. My dream world yesterday involved all the elements and people whom I love. I was led to a huge mansion in the midst of scenic beauty. The house had all amenities that I would require. I was accompanied by so many people whose name and faces I hardly remember. I even wonder if I had ever met them in my life. But I was so comfortable with them and addressed them all with their first names. There was a golf course behind and I watched people playing there. I did not, in the first glance understand who they were but later on with a zoom lens camera somebody narrated who they all were. They were all people much closer to my heart and whom I have missed for quite some time now. I was happy to see them all. But for some reason, I was secretly watching them. I don’t understand why I was secretly observing them. Why didn’t I become a part of their play? Why didn’t I go and talk to them? Some force restricted me from going there. Why? Why? Why? Even my dreams don’t permit me to visit them! When I was under the impression that life is so cruel, my dreams are also equally ruthless and disappointing. It spoils the beginning of another day.

Dreams are never coherent. It has no sequence. It becomes a compilation of haphazard events of my life plucked from different stages of my life. Sometimes I meet people whom I would have met just once in my life and they will appear to be so friendly with me. Sometimes my close friends would seem to be very far away from me emotionally. But dreams are just dreams. It has not meaning to our virtual life. But they are bound to be brutal sometimes affecting our treasured feelings.

Tagged

2008-05-22T04:08:00.000-07:00

This is the first time I am being tagged. I am glad that the questions put forth and pretty interesting. Here I begin -

* Last Movie You Saw In The Theater
What happens in Vegas

* Which Book(s) Are You Reading?
'Pilgrimage' by Paulo Coelho

* Favourite Board Game
Monopoly

* Favourite Smells
Smell of paint and petrol
Smell of jasmine flower

* Favourite Sound
Tinkle of glass
Jingle of bells

* Worst Feeling In The World
Poverty, old age and loneliness

* Favourite Fast Food Place
Burger King

* Finish This Statement: If I had a lot of money, I'd...
Deposit them in the name of my daughters.

* Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
I would love to.

* Storms - Cool or Scary?
Cool

* If you could dye your hair any colour, what would it be?
Burgundy

* Future Child's Name
Smriti, Srishti, Siddharth and lot more (But I already have 2 now)

* Do you drive fast?
No. I don’t drive fast.

* One nice thing about the person who sent this to you
Well, Padmaja is an embodiment of patience. She is a patient listener. She is a very honest person and also very generous. She can never carry ill feelings towards anybody. It is a nice feeling to have her as a friend. There are many more nice things about her which one can understand only when befriended.

* What's under your bed?
My mobile phone and books

* Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Yes and No. 'Yes' because I wish to retain the same characters and habits and 'No' because I want a change in my appearance.

* Morning person or night owl?
Night owl

* Over easy or Sunny side up?
Sunny side up

* Favourite place to relax
In a cottage somewhere close to a wonderful beach along with some cds and books.

* Favourite Pie
Apple Pie

* Favourite ice cream flavours
Butter Scotch and kulfi

* Of all the people you have tagged this to, who is most likely to respond first?
No idea. Most of my friends are busy and the only friend who responds very quickly is the one who has tagged me :)

I wish to tag Mohan Mohan

and Kunjubi Kunjubi

Baby, am I a good Mom?

2008-05-19T01:49:00.000-07:00

You told me “I love you” for the nth time
You still say that I am a good Mom!
As I kissed you good night
And as I watch you sleeping
I discover your appealing features
How soft is the quality of your skin!
How silky is the texture of your hair!
How dense are your eye lashes!
How shapely are your lips!
How innocent are your looks!
How orderly are your teeth that are
partially seen as you sleep with your tiny mouth open!
How nice do you smell Oh little one!
You are a lovely cute kid! You are my little baby!

How tiny are your little untrained fingers!
Did it hurt baby, when I yelled at you for not writing neatly?
How tender are your lovely legs!
Did it pain sweet heart, when you ran errands for me?

Because I had poor time management,
I urged you to get ready quickly
Because I was lazy,
I packed up stuff that you wouldn’t love to eat
Because I was off mood,
I yelled at you for having spilt a drop of milk on the floor
Because I was tired,
I asked you to do your homework without my assistance
Because I wanted to watch my favourite channel,
I asked you to read a book instead of watching cartoon.
Because I was very sleepy,
I did not read your bed time story that you enjoy every night
Because I like to eat from restaurants,
I denied you home cooked food
How selfish am I, my sweetie pie?

I accuse you of not being responsible.
Now I realize that I am myself not.
I complain that you are not consistently performing
Neither am I!
I grumble that you are too much dependent on me
Well, I am dependent on you too
I moan that you are not listening to what I say
Am I listening to my parents?

Why didn’t I let you go and play to your heart’s content with your friends?
Why didn’t I let you take your own sweet time in the parks every time we went there?
Why didn’t I let you buy the toys that you wanted to play with?
Why didn’t I let you wear the dress that you wanted to wear?
Why didn’t I let you decide where and how you wanted to spend your vacation?
Baby, did you really enjoy the summer camp last year?

How simple are your desires!
How inexpensive are your desires!How selfish of me
for not having your desires fulfilled!
You would have been happy building castles in the beach
When I would be discussing with Daddy when to buy one like that
You would have been happy playing with a silly toy
When I would stop you from buying it stating that you have outgrown them
You would have been happy playing with your video games
When I interfere and say how you are wasting your time
You would have just called up to say a hi to your friend
When I just stop you telling about the increasing phone bill and I dial my friend

Darling, I failed to mention that I enjoyed
The kiss you planted on my cheek unexpectedly
The hug you gave me when I least deserved it
The smile you gave when I was angry over you
The patch-up effort you made to please me and
The words you ever say when you are back from school “I missed you Mom”.

You made me feel happy when someone asked you “Whom do you love the most?”
And you said that you love me the most!!??
I was delighted and elated.
Now the thought appear if I really deserve that comment from you.
Forgive me O little one! Forgive this sinner
You have given me the greatest honour of being your loved one
and I wish to retain that position in your heart forever.
For all that I have done to you, if you still love me,
Am I not privileged to have you as my child?
I love you too sweetie. I love you my honey bunch.
I love you the most in this whole wide world.
But tell me honestly, am I a good Mom?

Parting made easy

2008-05-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

Parting is the most agonizing episode every man comes across in his life. Every body is aware of the pain that it causes and the virulent marks that it leaves behind . Some go through the pain willfully while for the rest, it is just not an option. Our level of maturity is measured with how we accost the episode and how soon or slow do we take for convalescing from the incident.

It is undoubtedly painful to part from our friends or relatives but whether we agree or not, the fact is that nobody is indispensable. Life keeps moving. I cannot re-live those happy moments when I came to know that I came first in my University. I cannot sit and cry today like the way I cried when my Grand Mother died. We forget things as the seconds hand of the clock ticks and moves. That indicates that we are moving farther from the throbbing episode. We are sure to recover.

One of my friends said in an instance, “Life is a question to which there is no answer and death is an answer to which there is no question.” How true is it? Though I wouldn’t agree that we are mere puppets in the hands of God, I would certainly agree that we have no control over things happening around us. Our life can be happier if we accept things as it happens rather than probing why it happens.

Since I have also been a victim to this painful episode of parting, I can probably suggest some tips for early recovery. One of the most important tips is ‘preparing our mind’. It actually works. Anticipating a separation, one should constantly feed the mind with thoughts without a particular person or group of friends as the case may be. Our state of mind is the result of our momentary thoughts + emotions. So to get rid of it, we have to feed strong positive thoughts not letting our mind to engulf into the ocean of loss.

The second tip is ‘diversion’. If we feel that we would terribly be affected with the loss of separation, then it is wise to indulge in activities that are brain involving like playing sudoku, solving a mathematical puzzle or so. Indulging in brain activities can be challenging as well as thoroughly occupying. Activities of personal interest can also be developed like playing any outdoor games, learning a new art like music or any musical instrument.

The third tip is meant for people who are willfully trying to get over somebody or if somebody is trying to get over us. This tip is ‘avoiding’ – just avoiding. Avoidance of what? Well, that depends. Avoidance of any kinds of contacts will help. It is better to destroy anything that would probably remind us of the person. Even if it involves changing a house or changing a job. I mean it. It works!

Parting emotionally from a person who is physically present in front of us is something which no man can easily get over. For this, a strong will + diversion + passage of time could work out to be a good cure. At such cases, feeding a negative thought about that person could also help but that is not an acceptable or healthy form of getting rid of a person.

As said earlier, I have also been a victim of separation. I have personally utilized more than one of the tips mentioned above which have been coined exclusively by me to help myself get over such unpleasant situations of parting. I employed determination as the prime factor while following the theories I mentioned above. Our life is in our hands. We can beautifully adorn our life with peace and happiness. Parting is a part of our life. Let us dissipate the pain and make it look easy.

Blood and Colours

2008-05-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

An origin unknown and a destination unseen-
How strange is the path of life?
We poor mortals
jinxed with squint eyes, and color blind,
Unfit to decipher, even the hues of our life!

But lo! How vibrant is the essence of life!
How luminous is the play of colours in our life!
Colours are a prelude to our vociferous life.
They add limericks to a derelict mind.
It generates whisk to a hackneyed routine.
Are they not the nuances of an incandescent living?
They are a hymn to a life of harmony.
And they emanate from the subtle aura of the soul.

We embark on our sojourn to earth
With spots of red blood all over us.
Do they convey an unread message too?
The blue skies and deep ocean symbolize a truthful vision.
Though the purple fruits of distress hit us quite often
Green leaves and trees show us the hope of eternal life
Orange flowers, lend us strength and endurance
The yellow sun that shines signifies honour and loyalty
And the black terrain connotes the ultimate end.

Life’s premise is not much complicated.
Though it commences with a threat through blood
And concludes with embellished naught,
Transition of colours from red to black
Epitomise our journey of life.
What a radiant life we have got to live!

This is my contribution to sulekha.com's Express Yourself contest.

Reminiscences

2008-04-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

The detailed narration of my parents informing me about the recent visit they made to my birth place and the news they brought about my childhood friends made me feel nostalgic. I was very glad to learn that my parents walked through the lanes of that road where I had spent most of the evening hours after school. It was a small lane that consisted of 10 houses. I was always seen with my friends on that lane and never inside the house. It was all play and play for me and studies were considered so insignificant. I remember the names of all the friends with whom I played. I enquired about each one of them to my parents and they had accumulated data for me and supplied me with information about most of them. I was so happy to hear about them. I wonder if those friends of mine will ever remember me like how I remember them!

I vividly remember every single thing about the house I was born and lived in for almost 12 years. The number of that house was 1-D. It was a wonderful big villa. We were proud to have the biggest house in that lane. We had a huge portico that could easily accommodate 2 cars but unfortunately, we had none. I used to play all kinds of games in that huge porch. From cricket to badminton, my friends and I had played n number of games there.

There were 3 small steps to lead us to the house. Even those steps were not spared. We had played “In the pond, on the bank” game with the help of those little steps. The steps led to a small sitting area. That room is also filled with memories of several card games that I had played with my friends. Most of my friends have entered only up to that room. That room had few bamboo chairs and an ancient sofa to accommodate visitors. It had a table fan (we still have that table fan in my house) that produces more sound than breeze. If I think of that room, the smell of tortoise mosquito coil lingers in my mind since we had always burnt the mosquito coil in that room due to the intense attack of mosquitoes. Thanks to the Lord for not having introduced the disease called ‘Chickungunya’ at that time, else we would all have died due to that.

To the immediate right of that room, there was a bed room that my Mom and Dad used. It was a nice airy and spacious room that had an inbuilt cupboard and a bed. It also had a table and a chair for me and my sister to study and I also remember a physics master coming and taking tuition for my sister in that room.

The house had a big hall in which we had a sofa and a TV. As I visualize that room, I see my late Grand Mother, my late aunt, and my cousin Radhika watching TV. It was a period when we had no other channels other than Doordarshan. My Grand Mother never missed a single programme in the TV. Poor lady! She had no other means to spend her time! There was another bedroom by the side of the hall where my sister and I used to sleep.

We also had a dining room (believe me, we still have that dining table with us) that had a wash basin too. We had a kitchen and a puja room on either sides of the dining hall. I remember that kitchen very well. I began learning to cook in that kitchen. I also remember having visited the puja room – not quite often but certainly on occasions and during my exams and most importantly on those days when my results were to be announced. The dining room led to a passage where there was a bathroom and a toilet. There was a time when nearly 10 people stayed in that house and shared the same bathroom and toilet!! Absolutely unimaginable!

On the backyard, we had ancient grinding stones used to grind batter for our traditional breakfast - idli and dosa. We had a well that had sufficient water compared to our neighbours’. We also had a stone – somewhat higher in size that was used for washing clothes. On those days when our servant maid doesn’t turn up, my cousin used to hum songs as she washed the clothes. She was a good singer and she loved singing.

The servant maid we had was a beautiful lady in her early 20s. She used to try different hair styles with my hair to suit the modern day trend. She loved to talk about film stars and movies and she used to dress up pretty well. She can undoubtedly be fit to replace any of the contemporary actresses since she had excellent features and the desire to get dressed well. I cannot forget her at all!

That house of ours was a compounded house with trees on all the three sides. We had lots of flower bearing trees, fruit bearing trees and many small plants too. I had climbed the mango tree in our backyard and have jumped down from heights. The compound wall that separated ours from the next house was a narrow one and I still remember how quickly I used to show my acrobatics and run on that narrow wall! Gosh! I am scared to even think about it now!

My friends and I used to have chat sessions sometimes on the compound wall, sometimes on the road, sometimes on the terrace (we had an open terrace before we constructed a house) and sometimes near the gate. I used to enjoy those moonlit evenings that we spent with our friends during power cuts.

We had rented the first floor of our villa to a couple. They were such a lovable pair who used to join us in having fun. The man – ‘Anna’ as I used to call him was such a lively character who would crack jokes without laughing and we all would have a hearty laugh at all his jokes. I spoke to him a day back i.e., after nearly 13 years!! He sounded just the same and I was very happy to talk to him.

Wow! What a wonderful trouble free period were those! Everything I think about that place is associated with some people known to me. Friends create memories. Our hearts keep them alive. Mind rewinds them and give us a pleasurable experience worthy of a lifetime treasure!

I would say that I had always been fortunate in having a wide circle of quality friends around me. Friends had always been helpful and loving to me and I am highly thankful to the Almighty for having provided me with such a blessed life surrounded with nice people. This piece of writing is the result of a quick rewinding. I can write a chapter about each one of my friends and the place where I spent most of my childhood. I wish to do that before I lay to death.

Locked in!

2008-04-22T02:45:00.000-07:00

Busy was I at that part of the night
when even fireflies had gone to rest,
as I tried to locate the traces of his foot

I sat down indiscreetly – I don’t know where
I have no clue as to how long I should wait
Maybe even indefinitely.

I am sure he has gone and will never return
Will he ever recall his silence-
his silence of word and action?

Shamelessly I proclaimed my love for him
Neither did I know how to discern
between shame and pride in true love.

I covered my pale face with my palm and cried
My world seemed bleak behind those closed eyes
I have lost him! I have lost him!

My tryst with him has ended
It has come to a nasty finish
How could he let me go through this pain?

The entire episode was like a hallucination
A brief period of boundless joy followed by
a never ending path of failure and distress

I envisaged myriad images of his eyes.
He is physically not present with me but
is he dwelling in my stellar world?

Dear, do not come back to me
out of mercy or pity. Come to me
if you love me, else prolong your endless silence.

But he will continue to remain within me
until I shed my last drop of blood.
Trust this to be a painless punishment for him.

Kill me not with silence

2008-04-22T02:41:00.000-07:00

He is still silent! I went
through the narrow lanes of his heart
towards the dense forest of pain
to know the reason for his silence.

Love is nefarious
Having consumed the venom of love
I deserve to be disillusioned
Kill me O love! Kill me!

Withdraw your silence my dear!
My senses have lost all their power
Revive them with your golden words but
kill me if I don’t earn to be heard from you.

Before I lay in the pyre
I hope to hear from your lips
Your silence is sharper than the sword
So kill me with words rather than with silence!

Seconds by seconds
Minute by minute
My life is becoming lesser
Forget it not my dear! Speak before I die!!

Love - A pleasurable pain

2008-03-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

As she locked her car and walked towards the coffee shop, she saw him. She was shocked for a moment. It has been a year since she met him. She thought he had left the country. She couldn’t believe her eyes. For a moment she thought if she had a mistaken identity but how can her eyes forget the glances that they two exchanged! It was him. Certainly him!

After seconds of hesitation she asked him, “How are you?”
He said, “I am fine.” He then asked, “How are you?”
She did not answer to that question. Instead she asked, “When did you come here?”
He said, “A month back.”
He asked, “How is your husband?”
She preferred not to answer to that as well. She looked at her watch and said, “I am sorry. I have come here to meet a prospect. I am already late. Shall we meet sometime later?”
“Give me your number”, he demanded.
She was hesitant. She said, “I am very sorry. If you can wait here, I will come back and give it to you. I am very late.”

She fled from the scene. She did not wait for him to answer. She knew how to evade from his eyes even if he stood waiting there for her. She did not have any meeting with a prospect there. She had left her sun glasses and a set of keys a few hours back in the coffee shop. She called and confirmed that they were there before she came to collect them. She met the guy in charge of the coffee shop, showed her identity and narrated about the phone call she had with one of the guys to confirm that her stuff were there and finally got them in her hand. She silently peeped from the window to check if he was still waiting there. She could not find him. Something told her that he would still be waiting. She moved her eyes a little far away towards the parking lot. She glanced at every single man possible but none of them matched his identities. She thought it the right time to leave the shop and vanish. She put on her sun glasses and walked out of the coffee shop. To her dismay, he was standing right in front of the door of the coffee shop. He smiled at her. She smiled back sheepishly. He asked, “Met your prospect?”
She paused and then said, “He was in a meeting. My appointment was rescheduled.”
He asked in wonderment, “So soon?”
She did not utter a word. She always knew that he understood her very well. Either her facial expressions and gestures were so very obvious or he was a very good guesser.
He continued, “So you are trying to forget me is it?”
She bent her head down and said, “Do you think I can?”
“Yes you can. You have extra ordinary will power. If I remain out of your sight, you will forget me. I know that. You can overcome any tribulation.”
“Stop it. I am not here to listen to this stuff. I got to go.”
“Then go”, he said politely.
But she did not make a move. She began to cry. She did not want to cry but it was beyond her control.
He said, “Come. Get into my car now.”
She asked wiping her tears from her eyes, “Where?”
“We need to talk.”
“I thought it is all over.”
“Let us talk about what happened during the past one year in each other’s life.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“Fine! But I have lots to tell. Come let’s go.”

She followed him to his car. He has something in him that she listens to him. She did not know what it was. That was his strength.

He started his car and began driving through those busy roads as though he had always been there.

He said, “I missed you.”

She looked at him for a moment with such disbelief and anger and then removed her eyes away from him.

“I saw hatred in your eyes when I said that”, he said

She did not answer.

He said, “When I got an offer again, I instantly accepted it since I thought it would be an opportunity to meet you and soon after landing here I tried calling your number. It didn’t work. You have changed your number is it?”
She said, “hmmm”

He took her to a place which was not unfamiliar to the two. He drove through the grass lands and went towards the direction of the cottage. When she noticed where he was going, she stopped him, “Where are you taking me?”
“To the same old place.”
“No. I am not coming. I want to go now”, she screamed.
He immediately hit the brakes and asked her, “What is wrong with you?”
“Nothing is wrong with me. I do not want to come with you. Drop me near my car and let me go.”
“I just want to talk with you.”
“What if I don’t want to listen to it?”
“I know you want to listen to it.”
“I am not the same old person whom you cheated a year ago. I have changed. I am trying to get over those painful episodes. Please leave me.”
“Have I ever forced you to do something?”
“No. But please leave me back. I don’t want to talk to you any more.”

He paused for a couple of minutes. He then drove back when he knew that her mind cannot be changed. He dropped her at the same place from where he picked her up. She was crying throughout. When they reached the place, she got down rapidly without uttering a word and ran to her car, got into it and disappeared.

She drove home. Her son was playing in the garden. He was happy to see her back from work so early. He ran to her and hugged her. She too hugged him close. She was crying and she wanted a bolster. Her son asked, “Mom, are you crying?”
“No dear. Just that something fell into my eyes. You play. Let Mom take some rest. Is that ok?”
“Ok. But will you take me to the park now?”
“Not now. But certainly today.”
“Thanks Mom!” said the boy and ran to play again.

She ran to her room, switched her mobile off and cried to her heart’s content. She thought of those lovely days that she spent with him. She thought about the happy thoughts the two shared. She thought about all the secret moments that she enjoyed with him. She then thought about the day when the two sneaked towards that cottage and enjoyed being each other’s slave. Yes, for a day she was unfaithful to her husband.

She also thought about those distressing moments when he began avoiding her little by little by telling how bad it is to continue the relationship and how dangerous it could be. She knew she was wrong. But the love that she had for this man was spontaneous and so over powering that her husband was thrown to the back seat. The pleasure that she derived for some days turned into venom as he began avoiding her. He did not have the same love that she had towards him. The heat of passion subsided. She recovered from her mistakes. She cried for almost 6 months. She then came to know that he left the country. She thought that it was a boon in one way since she will not be prompted to call him and speak to him and thus incur pain. She had no means to reach him. He too did not drop down his address to her and that by itself meant that he was not interested in her any more. It pained her a lot. A lot! She went through a hell! Now that he had come again! She did not want to be tormented. She was now very strong. She knew she cannot be lured again. She gained confidence. He was a fascinating lover. She still held sweet thoughts about him but did not want to face the humiliation that she went through sometime back. She felt that avoiding him would be better than falling into his trap once again. Within moments she changed off her clothes and got ready to take her son out to the park. She still loved him though.

Pleasure is followed by pain and pain is followed by pleasure. For some pain is pleasure and for some pleasure could be painful. Sometimes they go hand in hand. All said and done, love is eternal. There can be no obstacle to stop love from being developed. Love cannot be contained. It oozes out automatically. Love may always be associated with pain but the pleasure that it once gave or the hope that it will give some pleasure some day or the other is the key strength of love. A lover may cheat but the love remains true. A lover may go back saying that it is all over but it once was there and the truth that it was pleasurable ever remains to be true. Love, even if expressed just once will never be forgotten. It is pleasure and pain. It could be a lovely feeling!

A Holiday

2008-03-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

I borrowed a magazine from a public library this evening that happened to be a holiday special edition. What does a holiday mean to most of the people around the world? When it comes to a holiday for two, expectations increase based on the climate of the proposed place of visit. It is usually weeks of non-stop passionate love making, hand-in-hand strolls among moonlit beaches, sun-bathing, long drives, spa, massages, relaxation, shopping, candle-light dinners, dances and intense, up-all night conversations.

When I read this, I was reminded of the holidays that I had spent in my life so far and how different were they from the ones mentioned above. I grew up as a normal Indian in South India and lived there for nearly 23 years. If I think of the holidays that I had spent prior to my wedding, it was all fun (in a different way though)! Since my parents were working, we had very few days in a year to be spent on a vacation. My Mother always availed her Leave Travel Concession that she was eligible for and had taken us to Bombay several times. Ever since my childhood we have been visiting that place. The reason for choosing Bombay was mainly because my Mother’s 2 sisters and 1 brother stayed there. If we had planned any other location, we would be able to see only a family or two. This worked far more lucrative for us. Vacation for any average Indian means visiting relatives, holy or religious places and a bit of sight seeing. My parents were hardly together even on a vacation. My Father used to be called for work even during vacation and most of the times he had traveled back alone leaving behind my Mom, my sister and me. My Mother relaxes by gossiping about family matters with her siblings and derives pleasure out of it. This is a welcome change to my Mother’s monotonous and stressful work routine. My sister and I had enjoyed our moments with our cousins. We had cousins there more or less in the same age group and that way we had some fun. Towards the end of our vacation, we do a bit of shopping, a visit to few of the famous temples there, a night or two dinners outside and of course a visit to a zoo or museum or any place of some significance to keep us entertained.

On those times when we skipped Bombay, we had visited my Mother’s native place in rural interior Tamil Nadu and had also visited temples in and around those areas quite often. Tamil Nadu in particular is a land of Temples and most of the temples have a unique history of its own and also the architecture is fabulous. Some temples are made out of one single rock and are yet massive. Some temples are known for its beautiful piece of drawings on the roof depicting the culture of those times. Some are constructed with such planning that the beauty of the structure is well revealed. The history behind the construction of every temple and the significance of the deities present in those temples are exceptional. Visitors from all over the world pay a visit to Indian temples. We, being in close proximity to those temples, have made innumerable visits to them. I was born in a family that believes in such visits to temples bring in inner peace and purity and hence we have visited lots of temples. I was very young then. Though I was proud of the vast and rich heritage of Indian temples and the unique history those temples recorded, I still would have personally preferred to go to any location that would interest me.

Sometimes, to attend such special poojas or events at the temple, we need to wake up at 3.30 or 4 in the morning, have bath, and dress up in traditional dresses and rush to stand in the queue to collect tokens or whatever. We skip our breakfast and stand in the scorching heat of mid May in queues to wait for our turn to visit the deity and offer our prayers. By the time, we are back after all these; it would be nearly 8 or 9 in the morning. We then hunt for restaurants that offer good food and then feed our stomach. Honestly, though I believe in the conventional form of worshipping, I cannot afford to starve in the morning after a bath. I never had the guts to talk about my hunger when the rest of them hardly talk about their stomach. Looking back at it now, I feel that our journey had never been pleasant and enjoyable. It had always been tedious since the time span would be short and the distance to be covered would be enormous. The general Indian attitude is to make full use of the money spent for vacation by visiting all the places of significant importance there. Not much consideration is given to personal relaxation or happiness.

In my normal school days, I get up at 7 and during vacation, it is much earlier! Our vacation was planned only by my parents and they wanted it to be the way that suited their time and hence we had to follow suit. We were not asked where we should go for a vacation. We were not asked how we intend to spend it. We simply accompanied them. Vacation was lot more stressful to me and my sister and I preferred to be at home rather than a tight scheduled vacation that was hardly interesting! That way, I lost all my interest in traveling since I had the least idea of what kind of pleasure a travel can give, when it is suited to our requirements. Will I have a holiday different from the ones I had so far? Can a holiday be interesting too? I think that the right company, the right season and the right place could be lot more relaxing than we can ever imagine. I am looking forward to spending my time shortly on a brief vacation which I was not initially interested in but now I feel that I can decide how to spend it the way I really want to since I now have every liberty to choose what I want to do in a vacation. Though I am going to be accompanied by my husband, I do not think he would restrict the way I want to enjoy. He hardly sees me enjoy a holiday so he would only be happy to see me enjoy. For the first time, the thought of a holiday is bringing in pleasure to me.

It could be because it is going to be a holiday from my routine work, a holiday from children and a holiday from house keeping. I love reading. I will read my favourite book in a much desired location for n number of hours without any disturbance. I wish to write my heart’s content in a place filled with scenic beauty. I will feast my eyes with things that I cannot normally treat it with! I will do anything that I like. I will do anything that I haven’t tried before! I will do anything that I haven’t done for long! Will I? Will let you know soon!!!

Awaiting my next life....

2008-03-18T01:30:00.000-07:00

Here I am smiling
As I depart from this wretched body
That is completely burnt
By the blazing flames

He blindfolded my eyes
And slit my tongue
Tied up my hands and legs
And threw me into the fire

I couldn’t see the flames
Neither could I scream for help
Nor could I free myself from this.
I simply had to go through the pain

Since I respected his decisions and
Honoured his words,
I enjoyed the burns

After all, he sent me into it!

I am not sure if he loved me
But here I have proved that I love him
I am happily waiting for my next life
Only to meet him!

Waiting to fall in love with him once again
Waiting to embrace him
Waiting to kiss him
Waiting to surrender to him.

All that was impossible in my last life
Will be fulfilled in my new life
Provided he doesn’t send me to fire again!
Awaiting my next life……

Love is sometimes....

2008-03-16T05:44:00.001-07:00

Too close yet very far
Too desirous yet dangerous

Too sweet yet venomous
Too tempting yet repellant

Too blind yet alert
Too sensitive yet indifferent

Too meaningful yet baseless
Too clear yet vague

Too obvious yet pensive
Too pleasurable yet uncomfortable

Too strange yet absolute!!!

The Jinx of Solitude

2008-03-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

I am alone
Lost and lonely
Walking through the roads of solitude
In search of nothing
But wishing every second to attain the inaccessible you.

I am alone
Lost and lonely
Turning back every other minute
But nobody is following me
Not even my own shadow!

I am alone
Lost and lonely
Love created all the magic
And took it away as it disappeared
Leaving me in twinge.

I am alone
Lost and lonely
What can make my life appealing?
You were not a thing in my life
To get you replaced!

I am alone
Lost and lonely
Isolated and abandoned.
Having experienced your love
No other forms of love seem true to me.

I am alone
Lost and lonely
Youth snatched the glow in my face
Time grabbed the charm and elegance
You seized all that was remaining.

I am alone
Lost and lonely
Carrying nothing with me
Other than those sweet old memories
That I shared with you.

I am alone
Lost and lonely.
I am alone
Lost and lonely.

Flame of Love

2008-03-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

The fire of your caress is still not extinguished.
The power of your eyes is still not forgotten.

The wetness in my cheek has still not vanished.
The warmth of your hands has still not disappeared.

The feel of your lips is still not expunged.
The tears in my eyes have still not dehydrated.

The influence of your words is still not discarded.
The command of your voice is still not eliminated.

The strength of your actions is still not erased.
The palpitation of my heart is still not subdued.

The sorrow of your departure is still not digested.
The supremacy of my love for you can never be exterminated.

This is what you are!

2008-03-10T12:35:00.001-07:00

You are my joy
You are my sorrow

You are my strength
You are my weakness

You are my smile
You are my tears

You are my thoughts
You are my calmness

You are my success
You are my failure

You are my nectar
You are my poison

You are my breeze
You are my storm

You are my love
You are my loss.

Pigeon's cries on a Friday

2008-03-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

Oh Mistress of the house!
Envy not at me
I have nothing that you have
Except that I can fly.

Flying is not enjoyable at all!
It is very tiring
And extremely exhausting
To go in search of food.

Sometimes I spot some food from above
And by the time I land
My brothers finish them off
Leaving a morsel or two for me.

Sometimes I prefer walking around
So that I can grab food the moment I see it
But unfortunately, I am shooed away by your brothers
In fear for my life, I am forced to fly away.

I have no occasions to celebrate
Every day is the same as the previous day
No Christmas, no New Years
No Birthdays, not even week ends!

I have no taste buds
I have no sense to identify food;
Good or bad; hot or cold.
Serve me anything and I am happy.

I saw food waiting for me everyday on your kitchen window
I was glad that there is somebody to care for me
I gathered my family members one day
To share about this secret.

It somehow reached the ears of many other birds
That we all began fighting for the little food your offer
I was happy that you understood our problem
And began sharing larger portions of your food!

But Madam Friday is your week end and not mine!
Do you want to know what do I go through every Fridays?
Some Fridays I wait for a longer time,
Some Fridays I am simply forgotten,
Some Fridays I am served something different,
Some Fridays I just fly back losing patience.

It may look a bit too much for you,
But may I request you something?
Can you offer me food everyday at the same time?
I understand that you rejoice and have fun on Fridays
Try sharing your happiness on weekends with me
By offering anything that you can spare for me!

Oh My Dear Mr. Burning Sun!

2008-03-09T05:37:00.000-07:00

Oh my dear mighty ball of fire
That appears to me like a brave man!
Fearlessly rising and setting
Unmindful of the happenings around!

Did I fall for your bright face?
Or for your golden rays?
Or for your shining grace?
Or for your cosmic embrace?

Though I am aware of your eternal presence in the world
Only recently did I realize how overpowering you are
Sleeplessly I am waiting for every new day to begin
To watch you rise up, shine on me and then fade away

However powerful your gaze may be,
I still refuse to shrink my eyes off your stare.
Least am I affected by your scorching heat,
‘Coz I thoroughly enjoy your warmth on me.

I am hardly concerned that you will tan my skin off
‘Coz I am already brown.
I am not bothered that you will dry me away,
‘Coz I am already withered every night.

I am aware that you are far beyond my reach.
I realize how happy you are in your own galaxy.
I also know that you cannot come to me and
I too have no ladder high enough to attain you.

I know how important you are to this world
Even a day’s off will interrupt the entire universe!
From the tiny seed to the mighty ocean
Every action requires your attention.

At night time when the world is sleeping
You are still working though not in my arena
So when is the time that we will get to meet?
Oh my dear busy lover?

But I am desperate to contact you
And express my admiration for you.
When nobody can afford to miss you
Am I not crazy to thrust a soulful love upon you?

You have become absolutely unreachable
Even with the latest inventions of technology.
Neither can I text you nor can I phone you
How do you think I can ever achieve you?

Let me ask you if we will ever meet?
Will I ever touch you?
Will you ever acknowledge my love?
Do you have many more petitions like this? Tell me honestly, you fiery Sun!

What answer have you for this creature
Who has soft feelings for a blazing thing like you?
Why don’t you darken the cosmos for a day?
And come personified to secretly kiss me?

Waiting for a New Dawn

2008-03-09T05:36:00.000-07:00

Waiting for the sun to rise
Waiting to see and hear
Waiting for clarity in thoughts
Waiting for the decisions

Waiting to know about the future
Waiting to understand the truth
Waiting to remove the burden
Waiting to be bolstered

Waiting for a new beginning
Waiting for a brighter verve
Waiting to maintain a steady mind
Waiting for those last moments.

Tough Decisions

2008-03-09T05:35:00.000-07:00

Approached him with a query
Requested him for a solution
He provided me with an option
To choose between -
Suicide and Murder;
Burying and Cremating;
Conspiring and Plotting;
Smuggling and Burglary;
Treason and Trespassing;
Drugs and Poison.
What should I choose!

A Converstaion Within

2008-03-09T05:33:00.000-07:00

I asked him “Who are you?”
He said “Ask yourself”.

I asked him “Where are you?”
He said, “In everything that you perceive; in everything that you touch; in every breath you take and leave.”

I asked him, “How will you be like?”
He said, “I have no form or shape. I am within you whether you realize it or not.”

I asked him, “Why have you come into me?”
He said, “I didn’t come now. I am ever there.”

I asked him, “Then why did I feel you only now and not earlier?”
He said, “It has got to do something with time. I have no answer to this.”

I asked him, “Can I see you?”
He said, “You already are.”

I told him, “But I want to see you in person.”
He said, “Treat that I am within every person you come across”.

I asked him, “How is that possible? Since I have started realizing that you are within me, knowingly or unknowingly I have begun to like you. But I do not like every person I come across!”
He said, “Exactly. I want you to love every person you come across just like you do me”.

I said, “That isn’t possible. I cannot love everybody. I am not God!”
He said, “God is love and I am love. So you are God!”

I wish I could forget

2008-03-09T05:31:00.000-07:00

Wish to forget your eyes that shine
Wish to forget your heart so kind.

Wish to forget your charming face
Wish to forget your loving embrace.

Wish to forget your caressing words
Wish to forget those soft whispers.

Wish to forget those lovely days
Wish to forget your fiery gaze.

Wish to forget my feelings for you
Wish to forget my emotions subdued.

Wish to forget your stare that night
Wish to forget your kiss with fright.

Wish to forget our silent love
Wish to forget them all just now!

Wonder why forgetting seems so complex
Especially when it involves you!

Marriage - An Analysis

2008-03-09T05:29:00.000-07:00

It is said and believed that matches are made in heaven. Yes, initial days of marriage make us feel so. We literally believe ourselves to be a Princess and we accept our man to be a Prince who we believe will take us to a Fairy Land where life will be a bed of roses. Soon we come down to reality and start behaving as normal couples. The euphoria of a new marriage lasts for a very short period. One year? Two years? Three years? Or until a child is born? Well, it depends. I personally know of a couple who love each other so much that they retain the same fresh and fond feeling of love for each other even today. They must have been married for more than 4 years now and are proud parents of 2 sons! They interact everyday and share the day’s events vividly and exchange opinions / suggestions. She does not do anything that her husband dislikes and vice versa. I am happy that she is still contented with her marriage. This case is an exception though.

But what is the case like in most of the marriages?I read from an US newspaper about a celebrity who divorced his wife. He said, “We have no common interest and we do not want to be with each other any more”. This person has been married for 11 years and has 3 kids – 2 sons and a daughter. It took such a long time for them to realize that they have no common interest? Though I fully understand that it will take a life time to understand a person, I still believe that it is easier to identify if we can really get along well with a person or not. Is it not? I am reminded of a joke that I came across recently where an eighty year old woman approaches an advocate to file for divorce with her 84 year old husband. The advocate was so shocked to see an eighty year old woman applying for a divorce and hence asked her, “Madam, do you want to file divorce at this age?”, to which the woman answered, “Yes. Enough is enough”. Well, intolerance can occur even in eighties!

Let me now take the case of a conventional Indian couple having differences of opinion. Here I wish to emphasize “Conventional”! They somehow try to fix up issues and make sure the society living around gets no clue of the quarrel that they hold against each other. The level of tolerance is higher in this case and hence the marriage survives. But it is true that they simply compromise and stay with each other. They agree to stay together just because they do not want to cause inconvenience to their children. But it is also true that we eventually get used to the temperament of our spouse and start accepting them as they are and discover joy in it.

The tolerance level of today’s people is very low that acceptance becomes very difficult. They believe that divorce is an option and hence opt for it and sometimes re-marry in hope of getting what they really are looking for. The second marriage in that case would be a big compromise. Many cultures approve of this idea since they hold that a life should be lived as per one’s whims and fancies. They claim that a marriage can be dissolved if the couple is not happy with each other. There is no need to cling on to the bond of marriage by compromising. Law has resources to help such people.

A popular South Indian Film Star recently divorced his wife with whom he has a 20 year old daughter. The daughter publicly announces that the decision made by her parents is an ideal one. She also added that when there is a provision called divorce, why should they ever compromise? Well, this is a justifiable answer though. The reason for divorce need not be incompatibility in this case since that will not be identified after many years of marriage. Well, some people wait for their children to get settled before they could opt for divorce. That is also possible since most of them do not want their children’s life to be spoilt as a result of their selfishness.

In most of the cases, the reason for divorce could only be a fascination towards another male or female as the case may be to whom they get attracted unknowingly and feel the intense desire of getting married to that person. But I honestly believe that there is a pleasure in accepting each other and living a life for each other rather than searching for something which could be temporary. Any kind of attraction towards a person outside of marriage may be tempting but peace is present only within the boundaries of marriage. Marriages are by and large a big compromise.

Tale as old as time

2008-03-09T05:27:00.000-07:00

The recent movies I had watched dealt mostly with romance, relationships, violence and crazy humours. For a change, yesterday I watched Walt Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” along with my daughters. It was a feast to my eyes. What a tale of thorough enchantment it was! Magical world, illusionary characters, imaginary castles, dreams, miraculous events, jinx of a witch, hex of the characters! The latest technologies combined with animations have made this 90 minutes movie the most enthralling experience one would ever have in life.

The story as such is a slight modification from the original version of “Beauty and The Beast”. They have probably tailored to suit the available technologies. The story in brief is as follows. A curse has been cast on a Prince living in a huge castle for having refused to give shelter to an ugly looking old beggar woman who had only a rose to offer to him. The woman remarked that one should not go by looks and that he will learn it soon. Immediately, the woman sheds her form and takes the appearance of a beautiful Princess and the Prince gets transformed into the figure of an ugly looking beast who is cursed to retain the form until he wins the love of a woman before his 21st year. The Beast confines himself in the huge castle. Because of no exposure with the outside world, he gains beastly characteristics along with the form. Belle (Beauty) enters the castle as a prisoner to save her Father who was detained by the Beast. The Beast falls in love with Belle instantly hoping that she can help him shed his ugly looking form. How he wins her love and how she transforms his beastly nature into accepted human behaviour is the story all about.

The expressions, though animations brought about by the Beast were so moving that all the three of us, literally shed tears. The Beast’s restlessness in trying to understand a woman, his keenness in finding out her likes and dislikes, his helplessness in yielding to all her likes, his expression of his love towards Belle by surprising her with a hall of books were indeed awesome. Belle’s typical lady attitude is beautifully depicted with lots of fuss in the beginning and loads of love in the end. The added innovation in this movie is that every inanimate thing in the castle like candle stick, alarm clock, tea pots, cups, cutleries and cupboards were able to communicate with each other and when the Beast’s spell was broken, they too become human. That was incredible!

In a world where human beings struggle a lot to hide their personal worries by portraying themselves to be a different person in a commercial movie, these kinds of Fairy Tales are lot more relaxing and much more convincing because they are flawless. Where it involves human beings, it requires enough number of rehearsals to make it appear unblemished in the end. The comments of the viewers may not always satisfy the performer. To enjoy a good movie, to entertain yourself thoroughly, one should watch such kind of movies which take you to a fairy land where the world is so enchanting, impressive, luxurious, magnificent, outstanding and grand and what not!! Believe me, it is a movie worth watching though it is a tale as old as time and has songs as old as rhyme!

Oh Dear Wind!

2008-03-09T05:25:00.000-07:00

Oh turbulent wind!
Why haven’t you shown your power on me yet?
Is it because I have just bloomed?
I have been told when I was a bud that you are so ghastly
That if you wish you can, with your force, wither me down in seconds.
But why have you been so caring and kind to me
That I merrily sing and dance to your tunes?

Oh gentle wind!
Why haven’t you swayed on me for a long time now?
Is it because you no more love me?
I have heard of several flowers falling in love with you
And that you are the most fancied lover of a flower!
I have now started missing you
That I am singing melancholy!

Oh loving wind!
Why don’t you answer me yet?
Don’t you have feelings for me?
Am I just another flower to you?
Don’t you understand how special you are to me?
I can see the gardener coming to pluck me away!
My life is short and my destiny unknown
Help me out dear wind!
I do not want to adorn the bride as a garland
I do not want to lie as a wreath on a funeral
I just want to feel your breeze once more.
Sway on me my dear before I lose my life!

Withering Crimsons

2008-03-09T05:24:00.000-07:00

Test not my patience
Play not with my emotions
Kill not with your silence
Ignore not my passion.

Teach not new lesson
Suggest not an option
Give not unique reason
Make me not feel sicken.

Feed not slow poison
Make not my heart weaken
Reveal not a heart barren
Please do not dishearten.

The Doldrums

2008-03-09T05:20:00.000-07:00

What rules over us?
Why do we prefer to remain silent on some occasions?
don’t we carry the same temperament everyday?
What decides how we are going to behave each moment of the day?

With such ambiguity we lead our life! Once when I was in class 11, one Mr. Bernard who was a lecturer in one of the colleges in our town, gave us a brief speech on “Self Analysis”. It was a very simple and thought provoking lecture. He began with a formal introduction and soon touched the topic. He asked every one of us to remove a piece of paper. He asked us how long will it take for us to write 6 words. With great pride, all of us announced that it will take not more than 15 seconds. He was happy with the answer and asked us to write just six words – 3 good quality of ours and 3 bad qualities. We all were puzzled. For the first few seconds we all giggled over this surprising assignment. The next few seconds we thought over our good qualities. Some of them could manage to write at least one. But most of them began with bad qualities since it came out spontaneously. In fact, it exceeded the limit of 3 words.

Soon, the time limit allotted was over. He asked us if we all finished. We asked for extra time and he gave. But still I could not finish and I knew that some of my friends could not finish it too.

He asked us to retain the paper with us. He then began, “How many of you could finish them?”A hand full of students raised their hands up. He asked if any of them can get up and read them out aloud. One boy who was much younger to us got up instantly and proudly declared that his good qualities were – studying well, helping his brother in studies and running errands for his Mom and Dad. Unknowingly, we all began to clap hands. We were not able to identify our good quality which a young boy was easily able to. We were supposed to be the eldest group of students available for the lecture that day. Some of them had penned down their good qualities but were shy to write it down thinking of what others would think of them.

Mr. Bernard appreciated the boy and did not let him say the 3 bad qualities that he had written down. Well, that was not his concern. He did not come to identify the faults of each of us and suggest remedies to get rid of them. He had come there only to identify ourselves first before we begin to look at the world around.

He was so happy that at least one boy could boldly get up and speak out all about his characteristics. He turned towards us and asked us the reason why we were not able to write. We gave him no answer. He asked us if we have not understood ourselves. Well, that was true. We had not spent time to find out our best feature. We were ashamed of ourselves.

The speech then went on very well with 100% concentration contributed by all. At the end of the speech, I discussed with my friends on the lectured topic and we all made up our mind to try and discover our strength and weakness. In fact we did. Further to that, we took up one more assignment of getting rid of the negative features that we had.

My negative feature on top was mood fluctuation. I was never constant. I am still inconsistent. I am not the same always. Later on I realized that this is not my problem alone. Most of us have this problem. We do not know what decides our mood. So many pleasant happenings would have taken place. Yet we would remain dull and gloomy. We would have also remained cheerful when there has been a crisis at home. What is the factor that decides our mood and temper? I have not been able to find it out till date. I had worked out on it on several occasions. I am pretty sure that before even I could go through an unpleasant episode, my mood remains dull. I have remained silent right from the moment I have got out from bed. Can I blame the dreams for it? I remain silent for some reason beyond my knowledge. I wish to be happy and interact with people but I would not be able to make a bold attempt. This saddens me day and night and all year through. Does any one of you have a solution to this? Or do you also belong to this category? What is it that is ruling over me and thousands of other people like me?

Just One Day Please....

2008-03-09T05:16:00.000-07:00

Oh God! Grant me just one boon. I plead not for riches and wealth. I ask not for health and longevity. I request you just one thing. I want to become a man for just ONE day. I have always envied men who lead their life as they wish. I wish to get myself transformed into a man for just one day. I promise that I will return back to my cocoon and deliver my duties soon after I am released out of my boon. If you would like to know what I wish to do if you convert me into a man, please read further.

I want to get up as late as possible and get out of the house as early as possible.
I want to demand my morning coffee and drink it leisurely as I turn the pages of the newspaper.
I want to use the bathroom as long as possible.
I want to drive a bike in full speed.
I want to get wet in rain as I ride my bike.
I want to give lift to pretty girls waiting for bus.
I want to brush my hair looking at the mirror of my bike.
I want to wear a dark sun glass and look at cute girls.
I want to propose to a girl in the most traditional way.
I want to flirt with as many girls as possible and walk away the moment they get serious.
I want to disconnect the phone when I know it is a call from my wife.
I want to go home as late as possible.
I want to have the exclusive ownership of the remote and change channels as I wish.
I want to take least notice of my wife’s whole day story at home when she describes her ordeals with home and children to me.
I want to demand the food I want to eat.
I want to talk to my friend in my cell phone unquestioningly and as long as I desire.
I want to just show my face and disappear when it comes to a function arranged by my wife’s family.
I want to invite as many friends as possible and ask my wife to cook for them.
I want to sleep undisturbed during week ends.
I want to make my wife believe that I am a teetotaler.
I want to smoke and drink to death.
I want to forget my wife’s birthday and our anniversary.
I want to freak out with friends by making my wife believe that I am out in a meeting.
I want to enjoy watching cricket with my friends.
I want to get all the privilege at home by making others believe that I have had a tough day at work.

Well my dear God! You do not know how nice it would be to be a man for a day since I need not do many things at home that I currently do. I would be enjoying absolute freedom. Do you wish to know what can I refrain from doing if I become a man? Here it goes –
I don’t have to think of what to cook for the family.
I don’t have to spend my time waking everybody up in the morning.
I don’t have to bathe my kids and get them ready to school.
I don’t have to feed them food.
I don’t have to keep their books in their bag according to their time table.
I don’t have to pack up lunch for all at home.
I don’t have to clean up the mess in the kitchen and the rest of the house.
I don’t have to list down the items required to be bought to manage the house.
I don’t have to wash the clothes, dry them up and fold and keep them in the closet.
I don’t have to iron the clothes.I don’t have to cook to fulfill everybody’s varying tastes
I don’t have to make my kids study and write.I don’t have to cry if somebody hurt my feelings.
I don’t have to solve disputes arising among my kids and my neighbors’ kids.
I don’t have to sleep late and get up early.

God! Your job was over when you created man and woman. But men have decided what a man should do and what a woman should do. They have restricted women and have allotted maximum privileges to themselves. Do I have the power to change the law and bring about a revolution? No. I don’t. Hence I give you two options – either change the law for us or grant me this boon for JUST ONE DAY please….

The Silent Trespasser

2008-03-09T05:15:00.000-07:00

Impassive visage she often displayed
Strong ethics she ever conveyed
Youth had just brushed her away
Leaving love and lust far away

Happened to meet him accidentally
Fell capitulated instantly
Began to love him silently
But he discovered it efficiently

Cherished his spontaneous humors
Ignored all the civic rumors
Inaugurated her life of laughter
And his heart she did capture

Once I saw her waiting for him
Dressed up pretty well and trim
With a heart filled with love up to brim
Gloriously singing only his hymn

He took his elegant stride
Gently moved towards her side
Looked at her seductive eyes
Replied to it by his charming guise

Moved aside her redolent locks
That partially covered her worthy gawks
Gave no room for laughs or talks
Lifted her and made his walk

Her strength and beliefs how
Melted at his feet below?
How powerful is love!
She realized only now

I wonder how she let him in her mind
And silently touch her heart refined
Trespassed into her life without being assigned
Her heart and soul in him thus entwined.

To My Valentine

2008-03-09T05:14:00.001-07:00

Wish to look at your eyes bright
Wish to hold your hands white
Wish to kiss your cheeks tight
Wish to sleep on your lap all night

Wish to talk to you for long
Wish to rest on your arms strong
Wish to make myself to you belong
Wish to reside in your heart life long.

Changing Emotions

2008-03-09T05:10:00.000-07:00

“Men may come and men may go but I go on forever” is a saying that I have heard many times. I never realized the in depth meaning this saying had until yesterday when I really pondered about the people I have met so far and what they really meant to me. I am basically a friend oriented person and I attach significant importance to all my friends. If I look back and think of all the friends I had ever come across right from my early childhood days, I should say that I had expressed different kinds of feelings for each one of them since they were unique and special in their own way. But at the same time, if you ask me “who is your best friend?” the answer would be the friend whom I made last.

Undoubtedly, at every point I had to part from every friend of mine, I had displayed a variety of emotions since I could not withstand the excruciating episode of parting. Initially, I made it a point to write to them, call them once in a way and somehow stay in touch with them. But at some stage the line of separation was profusely felt since I could not reach on to them the moment I really wanted to share something. I, as a result relied on the friend within the reachable limit to share my feelings. I believe that this is the case with many of us though we fail to fully accept the fact. Friends keep changing as we move further in our life. For that matter every unnamed relationship we come across changes with the passage of time. It doesn’t remain constant. The fond memories can still be cherished and enjoyed but I bet those moments can never be re-lived. When we tend to re-live, it might turn to be less interesting contrary to what it was at the moment it was being experienced.

If you analyze the stages of a man starting from his childhood, his taste has only been varying year by year. Every Mother is a child’s first mate. It takes a long time for a child to shift his companion from Mother to a friend. The pre-school friends are easily forgotten by the kids. That is the period when the child first stays away from his home. That transition period is not easily accommodated by every child. Probably that’s the reason why the pre-school teachers who virtually mother the children become the child’s next comrade. So making friends at that point would be the child’s last option unless and until the child is extremely versatile.

I wanted to make my children’s first days at school memorable and hence I have retained the photos taken in their pre-school and have written down the names of the other kids in the photo along with the teacher’s name. I often remove the photo and ask my daughters to identify the other children in the photograph. Earlier, they used to show keen interest whenever I showed the snap to them. But these days, they seem to show less interest in it. What I could clearly make out from this is that, priority changes for everybody including a child. Every person has changing interests. As an infant, we would love to cling on to our Mother. As a toddler, we love to walk and run around to explore the world. As a child, we would love to play with toys and friends. As a young child, we would love to play with video games , TV or drawing / painting and so on. As a teenager, we would love to hang around with friends and parties and dances. As a grown up adult, we would love to read or write or talk / gossip with friends of similar wave length. This is the period when a person truly realizes the value of friendship or a relationship. This is the moment when we get stabilized and look forward to doing something serious in our life. We build up our career, we develop friendship, we decide about our future.

It should be remembered that at no point of time until here, the loss of a friend would have seriously affected us. Relationships don’t really matter until this stage. But from then onwards, we more or less understand the world and think about serious relationships like marriage. We at this particular period are considered to be highly emotional and attach predominant importance to friendship and affairs.

Take the case of a love affair – we totally rely on the relationship and decide that life is baseless if we do not transform this relationship into a marriage. We believe that there is no other person in this world whom we will be able to love more than the person whom we loved at that moment. Sometimes the affair gets materialized in the form of a marriage and sometimes gets broken and results in a marriage with some other person. What I wish to say is that we believe that life is meaningless without a person but sooner or a little later we realize that life doesn’t stop on the loss of someone. Fully understanding this truth, we sometimes feel that some relationships are stirring enough that it takes much longer time to heal. Is it not?

Any relationship be it friendship or love ceases when it is destined to. Life keeps moving forward. Nobody is indispensable. Life continues until it has to stop.

Marvelous Mystery

2008-03-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

Early every morning as I wake my kids up, one of them always demands that I lie down with her for some time before she gets up. (The other one wants her Father to lie down with her for some time). Most of the days, I end up yielding to her request. Today was one such day when I laid down with her and whispered softly into her ears about the loads of work I had to do and how it is impossible for me to lie there with her for a longer time. Hence I requested her to get up and finish her chores quickly. More often than not, she gets up with such words of mine but today, she asked me a question that I least expected from her at that moment. She asked me, “Mama, please tell me how did I come here to this world?”

I was shocked for a moment. I tried to contemplate on the question that she asked and to finish the conversation quickly and to save the precious morning hours, I said, “You were sent to me by God.”
She did not stop there. She asked me, “Where was I before I was born and how did he send me to you?”
I said, “There are certain things that you will understand as you grow. All that you need to comprehend now is that you were sent by God to this earth. God blessed us both with you and your twin sister.”
She continued, “You once said I was born in a hospital. How did you know that I was in the hospital?”
How would I ever explain things to her? Why would I kill the innocence of a child? I simply said, “It is only with the help of doctors that kids can be born. God informed me that it is time to go to the hospital to get you both. I followed His orders and went to the hospital. That is all about it.”
She said, “Mama, but God never talks!”I was annoyed. I said in a harsher tone this time, “Swathi! Do you realize what time is it now? You better walk to the bathroom quickly and brush your teeth NOW. Rest of the questions can be asked once you come back from school. Is that clear?”
That was it. She got up and did her jobs much faster than usual.

Well, what was really wrong with what she asked? The world is a wonder to them. They need to know things only by interrogating. I had asked several question to my parents when I was a kid, who answered only some and ignored many. When my daughters raise questions to me, I feel that it is my duty to answer them by procuring data from all over the world if I don’t know the answer myself. But some questions like what she asked today really confuse me. How would I answer to her?
Some of the other questions that they had raised from time to time are as follows. Though I have answered many of them, I still am to answer quite a few of them. Here they go
Who found sky, trees, sun and the moon?
With what is a house made of?
When there are lots of river and ocean why is there a difficulty for water?
To which place does the sun go soon after it sets?
Why does the moon assume different shapes every day?
If you say moon is made of rocks don’t we have the fear that it may fall?
When a bounced ball comes back to us why don’t things like the sun, star and moon fall down?When and why does it rain?
When will my toy become real?
Who split one year into 12 months and who decided the number of days in each month?
Why there are so many languages?
Why do people die?
When I grow big, will you become small?
Will I become a boy once I grow up?
Who invented money?
Why should we work to get money?
Why did you marry?
Whom should I marry?
Why don’t you call a penguin an animal?
If God answers to prayers then why do people ever fall sick?

Though I have forgotten many of the questions that they asked, I managed to pen down at least a few so that they can join the fun as we read these questions after some years.It is indeed a lovely feeling to be a Mother and watch our kids grow. How inquisitive are they? How innocent are they? How honest are they? How wonderful are they? I wish I go back to their stage and learn everything all over again!

A Lovable Friend

2008-03-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

Embodiment of patience
Symbol of pure love
Epithet of kindness
Sobriquet of faithfulness
Incarnation of purity
Quintessence of humility
Personification of generosity
Epitome of magnanimity
Representation of clarity
Icon of reliability
Crest of divinity
Emblem of peace
Insignia of silence
Pinnacle of all virtues.

Am I not fortunate to have a friend who is a summary of the above?Thanks Padmaja for being with me forever.

Bouquet of Remembrance

2008-03-09T05:03:00.000-07:00

My mouth can be shut
My hands can be tied
Not my mind that
Linger in your thoughts.

You may erase my reminiscences
You may forget my fragrance
Not my memories that
May appear in your dreams.

Your photos can be deleted
Your videos can be destroyed
Not your image that
Is deeply engraved in my heart.

You may discard my feelings
You may disregard my emotions
But my words of love I believe
You will ever cherish.

Love, Lovelier, Loveliest Love

2008-03-09T05:01:00.000-07:00

Love pains
Love contains
Love blinds
Love maligns

Love relieves
Love bereaves
Love perceives
Love deceives

Love captives
Love capsizes
Love heals
Love appeals

Love retrieves
Love achieves
Love reads
Love succeeds

Love gives
Love forgives
Love receives
Love believes

Love creates
Love dictates
Love destroys
Love deploys

Love explains
Love sustains
Love submits
Love commits

Love separates
Love unites
Love rejuvenates
Love illuminates

Love is bliss
Never amiss.

Why Can't I Think Beyond HIm?

2008-03-09T04:59:00.000-07:00

Paused for a moment at the mirror
Glanced at HIS face very clear.
Gazed at the shimmering stars above
That held only his vision thorough.
Listened to the oft heard soft music
That seemed to be extremely melancholic.

He taught me to laugh and enjoy my life
But today he put my life in strife.
He educated me to live my passion
Won't he understand that he was my obsession?
Ask me not to define the relationship
‘Coz it ended even before the courtship.

What he meant to me I realized hardly
Until he refused to accept my feelings bluntly.
Yes, my love is lost and he is gone
From my mind and soul withdrawn.
Tell me why can’t I think beyond him?
When he can live life as per his whim?

Fulfilled Dream

2008-03-09T04:39:00.000-07:00

It was a cold winter night. It was time for the maid to leave. As she opened the door, she saw a tall man wearing a long coat standing in front of the door just about to knock at it. She looked inquisitively at him. He smiled at her and asked, “Does Grace live here?”
“Yes. She lives in this house.” She replied softly.
“I want to see her”, said the man.
“Can I know who you are?” asked the maid.
“Tell her that it is John.”
The maid was getting suspicious over the man. She asked the man to stay outside. She locked the door and rushed to Grace. Grace was almost about to doze when the maid ran to her up the stairs and said, “Madam, do you know a man named John?”
Grace squeezed her eyes open and said, “No. I don’t.”
“I guessed as much”, said the maid.
“Why what happened?” asked Grace curiously.
“A tall man with moustache and hat, with a cigar in his hand, who must be in his mid seventies, enquired about you and said he wants to meet you”, said the maid.
“Let him meet me Nancy.”Nancy paused.
“Are you scared?” asked Grace.
“Yes I am. You are alone here in this house and I am about to leave now. I am worried”, said Nancy.
“What can he get out of a 70 year old woman Nancy? Let me come down to meet him.”

Nancy helped Grace step down the stairs. Grace asked Nancy to open the door. John entered in. He came close to Grace. He looked at her from head to toe and asked delicately, “Are you well Grace?”
“Yes I am but…..” Grace paused.
“Don’t you remember me yet?” asked John.
Grace removed her glasses and went closer to John and squeezed her eyes to see him clearly. “I am sorry Sir. Did we know each other?” asked Grace softly.
“Grace! I never thought you could forget me” said John.
Grace felt bad for her weak memory but she was helpless. She said, “I am sorry Sir. But please have a seat.”

John sat down. Grace asked, “Can you tell me how you know me? Are you David’s relative?”
John put his hands into his coat and pulled out an envelope. He handed it over to Grace. Grace put on her glasses again to see what it is. Grace opened the cover and removed a photo – a photo of her and John taken 40 years back. She saw herself decked in a bright blue dress and John in a black suit. The photo was taken when the two were partying on John’s birthday. Tears accumulated into Grace’s eyes. She sat down near John and wept.
“How could I forget you? I am an absent minded old woman” cried Grace. Nancy came closer and asked Grace softly, “Madam is he known to you?”
“Yes Nancy. You may please leave. He is well known to me”, said Grace.
Nancy grabbed her bag and disappeared from the scene.Grace continued weeping. John went closer and comforted her.
Grace cried, “How could I forget you John?”
“That’s ok Grace. It has been many years since we met. Now we are old-very old”, said John comfortingly.
“How did you find my house?” asked Grace.
“Well, that was simple. I accidentally met your son few days back when I had been to his bank and when we had a lengthy conversation, I understood that he is your son. I wished I had met him long time back. I thought he must have told you about this”, narrated John.
“No he did not. He in fact called me today only to say that I am invited to the party that he is hosting tomorrow on the occasion of his 15th wedding anniversary”, said Grace.
“So you will be attending the party with him tomorrow?” asked John.
“Yes. I am leaving tomorrow with Nancy” said Grace. Grace continued, “Now tell me about you John. How is your wife? Where are your children?” asked Grace.
“Well, my wife is still with me. She is suffering from many illnesses like sugar, asthma, and what not? Old age issues! We have to live with it. My children are spread out in different parts of the world. I get reminded of them only on occasions when they call me without fail. They are all grown ups leading their own life. And mine is all over”, said John. A minute of silence passed. John continued, “I have come to fulfill one wish of yours.”
“What is that?” asked Grace curiously.
“When I met your son and obtained your address, I instantly was reminded of the request that you made to me several years back”, said John.
Grace leaned forward and asked John, “I am interested to know what request I made with you?”
With a sigh, John continued, “You wanted me to take you out on a date on the Valentine’s Day. Do you remember?
”“Yes I do. I do. It was that period when David was alive and I was too scared to be involved with you considering David’s temperament. Well, I still had a nice time secretly talking and writing to you.” said Grace with a smile on her face. She laughed after that and said, “Silly dreams and fantasies. I was unshakably attracted over you then”, said Grace.
“Then? So you mean you are no longer attracted towards me”, asked John.
Both had a hearty laugh at this. After a long time they both had a great talk with no fear or worry. The love that did not bloom because of each other’s familial commitment seems to be re born again at this stage.
“Grace, your unfulfilled wish will be fulfilled tomorrow. We both are going to have a ball at the “Palace” restaurant tomorrow. Remember it is Valentine’s Day tomorrow”, said John.
“John! I have to go to attend my son’s wedding anniversary party tomorrow”, said Grace.
John said, “When David was alive, you were scared of him. Now you are afraid of his son?”
Grace smiled, “I am not afraid of my son John. But it is my commitment. I have to go.”
“Well, that is all from my side. I will meet you tomorrow at 6 pm in the restaurant. I will be waiting for you there. I have to go back to my wife tomorrow before midnight. She has none to look after her. I have come here just for you. Just to fulfill your dream. I do not know if I will be alive until the next Valentine’s Day”, said John.
Grace was silent. She was confused. John got up from his seat. He said, “It is too late and I had my medicine too. I got to leave now else I will doze off here itself.”
“You may stay here John. Where do you think you are going in this cold night?” said Grace.“I am staying in a motel just outside the city. I got to go. In fact I have come with a gentleman who works for the hotel and who is waiting in the car. I cannot let him like that. Let us meet tomorrow Grace”, said John.
John took the photo back from her and soon left.

Grace sat back again. She was not sure if she can afford to miss her son’s anniversary party. She stretched herself in the couch. She closed her eyes and thought about the days she spent with John. It was a secret affair that she had with him which she had not disclosed to anybody. It was just once that the two met outside on the eve of John’s birthday when the picture was taken. She remembered how deeply she loved John. The relationship lasted only for a very brief period and it was automatically terminated when David moved to another place. Several years passed and still those thoughts about John took Grace to a different world. She felt very light and relieved and shed tears of joy. She considered herself to be 50 years younger. She closed her eyes without deciding which place to go to the next day.

Nancy opened the door with the key that she always carried and saw Grace sleeping on the couch. She was concerned. She came closer and softly spoke to Grace, “Madam! Are you okay?”
Grace quickly got up and said, “Nancy? Oh is it morning?”
Nancy said, “Yes.” She repeated, “Are you okay?”
“Yes I am”, said Grace and climbed up to her room. Grace picked up the phone. She held it for a long time deciding whether to call her son or not. Finally she decided to call her son.“Hello”, said Grace’s son.
“Happy Anniversary my son”, wished Grace merrily.
“Thanks Mom! Hope you are getting ready to attend the party. I shall be sending my car in 2 hours’ time. Be ready to come here Mom.”
“Son, I have got to tell you something.”
“What’s that Mom?”“Well, Son. I eh.. hmmm.. will not be able to come to the party today.”
“Why Mom? Are you okay?”
“Yes I am. But I have another party to attend.”
“But didn’t I inform you well ahead of time?”
“Yes my son. But something important came up in between. An old friend of mine who”
“No Mom”, interrupted her son. “You are coming here. I am sending my car right away”.
“Wait son. I got to attend the party here. I am sorry. I will indeed miss your party but I will come there tomorrow and watch the cassette with you all. Is that okay?”
“No. It is not.”
“Then I am sorry my son. Please do not expect me today”, said Grace and replaced the phone.
Grace sighed. She dressed up quickly and had a quick breakfast that Nancy prepared. She requested Nancy to accompany her for shopping. Grace went to buy a new dress for herself. As she went out to the mall after a long time, she saw how beautiful the city looked. It had been years since she crossed that way. She looked at the people around. There were many flower stalls that sold fresh flowers like hot cakes. It was a festive occasion. It was Valentine’s Day. She saw the faces of bright men and women. She saw some couples walking together. She saw some men and women waiting in desperation for their loved ones. She looked around. She smelt a new air of love filled everywhere. Even the little birds seemed to celebrate the day. She was feeling joyous inwardly. She entered into a shop and checked for gowns that would fit her. She was very choosy that day. She wanted something bright and radiant. She finally picked up a dazzling red dress. Nancy wondered what it is all about. She had no clue of what was happening with Grace. She simply accompanied her raising few questions of which only some were answered by Grace. She then went in search of ornaments matching the colour of her dress. She then looked for a pair of glove and slippers. She then stepped into a nearby parlour to trim her hair. She was not bothered about the young ladies gathered there. She proudly got some facial massage done after which she reached home. Nancy was wonder struck and perplexed too.Grace received calls from her daughter in law and grand daughter who requested her to consider attending their party but she candidly refused.

Soon it was time for Grace to get ready and leave for the restaurant. She came out dressed like a queen. Nancy was spell bound. Grace indeed looked pretty. She ingenuously refused Nancy’s assistance that day to the event. She called for a cab and went to the restaurant unaccompanied.

John was seen waiting there at the said time. He saw Grace getting down the car. He ran to her and gently held her gloved hands and led her to the ball room. John was simply amazed at her charm. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. Even at this age she looked pretty to his eyes. He kept gazing at her for a long time. Grace saw love in his eyes and she blushed with a smile. She couldn’t stand the power generated from his eyes that day. As the couple entered the ball room, many seated there stood up from their seats without their knowledge. They were probably astonished to see an old couple there to celebrate the occasion. It could be as a mark of respect to them. Both enjoyed the moment. John comfortably seated Grace on a seat and extended a bouquet to her and proposed to her thus, “Will you be my Valentine?”
Grace accepted the bouquet with a shy and said, “Yes”.
After a serving of wine, both got up together for a dance. They fixed their eyes at each other and danced. They danced and danced. They danced for a long time. The music was so soothing and romantic that the couple overlooked the world outside them. They forgot about each other’s roles and responsibilities in their life. They failed to remember what age they were in at that moment. They simply danced. Danced to their heart’s content. After a prolonged session of dance, they both paused. They then realized that they were the only two seen dancing. The group of people gathered there clapped their hands. Both were enthralled. They sat down again to have their dinner. It was an unforgettable incident in their life.John was simply lost at her elegance even at this age. He was staring at her throughout. When they were about to finish their dinner John asked Grace, “Can I kiss you?”Grace gave a silent approval. John drew Grace closer to him and kissed her. He kissed and kissed. He passionately kissed. He revealed all his love for her with those gentle kisses. He then gave her a small gift which he said should be opened only after she reached home.Grace gathered a few drops of tears in her eyes and said, “John. Thanks for everything. Thanks for fulfilling my dream which I had almost forgotten.”Grace then gave John the gift that she had bought for him. It was a tie pin studded with diamonds. John was happy to receive the thoughtful gift from her.

It was 10 pm. It was time for John to leave. Both got into a cab. John decided to drop her home and then leave to his place. Both traveled together. They held each other’s hands tightly. Grace bent her head on his heavy shoulders. She felt light again. She was happy.John said in a soft voice, “I am glad you came and made my evening pleasant and enjoyable. Today is that day which I can never forget in my life. It would have been a tough decision for you to decide between me and your son. I am glad that you chose me. We had in fact celebrated the evening with no fears in mind and with no guilt in heart. We are not answerable to anybody. We are not dependent on anybody. We are free. We are pure. We are love.”
Grace said, “Yes John. I have never been happier in my life before. Not even on those days when we were together years back. This is a memorable event in my life. Thanks for that John. Thanks a lot.”
Grace dozed for a moment in his caring shoulders. John picked up a small piece of paper and wrote a note to Grace and pinned it along with the gift.Soon it was time for Grace to get down. “Grace, I got to go. My wife is alone. I will come back again to meet you. I have kept a piece of paper with my address in it on the gift that you are carrying. Call me if need be. I need to go now”, said John.Grace’s heart was heavy. She did not want to part from him. She wanted to hold his arms and cry and she did it. John comforted her, “Didn’t we have a great time?”
Grace said “Yes we did”.“Keep thinking about it until we meet next”, said John.
She got down gently, gave a departing kiss to John and got into her house. Nancy was waiting for her. Grace asked Nancy to leave. Grace turned on some music. She sat on her rocking chair and opened the gift that she received. Much to her surprise, there were two framed photographs. One was the photo that the two had taken 40 years back and the other one was a photo taken that day when the two were dancing. It was framed in a beautiful decorated wooden board. The paper that was pinned along with the wrapper read as follows:

When my life was fertile
Your lips were dry
When my living is barren
Your lips are moist.

When my arms extended
Your body escaped from it
When my shoulders are withered
Your body is resting on it.

My love for you then was strong
My love for you now is stronger
Let us meet again in our life
Will you then be my wife?

His address and phone number was furnished below those beautiful verses. Grace wept heavily after reading those verses. Her tears settled down in a while. She removed her glasses. She then looked at the framed photos again and again. She rocked. She then closed her eyes and then rocked again. Within a moment, rocking stopped. She slept to eternity.

Luscious Moments

2008-03-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

Blushing smiles
Laughing cries
Walking miles
Thoughtless flies

Apathetic wealth
Maintaining stealth
Waning health
Holding breath

Quivering fire
Scorching river
Losing vigour
Return my cheer

Lost in thoughts
Dreaming lots
Planning plots
For the wedding knots

All that I aspire
Is you my esquire
Please come closer
And osculate forever.

Chimera

2008-03-09T04:37:00.000-07:00

The moment our thoughts were connected
My mind and spirit were suddenly affected

Listen to the language of my heart beat
And tell me what does it say and repeat

Rewound the instant when you uttered my name
Wondered if it sounds as beautiful as u say!

Is love as dumb and blind as people aver
Will the sensation remain in me forever?

Dance did we in sheer trance‘
Coz in reality we barely get a chance

Relieve me from this arcane situation
‘Coz I see just you even in meditation

Do you go through the same situation as I?
Or is this only a silly illusion of mine?

Silence, Silence and Me

2008-03-09T04:35:00.000-07:00

Doomed are some in this world
To let their tears flood their way
Let my eyes bathe in tears and blood
To plead for all that happened in dismay

Struggle did I to bring out my feeling
Suppressed were they in every meeting
Understood your gentle expressions
Helplessly stood with immense patience

Utilized your help when wounded
Returned it not when you wanted
Trouble did I with all my silence
Responding to you only with my presence

You poured to me all the sympathy on earth‘
Coz I am dumb since my birth
But attempt to live my life once in prudence
And enjoy the day with me in silence

With your eyes and attention fixed at me
Talk to me at length in the language of silence
Try to understand the expression of love
And gently feel the vibration of calmness

Accomplished, tongues can be tied for the rest of our life
Did you know that words convey nonsense?
When tranquility can do wonders?
Haven't you understood the life of a dumb woman yet?

The Last Hug

2008-03-09T04:32:00.000-07:00

I blushed as I lied on bed that night. I couldn’t sleep a wink. Beds were like thorns and pillows seemed to be rocks. I was simply lost in his thoughts. “What a nice feeling is it to be loved? And how wonderful it is to be warmly hugged and passionately kissed?” It was for the first time somebody had hugged and kissed me so benevolently. I kept thinking all night through. I had never felt wanted by anyone so far in my life. I never meant anything to anybody. But he made me feel special.

Whom will I share this sensation with? Parents? No way! They cannot attempt to understand the emotion of an unmarried dreamy girl like me. Sisters? Well, I was unlucky not to have one! Brothers? Phew! God knows when he returns home every day! Friends? Yes and no. How can I share my inner feelings that I secretly carry for him? I have secured the feelings for him surreptitiously in a corner of my heart which can be disclosed only to him. Not even to the little bird in the cage.

Many people had touched the edges of my heart – Coming and going, scarcely leaving an impression. But he was different – someone who brought about a change in my life. He had left behind a scar in the bottom of my heart. “Oh God! When will I meet him again?” my heart murmured from within. Several thoughts flashed into my mind at that moment - I felt like walking straight to his house and knock at the door and wait to see his reaction. I also felt like holding his hands tight and keep strolling until my legs plead for rest. I felt like jumping and singing in joy. I felt like kissing the clouds in the sky. I longed to lie on his lap and enjoy an eternal sleep feeling the warmth of his body.Wasn’t I crazy? Indeed I was. Pensive! The whole night! Yet I was very bright the next morning. They say that a young woman gains a luminous radiance in her face particularly when she is in love. Yes. I was no different. My eyes were brilliantly shining and my face indeed had a glow. It was all because of the scheduled appointment with him that day at 11 in the morning. I took a cab to reach the restaurant. All through the sojourn I got flickers of his thoughts like the ones seen in movies. I smiled a little, shied a bit. Thank God that the cab driver did not drive me towards the direction of the mental hospital! As the destination approached, my stomach was going through a tough time. I failed to feed my stomach but my heart supplemented it with some thoughts that the stomach failed to receive. Hence an inner war was being waged between the play of my heart and the functions of my stomach. Oh how funny!

I was all in smiles when I reached the restaurant. I saw him waiting for me. Oh how my face bloomed with cheer as I saw my love! But was the cheer absent in his face? Yes, it was missing. I soon went near him and relieved the stress my mind carried for a long time. My mind was prepared to receive the next lot of worries, tensions and pressures. Every time I met him, my mind consistently received sufficient inputs. My mind got used to this routine.

That meet was a memorable one. For that matter, which meeting between lovers would be an insignificant one? That day he brought me dreadful news. He told me that he had to make an emergency visit to his house to see his Mother who is in critical condition. I was shattered. It was partly because of sharing the sadness of my man and partly because I would be missing him. Did I have an option? I wanted to cuddle him and cry in his caring shoulders. Will he lend them for a moment? Was it the right time to fulfill my silly sentiments? I looked at his eyes with all love. He apparently understood them and came near me and gave me a gentle hug that filled my heart and pleased my soul. I realized that sometimes actions are powerful than mere words. It was an instantaneous understanding of my feelings that resulted in the form of a zealous embrace. He insisted on leaving early. He ordered but did not want to wait for the apple pie and coffee. All I asked him was, “when will you be back?” to which his reply was, “asap”.

I had the tasteless apple pie and bitter coffee. And I had them alone. All alone! Was it to feed my craving stomach? No. It was just to please my sweet heart who had ordered my favourite stuff and had paid for them.

Then came the period of wait. I did wait. I waited for days initially and then for fortnights and then for weeks and then again for months. When each day seemed to be a decade to me, I waited for him for 2 years! No information about that gentleman. No come back! The only tool to reach him was his phone number which seemed inaccessible since the day he left me. The company with which he worked here seemed to have received no information too! Life has changed a bit for me. I am now working in a company which has put forth lots of challenges in front of me. I am confronting them with all boldness. I am recovering from the episode that had terribly affected me.

I do not know whether my man was good or bad. I do not know whether he is alive or dead. I do not want to know whether he truly loved me or not. Our relationship remained clandestine and it continues to be. Believing him to be a nice man who could not come back to me due to inevitable circumstances, all that I have to say is that I enjoyed the moments I spent with him especially the last hug since I got it immediately when I needed it. And lastly, what I observed was that lost love lasts longer. Those sweet memories help you lead a contented life 'coz it exists no longer in this filthy world but in a golden castle of treasured dreams.

Bare Walk

2008-03-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

Prosperity & adversity; success & failure; embarrassment & surprise; pleasure & grief; take their turns alternatively in everybody’s life. What may seem to be happy to one person may be sorrowful to the other and vice versa. The same way, the happiest moment or the saddest moment is also sure to vary from person to person. But I am sure that all will agree with me if I say that the most embarrassing moment in everybody’s life would be just one thing – your slippers getting worn out in the middle of the road as you are walking. Am I right?

Unfortunately, I have been a victim to this mode of embarrassment several times. I was a small child when this first happened. My Mother lifted my heavy body and walked in search of a cobbler carrying her heavy handbag on one shoulder, me on the other shoulder and my worn out slippers on the other hand. I was privileged to travel on my Mother’s shoulders. Poor lady – she had to carry me for a long distance until she located a cobbler who could mend my slippers.

The second time this happened was when I was at school. I lost grip of my shoes as I was playing with my friends. Since it was not a major repair, I somehow managed until I got back home.The third time this occurred was when I was a young girl of 17 or 18. I was preparing to go to a computer centre to check about the courses they offer. I was given a time of visit too. I was running short of time. Hence my Mother gave me some money and asked me to take an auto rickshaw instead since waiting for a bus would be a time consuming affair. I took the money from my Mother and moved out of the house. As I walked towards the auto stand, I noticed a bus with barely few people inside waiting for people to get in. I learnt that the bus goes to the intended destination of mine. Hence I thought, I will save the money given by my Mom by taking that bus. Though I was running short of time, I hoped the bus to reach sooner since it did not have many people in it. As I had thought, the bus dropped me at the desired destination at the right time. I got down from the bus and was about to cross the road to reach the computer centre when I noticed that my slippers collapsed. I was too shy to face that situation. I turned left and right and looked at the busy people. Everybody were busy in their own world but I had the feeling that all are looking at me and my worn out slippers. I was too embarrassed to walk any further. I felt it too outrageous to enter into a computer centre without shoes. The thought of buying a pair of cheap slippers also did not strike my mind at that moment. I removed both my slippers, held them on one hand and walked towards an auto stand to take an auto back home. I could have instead asked him to go to the nearest cobbler to get them done but mind stopped working when it happened. The money I thought I could save was also spent this way.I decided that henceforth I will carry some extra money either to buy new slippers to avoid the embarrassment or muster the courage to enquire and go towards a cobbler to settle the issue. After all this is something that hits everybody at one stage or the other. What is the need to feel bad about?

Such thoughts do come only when your slippers are in strong and sturdy condition. My mind got discontinued from such thoughts when for the fourth time, this happened.I was in the 2nd or 3rd year of my college. We usually walk a few metres to reach the bus stand to take up the bus back home. I was walking along with one of my friends when my slippers proved it the right time to show its importance. I was thoroughly embarrassed this time since my college friends, juniors and seniors who cross by, will make fun. My friend had a safety pin which she lent to get them temporarily fixed. I tried pinning it with all the might that I had but was unsuccessful. So many friends stopped in between to check what went wrong. I was too shy to tell them what happened. Most of them realized the situation and walked without uttering a word. Some of them stopped to tell their stories when their slippers created similar problems. I was thoroughly exasperated.After all my efforts, I saw that the pin I was struggling to make use of got well bent that it could serve no purpose any more. I threw it out. My friend had a plastic bag to lend too. She asked me to remove my slippers and carry it in the bag so that none could notice. I thought it to be the best idea. As we were walking, my friend kept on talking something but I completely lost my concentration. I could no longer follow what she was talking. On the contrary, I was looking at everybody’s legs. I felt so conscious. I started to feel that all are looking at me. The short distance to the bus stop seemed never ending to me that day. Luckily, there was a cobbler near the bus stand who repaired them for me.All kinds of philosophies revived again in my mind and I decided that there is nothing to shy about at such circumstances. Is this an offence to be ashamed of? I often wonder why my brain stops functioning at such times.

After a long time, this incident touched my feet again. My husband and I went out and preferred to walk back home. My husband said that he will drop me home and walk the same distance again to bring back the parked car. I agreed too. We both walked 20% of the distance when my slippers smiled at me again. But surprisingly, I was reminded of all the philosophies I thought of after every such episode. I simply removed them, threw them in a dustbin and comfortably walked bare foot. I knew that there was no cobbler in the vicinity. I knew that my slippers were not worth retaining. I walked majestically this time. None of the pedestrians took note of my bare foot. I did not care to look at anybody’s foot. I simply walked my stride. Of course, I had to mind my steps since I was bare foot. I realized how nice it is to have a close contact with the road and sand. I understood how quickly you can walk if you do not have to control your slippers. It was simply a BARE walk!

Nostalgic Diwali

2008-03-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

The festival of lights has been wrongly celebrated as the festival of sound in India. The eve of Diwali is absolutely mind blowing. Streets are filled with kids bursting crackers making it difficult for people to walk or drive. Auto rickshaw guys drive through the burning crackers without a fuss whereas two wheelers will have to wait until the crackers burst completely. A big grand sale would be announced in most of the textile shops. Even the poorest of the poor buy a new dress for this day. Schools declare holidays for a day or two. If it is accompanied by a week end, schools get a couple of days more. Bonus will be announced in all the companies which mean more money to celebrate the ostentatious festival.Diwali was one of the festivals celebrated with grand opulence in our house. I still remember as a young girl how I used to anxiously wait for this festival to literally burn out my parents’ money. The main interest was only in bursting crackers. Contrary to the other working days, I get up unusually at 3 or 3.30 in the morning and still remain fresh throughout the day. My Mother will invite me and my sister to sit on a wooden plank (called as a palaga in our language) in which she would have drawn rangoli (kolam). My Mother will apply haldi, kumkum on our hands legs and face. She will then apply oil on the head. The oil is freshly extracted sesame seeds oil which is heated along with pepper, cumin seeds, and dry ginger. The aroma of that oil still lingers in my memory. It is meant for cooling the entire body and the bath after that is thoroughly refreshing.

Betel leaves and nuts are also served on that day in empty stomach for girl children. In the normal course, betel leaves are prohibited from eating since it makes the tongue thicker by which talking properly might turn out to be difficult. I had always fancied betel leaves and nuts since it turns my tongue into red colour. On the day of Diwali eating betel leaves is a compulsory issue and hence I love eating it. My sister on the other hand, hates the very taste of it and I would be very happy to have her share too secretly without Mom’s knowledge.

After Ganga snanam and sambrani (an incense stick which has a property of drying and perfuming the hair) for the hair, we will be asked to wear our new dress. We offer our respect to the elders and wear our new dress. My Mother gives me some gold jewellery too to wear on that day since most of the time for Diwali, the dress used to be Pattu Pavadai (a traditional silk-woven long skirt and blouse in vibrant colours). I do not spend much time in front of the mirror as I always do when I wear a new dress. The only hurry is to start bursting crackers. My sister is seen dressing up patiently and asking each one in the family as to how her dress looks like. But my tensions were totally different. After the bath, the first thing to be served used to be Diwali lehiyam. It is a home made medicine to help digestion. Lots of sweets and savouries will be prepared that day, the excessive consumption of which might cause a stomach upset. Keeping in mind the proverb, “Prevention is better than cure”, this medicine is given usually in advance. The medicine consists of ginger, jaggery, cumin seeds, ghee and stuff which taste yummy.

A traditional sweet called Okkarai is also prepared that day (it is made out of dal and jaggery with ghee). It tastes great too. Before finishing these formalities, I am not allowed to start bursting crackers. I wait for the procedure to get over so that I can rush to burst crackers with my friends. We wish our neighbours a Happy Diwali and begin our competition. The aim is to accumulate huge amount of dust in front of the house. Whoever accumulates the most would be the winner. We start with Mathappu (sparklers) since it would be nice to see the bright light coming out of it before sun rise. It is followed by Ground chakra, flower pot, snake and the like. Mom and Grandma give me enough warning to take care of my dress while playing with fire. It just goes to deaf ears. It is luck that I was not injured in anyway with this game of fire but if I think of the careless attitude I had at those times, I get really scared now. My Mom often says, “Ilam Kanru bayam ariyadhu” which means the young cow (calf) does not know what fear is like. My parents come to the verandah to see the sparkling flower pots and ground chakra that I play with. My sister’s job is to show her Diwali dress to my neighbours and disappear. She is very scared of the noise that the crackers burst. So I end up to be the only one to play with them to my heart’s content.

I have noticed that during most of the Diwali days, it rains. If not a heavy rain atleast drizzling is assured. All my friends get assembled in front of the respective houses and we start our project. We usually start bursting crackers even prior to Diwali but I usually reserve the big wala garland for this day to accumulate maximum number of paper in front of the house. Hydrogen bombs, atom bomb, lakshmi bomb, taj mahal wala garland were the few that I was interested in bursting. For nearly 2-3 hours, I get involved in doing this stuff. Constant calls from home to have breakfast could be heard. We give a temporary break and go to have breakfast. Breakfast would be a big feast that day. We get to see lots of sweets and savouries – Mysurpa, Laddu, Burfi, Murukku, Thattai, Ribbon Bakoda, Mixture and the like. If you just taste them, your stomach would be full but apart from all these, Mom will offer idli (a traditional south Indian breakfast which is made with a batter of ground and fermented rice and urad dal) chutney and the like. I have very little of it and run again outside to finish the rest of my task. Mom will insist that I change my dress and remove my jewellery. Usually another new dress will also be bought for Diwali other than Pattu Pavadai. I comfortably wear the other dress and run outside. All my friends get gathered and start again. I will get disrupted in between when my parents call me every now and then to wish all my uncle, aunts and cousins through phone. I run, have a quick word and come back again. The whole day used to be great fun.

We have our lunch in between and then when the elders lay down to rest I start again. My friend who stays a little away comes to meet me and wish me a Happy Diwali. She used to join me in bursting some crackers. We both used to light up an incense stick and keep it inside our mouth for a while and then remove it and enjoy seeing the smoke emitted from our mouth. We dared not to touch a cigarette but were fancied on seeing the smoked produced from our mouth.

In the evening again, we used to start with mathappu, ground chakra and flower pot and enjoy at those fire works in the dark sky. All our friends used to get worried that the day is about to end. We still make up our mind that we reserve some of the crackers for the festival of karthigai that comes the following month. But still the happiness seen during Diwali is not present in any other festivals.

The next day we analyse and announce the result of the winner based on the dust accumulated by way of bursting crackers in their respective houses.It was great fun to be with friends and burst crackers those days. What an innocent life that was! Will it ever come back? Will my daughters ever be able to celebrate Diwali like this? My daughters are 5 years old and they have never seen even a single Diwali celebrated in India. Sometimes I feel that I am depriving them of the independence that I had obtained years back. I had great fun with my friends. Every day we used to get gathered and play. My daughters are confined to the four walls within the house, spending time among them and playing with the toys by giving them imaginary names.

Diwali to me today means nothing great. My parents celebrate it alone. My sister celebrate it with her family in the US and I celebrate it with my family here in Bahrain. What a Diwali it was years back with lots of laughter and loads of fun! Will it ever come back? Will I still be able to have the same kind of feeling even if I celebrate it in India? I doubt though.

The Inspiring Boss

2008-03-05T09:51:00.000-08:00

It is an indefinable passion.

Where do I begin?

What have I got to tell about him this time?

He made me remain in wonderment and gaze.

I am really stunned at his humble gesture of care.

No more words to describe him.Truly captivating!

I wish I had the opportunity to work under him.

A flash of thought about him are as under;

Aggressive at work

Hates those who irk

Astounding leader

Insightful reader

Principled head

Always ahead

Fights for rights

Extraordinarily bright

Magnetic eyes

Truly wise

Kind and gentle

In every angle

An ideal counsel

Thoroughly practical

He is justly caring

I remain adoring!!

God bless him!

Light and Shadow

2008-03-05T09:50:00.000-08:00

Sauntered into my life as dazzling as a light
Relentlessly proved that his heart was white
Succumb did I to his prudent ordinance
He opened a vista of jocund resurgence
Sustained the secret and enjoyed the moments-
Laughter and joy with petite presents
His curtains rose to prove him fictitious
Astonished was I to learn he was heartless
How could his mind be so narrow?
He caused me the most horrifying sorrow
Personified to be the truest of all friends
Didn’t he realize how much it offends?
Strangers mocked and termed me immoral
Is this the consequence for being loyal?
Pierced my heart with the sharpest arrow
Proved to me that he is not a light but a shadow.

The 'Gora' Boss

2008-03-05T09:45:00.000-08:00

Indians, in the normal course are prejudiced against British men. India was once a British colony. They had encroached on our land and had ruled over us. My intention is certainly not to probe into the past history. Though we have absorbed many legislations and political dogma from them yet we hesitate to accept that the British regime was far better than the so called freedom and democracy that we enjoy today.

I personally have a high regard for Brits because of their decent and respectable culture and courteous language. I love English language. I have admired several English writers from Shakespeare to the contemporary Jonathan Bate. I had (I still have) a flair for writing too and ever loved to play with words. I had the opportunity to meet several English men vide my husband who has plenty of contacts with them. My husband treats English men with high esteem too. I too respected them but never developed an inclination to raise a word to them considering the fact that could also be equally opinionated when it comes to Indians.My encounter with the first ever English man in my life has been briefed as below.My husband’s boss fortunately happens to be a Brit. My husband ran short of words to describe about his boss’ prolific abilities and dynamic nature. Whenever his boss came to town, significant changes could be noticed with my husband.
He gets busier
He disconnects every call of mine
He does not come home for lunch
He comes home
After reaching home, all that he had to say before apologizing was about his Big Boss!I was getting furious over the entire episode and used to wait when the boss would go back to his town. On the other hand my husband misses him the moment he leaves the town.

Gradually as I noticed the confidence level grow higher in my husband, I wished to probe into the motivating factor behind his confidence that fetched him success. He could hold only person responsible for that – his boss, “Mr. Ian Brown”. I developed curiosity in learning more about this person. I wondered what could be so impressive about this man! My husband richly complimented every single action of his boss. I marveled for a moment on the relationship the two shared. Though one was a boss and one a subordinate, still the relationship they shared was unique. I understood that both respect and compliment each other. How good it would be to have such a boss! I aspire to have one too! I was getting influenced little by little.

My husband emerged to be one of the most successful persons in the region the following month. My husband dedicated this encouraging result to his boss telling that his boss met his demands and that is the reason he could carry out his duties efficiently. I too started accepting this person as a proficient person capable of bringing about magic in the air.The next time he visited our town, I showed interest in meeting this person. I was not sure whether he would be willing to come and meet his subordinate’s wife who is an Indian. But he gladly accepted the lunch invitation extended by my husband. I was perplexed. I did not know what a white man eats. We being vegetarians, will not be able to justify a lunch for an English man without meat for which he told my husband that he will eat anything that we offer. I was flabbergasted at such a modest gesture from his end. Unfortunately, I could not be present to receive Ian for lunch. My parents were hospitable enough in receiving him and serving him the delicacies they prepared with diligence. He seemed to enjoy the food too. I was very upset since I would be missing the opportunity to meet him. My joy knew no bounds when he expressed his willingness to stay until I return. I was again shocked at his humble shrug.

As I reached home, I saw him with a gentle smile. If I were to describe his features, I can brief it in just 3 words – tall, smart and handsome. I sat with him and we both exchanged formal conversations. He seemed to be too simple and down to earth person. As I talked with him, I began to feel that I was pretty comfortable talking to him. A highly knowledgeable person like him stooped down to cover topics of common interest. From Social history of England to Indian freedom struggle, we covered all points and had fun in the conversation.

Later that evening, he invited us for dinner outside for which my husband and I readily agreed.My husband and I reached just on time (British people adore punctuality) at the rendezvous. The ambiance of the hotel was fantastic. The food was delicious and fulfilling and above all the company I had that day was pleasant and enjoyable. Ian can talk about anything under the sun. His talents are abundant, his skills are pioneering, his techniques are unique and his judgments are convincing. He has extraordinary convincing capabilities. As a saying goes, where a man describes vividly about hell that every body looks forward for the trip. Ian is in no way different. He never lets you deviate from a subject until he decides to. I don’t mean to say that he dominates the show. I mean to say that we take the least notice that he is trying to keep us on track. He tried convincing me on a subject that I fully began to agree with him. I concluded that all his words were convincing impossibilities but he made me believe that they are implausible possibilities.

He seemed to be a straight forward person. No complexities were involved in understanding him. He had pleasing manners. He respected Indian culture. He had absolutely no attitude problems. All that I understood was the he hates to be addressed as a ‘gora’ and he also despised being referred to as ‘boss’.His policies were strange but simple. He believes in the theory “Enjoy life to the fullest TODAY”. He disagrees with the concept that the Indians hold – Save for your future by remaining miserly today. His words “Indians are the richest men in the graveyard” made me laugh.

In short, the 2 ½ hours we spent that night in the restaurant was a memorable one and I believe that it will be cherished for ever. We forgot for some time the animosity the two countries had against each other. We failed to remember that we belong to different culture and tradition. I am forced to believe that there are lots more in this world to achieve for which caste, race, creed, religion and nationality will seldom act as a barrier.This time, I too (along with my husband) felt saddened to digest his departure from our town. We bade him farewell this time by saying the following words-“Looking forward to meet you again”. We are as desperate as the proverbial ostrich (or whatever bird) waiting for the rains.

How can I thank you Mom?

2008-03-05T07:50:00.000-08:00

As a tiny worm in your womb
I writhed and wriggled in dumb
I knew you cannot feel my hunger
Yet you fed me and saved me from danger

I was to you more of a nuisance
Because of me you had morning sickness
You ate heartily for you and me
But had to force it out all due to me

Least bothered on how I would look
You read me stories from your favourite book
For a moment I wondered with my eyes blind
On how a woman could love her unborn child!

How many sacrifices! How many stipulations?
All for me - nature’s tiny creation!
Am I worthy of your attention? I often wondered
‘Indeed I am lucky’ I concluded

All the pains that you did bear
Show me that you sure did care
For did I not see your face in mirth
On the day of my birth?

I did know you took a peep
And enjoyed me in my blissful sleep
Your patience did I test?
‘Cos I cried all the time when you did rest

Night and day I stayed awake
And you rocked me without a break
When I shivered with a cold
You swaddled me and stayed very bold

You introduced to me all my playmates
But you continued to be my only mate
I thought I was your only responsibility
But you played your role with great dexterity

I grew up to be very finicky
You helped me when I was panicky
I refused to go to school everyday
You pacified me and showed my way

You cared not to know if I am bright or dull
But felt disturbed to see my lunch box full
My likes and dislikes only you did know
Unconditional love you continued to show.

Mirage

2008-03-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

Shirley's austerity almost dissolved and melted down ever since she met Alex. Though her subordinate, she could not stop being fascinated by his beguiling appearance. His sanguine approach to life, his calmness under chaotic conditions at work, his respect towards her despite her vicious temper and spiteful words at times made her fall capitulated at his feet. Though Shirley was known for her skeptical attitude towards everything, her attraction towards Alex was thoroughly unshaken.

Shirley happened to be a victim of a tragic family life like most of the career-oriented women face. Her chauvinistic husband betrayed her because of Shirley's excessive inclination towards her career. The shackles of the wed lock were released within 1 1/2 years and ever since then Shirley has been living alone dedicating her time towards her profession. Reprimand, rebuke, scoff, mockery passed her ears quite often by which she only gathered courage. She realized her prolific abilities, rolled over several obstacles, jumped several hurdles, and finally reached to the position of CEO of Manning Bank.At the age of 42, why has this handsome young man knocked at her heart? She often wondered what is drawing her closer to him. The love that she believed had been buried long back seemed to manifest in the form of this young man.

Is this called as mere temporary attraction which will fade with the passage of time?

Is this called Motherly love which Shirley had hardly experienced?

Or is this a boss's view towards an efficient subordinate? OR

Is this an obsession?

Is this called infatuation?

Is this love?

Whatever it may be, the passion that she developed for this guy who is nearly 10 years younger to her seemed to be growing day by day. On the other hand, Shirley developed the quest to learn about Alex's feelings towards her. Being young, robust and handsome, he could easily win the hearts of many girls. The curiosity to learn more about Alex's personal life was vehemently building in Shirley's mind.With great bewilderment, she unveiled an invitation to Alex on the eve of New Year in Ritz Carlton Hotel. This offer let the others in the office baffled but Alex accepted the invitation with a plausible smile.

Contrary to the haphazard selection of dress, Shirley turned out to be quite fastidious in picking up the right attire for the first ever date with Alex. Shirley was opposed to ostentation at parties and hence she stuck on to the minimal wear of jewels.She reached the rendezvous much ahead of time and was found waiting with her fingers crossed. It was quite obvious that she was almost unprepared for this supposedly exhilarating episode that was about to take place but she was no longer prepared to bulwark this feeling towards Alex in the deepest layer of her heart that prompted her to invite Alex for a personal meet.In a short while, Alex took his boisterous footsteps and made his elegant appearance in front of her and gladly accepted the seat besides her. On glancing him from head to toe, she remarked with an uncanny smile, "Alex, have you come to attend a meeting between the Vice President of Sales and the CEO?"Alex smiled back and asked her, "Can you relieve me of this enigma?"Shirley said, "Well…." and paused.Just then the drinks arrived and both held their glasses in their hands.Shirley continued, "Alex, I would like to have some knowledge about your personal life."Without much forethought he said, "I am single, unmarried and had not been able to have a relationship with any woman so far because of my professional life, if that is what you wanted to know Ma'am."This answer of Alex was indeed shocking to Shirley. It seemed as though he anticipated this question from her. Moments of silence passed. Alex fixed his eyes on her not letting it get diverted elsewhere.Alex broke the silence. He asked her, "Madam, are you in love with me?"This was absolutely an unexpected question from Alex but indeed the truth."What made you ask this question Alex?" she whispered."I saw truth in your eyes. Not only that, out of my serendipity, I also made out that you are not as bad tempered as you seem to others. Inwardly, you are tranquil. You experience bliss. Am I right?" Alex exclaimed."I have heard people remarking my nature to be obscure. How could you….? Shirley's eyes watered as she became speechless."You eyes were credulous ma'am", Alex remarked and went closer to her and said, "Shall we make a move?"Shirley asked, "Where to?"Alex held her hands with care and said, "Let us rest for a while and talk privately. Not here. Not at all here" said Alex and led her to the car park.

After some time, Shirley opened the door of her house and welcomed Alex to her huge house. Alex rolled over his big eyes and glanced at her house. They both casually relaxed at the couch. Alex listened patiently to all that Shirley had to say about her and the tragedies she encountered in her life. Alex comforted her and led her to her room, wished her a Happy New Year and promised that he will make this New Year the most memorable one that Shirley will ever cherish.

Shirley and Alex met quite often in the next few months and they both enjoyed each other's company. Shirley assumed herself to be 20 years younger whenever she was besides Alex. Shirley having a precarious notion over her current state, requested Alex to legalize their relationship which has been clamorously been spoken about in the air. Alex wouldn't yield to that until they both could spend time to know each other. That paved the necessity for Shirley to organize a short tour. After months of planning, both agreed to go to Cyprus for a week.Shirley was clouded with euphoria as she packed her stuff to go to Cyprus. The excitement was mainly because in a few days' time, she can proudly announce her engagement with Alex for which she has been waiting for a long time. As she was about to leave, she received a phone call in her mobile whose identity was not clear. On answering, she heard a voice warning her not to have any dealings with Alex. Shirley was the last person to react to such obscure messages and hence decided to give the least attention to it. Shirley was thoroughly obstinate over her decision to go ahead with Alex.Shirley and Alex met at the airport. Shirley noticed something strange with Alex that day. Shirley was growing paranoid over his behavior. She tried to co-relate the phone call and Alex's paradoxical actions. All throughout their journey, Alex had only a formal talk with Shirley. He demanded an exclusive time and place for better understanding but he seemed to remain detached. Though Shirley was thoroughly exasperated over his attitude, she preferred to spend the rest of the time in anguish since Alex did not break open.At the hotel, Alex complained of severe head ache and chose to lie down. Shirley sat besides him and touched Alex's forehead with love and massaged her sleeping man. Tears rolled down her fair cheek after several years. Alex seemed to give fruit to the barren garden of her heart, meaning to her meaningless life that she had led so far. She was thankful to the bounty of love that Alex had showered in the past few months. She feared that she might lose it considering Alex's temperament that day.

Shirley soon recovered from the set back and went for a shower.As she came out from her shower, she noticed that Alex was awake. She came closer to Alex, held his hands with love and asked him, "How are you now sweet heart?""I am fine Ma'am", said Alex"Alex", Shirley exclaimed, "When will you stop calling me Madam?"Alex paused and spoke in a lower tone, "That has only been troubling me Shirley. I have a request.""Come on…Tell me Alex. Speak up", said Shirley."Can you….Can you give up your job after our wedding?" Alex asked with great hesitation.Shirley smiled and went much closer to Alex and said," You have the right to demand me to quit my job Alex. I was planning to give it up myself because I lost my first man because of my interest in my job and I am prepared to give up anything to save this relationship.""Anything for me?" remarked Alex"Anything for you" said Shirley.Alex drew her much closer to him and both lay on the bed sharing passion, love and care.

Their trip to Cyprus soon came to an end and Shirley was happy that she would soon get herself involved in familial commitments which she was craving to handle for the past few months. Alex announced their wedding to be held in about 2 weeks' time. Shirley announced her resignation in the mean time. Both Shirley and Alex had to catch up with their respective work which proved to be very demanding. Alex was busy traveling. By the time Shirley reached home, it was too late that she could hardly talk to Alex. Shirley may fail to talk to Alex but the obnoxious caller taunted Shirley. Everyday the caller warned her of Alex and it caused her indignation towards the unknown caller.Alex was supposed to return from his business trip just 2 days before their supposed wedding. Shirley planned to set Alex's house before he arrived and hence requested the security to open the house for her. Shirley, with the help of cleaners cleaned up his house and made some renovation as per Shirley's taste. Shirley developed the anxiety to unlock the room near Alex's bedroom which was never shown to her by Alex. Shirley opened it up and to her surprise she saw photos of many nude women around. Shirley smiled at Alex's mischievousness and cleaned up that room as well. She also noticed a diary and a pistol in a draw. She kept the pistol back after glancing at them but secured the diary back to her home where she thought she will read it at peace. She took the diary home to read it in the night. Shirley could not observe any coherent sentence in the diary. It was puzzling. He had mentioned some numbers, some abbreviations which were quite confusing to her. But the date of their wedding was marked. The one sentence which was understandable was only this, "from now on, I am rich. All is mine." This was marked one week after their supposed wedding. As always, the unknown caller called her again and warned her that she will be killed soon after their wedding. Unlike other days Shirley did not hang him down. She asked, "Who are you?"The caller said, "Ma'am I am the husband of the lady deceived by Alex."This shocked Shirley."My wife is still with Alex. She is now in Europe. His intention is not to marry you and make you happy. He wants money and nothing else. He has killed 2 people just for money. Will you believe this? My intention is to kill Alex since he snatched my wife from me. Can you co-operate with me in finishing his episode?"Shirley banged the phone down and cried heavily. She was uncertain whether to trust this unknown man's words. She assimilated several incidents between Alex and her and came to a conclusion that this man may be correct. She went to Alex's house, picked up that pistol and shot herself to death leaving behind this note:"Alex, you were too good to me. You acted as a bolster in shouldering my grievances. You had been very decent with me and never even forced me into bed with you. You were so caring. I wish I could stay with you for the whole of my life. I have the satisfaction of spending my life at least for one week with the man I really love.Sorry for this decision of mine. The man whom I have not seen in my life has made me take this decision of ruining my own life. He told me words about you which I do not want to believe, yet fear is the truth. I do not want to take chance and wait to see if his words are true. If it is untrue my soul would rest in peace and even if it is true, I am still happy because I would be leaving behind things that you would love to possess. Beware of that man who claims that you have snatched his wife. He wants to see you dead.Do not worry about my death. Announce to the world that I was mentally weak. People may believe that 'coz I have been venomous with many who had branded me crazy. I have submitted another letter to the police which would save you from being responsible for my death. You may take all my wealth Alex. I have transferred them to your name. Anything for you Alex, anything…"